Distress & Coma
by Rain of Glass Shards
Summary: Matt is a problem child. This as we know is true. But he can't hide everything under that calm attitude, especially from Mello, who plans on keeping him alive. Attempted Suicide, Drugs, Self Mutilation, Yaoi ? , disturbing content. Will later be rated M.
1. Chapter 1

**Author- Got the idea today, ended it today. Tell me about typos, because I finished this in an hour, lol.**

**PLEASE READ. If you love angst, or fan fictions about our pretty boys attempting suicide, doing drugs, and loving each other, then here it is! XD.**

**As always, the first chapter is an insight to the situation.**

**But I think you'll like how it all wraps out here.**

**PLEASE, again, READ!**

* * *

"Matt…."

I didn't look up, I could care less. All I had to do was sit here for an hour, right? Answer questions from this person as if I was being interviewed.

At the moment I cared about the nauseating smell of my clothing, the cigarette smoke of the new brand I smoked before I got here.

Smoking on an empty stomach, not a wise habit.

"**Matt**…" They called again, urging me to pay attention or answer. But in a soft tone, therapists never snap.

God, I hate Mello so much right now.

I looked up to them, wondering where I left my goggles. Quickly I looked away, and towards the window outside, watching as the clouds dimmed to a dark gray as the sky turned crimson with paints of orange.

I cocked my head towards the window, my therapist turned to it too, wondering what I was trying to point out.

She just turned to me, her lips pressed as she adjusted herself in the seat she didn't seem comfortable in.

"Matt, I know it's late. But I need you to be honest. I was ordered by many hospital doctors, centers, the court, and even your friend to help you."

I huffed out a small laugh. "So you're doing this," I looked to her, my eyes towards her dark chocolate ones. A small smirk played on my lips. "Because you were _**ordered**_ to?" My brows rose.

Her face sank, but instead of looking like a deer before head lights, facing it's obvious doom, she frowned, brows furrowed. She seemed angry.

"No, Matt, I am **not** doing this because I was ordered to, or because it's my job. The reason why I'm a therapist, is because I am deeply concerned about people and their emotions. Therapists, psychologists don't do their duty just because they had no other career choice. Matt, I'm doing this for _**you.**_"

I couldn't look away from this young women. She seemed as old as me, but from what she and Mello told me, she was around her late 20's. My eyes flickered with what I think was guilt. But I covered up the truth with my own belief, that she wasn't concerned, that she was just doing her job to win the money.

"Fine," I sighed loudly, slumping in my seat, nearly laying on the seat, my arms crossed over my chest as I looked to the roof. "What do you want to know _this _time?"

She seemed off guard, blinking a few times to look to her clip board. "Well, we _are_ behind today. Hm, let's see here," She read through her scribbling, containing what we had talked over through out my sessions. "Well, last week you mentioned thoughts on suicide?" She looked up at me, glanced over my expression, then looked back to her notes. "We prescribed some medications, anti-depressants. How are those working for you?" She looked up, slowly setting the clip board onto her lap.

I squirmed against the leather seat, pushing against the arm rests to sit up. "They're working just fine, thanks." I sighed again, resting an elbow against the arm rest, balling my hand, and propping my chin against it, my other hand scratching against my scalp.

"But you don't seem it. You actually look, well, dare I say, _**worse**_, then last time." She sighed. "Are you lying to me, Matt?"

I glared towards her. "Look, I haven't been sleeping well, k? Those medications help, sure, but they keep me up as if I drank down a 12oz cup of sugar, so lay off."

She only nodded, looking slightly suspicious. I growled under my breathe. I think she knew certain things at this point, so being harsh wasn't a problem.

"Look here, _**mam**_…" I sat up straight, ready to take my stand after my insulting comment. "As I'm sure many of the people who _**ordered**_ you to do this for me have told you other things then that incident a month ago. So I'm gonna be straight forward. I am 18, a detective, a tech genius, a graduated smart ass orphan from Wammy's in England. My intelligence can outrun your career if I actually cared to learn how to tolerate patients. It would take me a month to major your job, so please don't act like I have no idea what I'm saying, thinking, or explaining. If I say the medications are keeping me awake, check up the god damn ingredients, and you'll find your answers there, lady."

With that, I stood quickly, grabbing my coat, pacing towards the door.

"And what makes you so sure you're right?"

I stopped, turning to her, my expression baffled. Why ask such a stupid question? I already gave her the answer to that one too.

She sighed, tossing her clip board aside, the sound of it impacting against the wall loud. "Look, kid, I may be older, and my brain may not function as fast as yours. But you can't _say_ that you can actually gain more knowledge then me when it comes to this career…" She placed an elbow against the arm rest, balling her hand into a fist, pressing her chin against it. Closing her eyes softly, she exhaled, seemingly trying to hold her temper.

I chuckled softly, turning my body towards her, crossing my arms against my chest. "Oh yeah?" A brow rose. "Why's that?" Really, women, tell me.

"C'mon, Mail Jeevas," She looked up from her face down tilted head, her expression smug. "You're a genius? Why can't you answer that?"

I winced. "You bitc-"

"Besides," She crossed her legs, sitting up, placing both hands against her lap, holding each other. "You already answered my question."

I winced again, taken aback. For once, I had no idea what she was trying to imply, and had no idea how I answered such a question. I turned towards the door, opening it quickly. "Tell Mello I decided to fuck off." I paced out, into the hallway, and ran out the building, avoiding anyone that bitch might call to take me back to her office.

* * *

When I got home, I expected the worst. In these situations, where I act 'rebellious', I await the peeved little blond chocolate obsessed boy pacing across the room, waiting to knock me out cold. Something he hasn't done in awhile now. I guess the incident a month ago really bothered him.

Being careful now, is he? Feeding me the kindness, hoping it drives me to sanity, huh? Heh, right.

But when I entered, I met a calm blond, sitting in the couch, watching TV while munching at a chocolate bar imported from his birth country, Germany.

"I'm…" One of my eyes narrowed in suspicion. "…Home." I closed the door behind me slowly, locking it.

I stood still, waiting, but nothing happened. Shrugging I removed my shoes, and walking farther into the living room.

At that moment, the phone rang. I flinched, and froze for a second.

"Um," I brought up a hand, in the form of a frozen wave, and looked to Mello as my body faced the stairs. "I'm going to my room now. Kind of tired."

He only returned my stare, his blue eyes seeming confused, ignoring the constant ringing. I guess he figured out the situation, the one I hope wasn't going to happen.

Slowly, he stood from the couch, turning away from me as I calmly up the stairs, holding the urge to full out run.

I hurried as I reached my door, and nearly jumped in, as if running from a killer chasing me.

From my room, as I leaned against the door, locking the knob from turning, I could hear Mello picking up the phone from its charger, could hear him press the 'talk' button, and his calm voice ask who was calling without a greeting.

"Who is this?…. Oh, hello…. Yes Matt's here… I don't know if he's up for talking, he said he wanted to catch some rest… Why?…"

My heart froze.

"Is that right?"

I could hear is tone get deeper, progressively darker.

"Thank you for telling me, bye."

He pressed the talk button again, and as if waiting for her to hang up, he took his rage out, and chucked the phone across the kitchen. I could hear it hit the wall, his heaving, his pacing as he head towards the stair, his stomps as he head towards my room.

The sound of shaking metal sent my emerald green eyes towards the knob. And I watched, my breathe hitched from fear, as the golden hold shook violently.

Knowing this would result to no avail, he gave up, and instead began knocking the door, hard.

"Mail! Open this fucking door!!"

I didn't respond, just shook my head, closed my eyes tightly, and slid down the door, my body already becoming warm, already sweating.

"MATT!!"

Please stop…

"MATT!!! I SAID OPEN THE DOOR!"

Please, no more.

I cringe, my hands flying towards my head, pressing against the sides of my skull.

"I SAID," The door pulsed greatly as a huge impact from the other side hit it. "OPEN," Another. "THIS," Another. "DOOR!!" Another, followed by another, and another.

I scrambled to a crawl, moving towards the bathroom in my room. If he managed to break down that door, then I could securely lock myself in there.

Rushing in, I stood up, nearly falling over and slammed the door shut, locking it.

Mello's shouts could be heard, along with his foul language, as he demanded I leave the bathroom and unlock the room door.

But I remained silent. He was mad because I was talking for myself, because, as a human being, I was giving myself my own rights and privileges, and because, like an adult, was doing as I pleased, and left.

At the moment, his mind was probably so clouded with rage, that he only though about lecturing me rather than thinking of any possibilities I could act upon in a locked room.

So, due to the fact, I slowly clicked the medicine cabinet open, swinging the door against my palm to not provoke noise, and slowly searched through the bottles of medications for something not as lethal is I used it more than once.

As the saying goes, take too many pills, OD, then death comes knocking at your door with IV's and scornful doctors.

I held the small blade, usually used for more heavy duty cutting, a razor, sharp at that.

Holding my breath, I brought my arm up, holding it over the sink, ignoring the other cuts that already vacated the area of my pale skin.

The blade slowly pressed against my flesh, my cowardice holding me back from daring to go further.

But I kept breathing, trying to convince my self that a few inches in, or centimeters, would be too much trouble.

Nodding, feeling convinced, ready, and ridiculous to still be afraid after doing this so many times, I pressed in.

Now all I had to do was bring it across my wrist.

A loud bang shook me, tensed me, as I heard hinges explode.

The shock was immense, I was surprised, taken way off guard, and the blade, it flinched along with me.

My grab, it tensed the grip.

And my arm was draining me of my blood.

I hissed and dropped the razor into the sink, my hand gripping my bleeding forearm.

If I could run the sink without stirring suspicion, I could clean this. So holding my arm against my chest and staining my vest with blood was no an option.

Opening my eyes I looked to the cut, shocked, a pang of dizziness hitting me as I looked to it.

I coughed a gag, and gripped tighter.

This is bad, I realized, I need to tend to it immediately, I figured.

But I started to loose myself in the waste of blood. My body was fragile. I had not eaten for days, had not slept for days, I was weak, too weak for this.

I came to a stand, my legs moving, taking steps on their own as I shook in a spin of exhuastion and pain.

My head tilted back, my back slightly arched, and my arm was pressing against my chest, my grip slipping as the blood became it's oil and lotion.

My eyes narrowed as I stared towards the ceiling, my cheeks grew warm.

If I looked at my state, I'm sure I would have looked like a heated tease of some twisted sort.

The sound around me began to pound against my ears along with my heart pace.

The sound of Mello's voice was starting to fade behind the bass like pulses.

I couldn't feel, but heard my back hit against the door as I began to faint.

I didn't know how, but knew that I was sitting on the floor.

I didn't realize that I let go of my tight grip, and that both of my arms lays at each side, relaxing themselves.

The door was loud. The smacks didn't phase me, since I felt nothing put sleep tugging at me.

Mello's yelling voice became muffled along with the sound of the shaking knob.

My green eyes started to watch the corners of my eyes darken as they stared towards the pool of my blood below me.

I knew, I'm fucked.

My head began to fall lower, lower, lower, as I became more tired, too tired.

The whimpers on the other side began to fade, the yelling sounded soft, concerned. The voice distanced, and foot steps ran the other way.

"Mello?" I asked. But no one responded. "Mello…" I whispered, closing my eyes. "Don't call them. Leave me alone. Leave me here…" My eyes fully closed, and my ability to speak became harder, I was whispering too softly for ears. "Please, leave me… K?….."

* * *

**Author- I love cliff hangers, but you don't.**

**OHHHH what happens NOW?!**

**Please review, and you'll find out.**

**Or I QUIT.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author- This one took longer to type then last nights.**

**That's because it's longer. So I didn't really check for word mix ups. I doubt there are typos other than wrong word usage (like instead of their it's there. Or here with hear). HEY HEY,**

**English is my third language, so deal.**

**Anyways, I love you guys, especially those who reviewed.**

**I'll answer questions next chapter… IF YOU REVIEW.**

**Because honestly, I won't write, if no one reviews. That's like babysitting for no pay, doesn't work that way.**

* * *

I couldn't feel anymore pain than I felt as of the moment, that's what I gathered.

The tugs, the piercing, the noise, the lights, my arm.

There was no asking on my part. Although I knew they had drugged me to wither down the ache, my brain still functioned.

A few drugs can't put me down, I know this. You don't.

The constant chatter, hearing them give others instructions as I felt my body fly, being moved against my will, as I lay on a bed many have died on.

Was I going to be one of them?

Would this finally be the end of my tale?

I think I'm smiling, smirking, I could at least feel some of the muscles on my face right now.

They are holding my arm in the air, inspecting it I think.

I open my eyes slightly, cursing mentally at the blur of everything that was starting to make me ill.

Unfortunately, as soon as I was able to define the events around me, someone pushed me down against the bed, and held me tightly against it.

Here came the pain, I know it.

Soon after, my predictions ate my mind in nothing but a shock of pain.

It took awhile for me to notice that the ear piercing shriek was mine, and it was until my arched head, exhausted, dropped onto the cotton below me.

I slowly opened my eyes, huffing, moving my emerald irises around to inspect further.

Of course, there he stood. The blond fuss, at my side, looking more scared than before.

I'm drugged, too drugged, no control over 80% of my actions.

Slowly, I rose my unwounded arm towards him, my barely respondent hand reaching towards his face.

He seems taken off from my move, though I don't mean to be flirty or anything, I just want to see if I could feel, if this is real, because all of it feels like an awful dream.

Shut up everyone. For once, can't their be complete silence? Just **shut the fuck up**!

He eases, and leans into my knuckles, allowing his cheek to touch my skin, probably, as smart as he is, understanding what I was trying to do.

"Matt," He whispers against my hand, I feel his breathe.

I pull away, nodding as a thanks. He nods back, as in 'your welcome'.

So this is real, unfortunately. My eyes look away from him, and I sigh, looking up towards the ceiling.

Why is it that hospitals are always white? Are they teasing those who are to die by giving them the impression they're in heaven, or close?

What if it isn't heaven that awaits us, but rather hell? I know that where I'm headed. Would be in there if it wasn't for Mello. Not that I mind if I was.

"Matt, do you know what's going on?"

I looked to Mello, my head spinning. I'm gone beyond the drugs, entering a high. But I nod, presenting the fact that I'm not too happy about being here.

"They poured some peroxide into your gash to disinfect the flesh." He explained.

I huffed lightly, my eyes rolling with every slow blink. I'm not an idiot Mell's, I know the procedure.  
You think I didn't hear it from those people in the center?

"As of now, you're drugged. They're going to stitch you up, so if you fall asleep, don't be alarmed." He further explained.

Yah, whatever, sleep sounds good. I allowed my eyes to slightly shut, my facial muscles calming.  
My "mum", or rather, the orphan maid who took care of the children as was often referred to as 'mum', would say that when I slept, I look like a dead angel.  
I still find that funny.  
I wonder if I still look like I did that day?

With all that I've done to myself, I wonder if I still look healthy, sane… Yeah, I doubt that.

Time can't be turned back.  
Mello would tell this too me almost everytime.  
Every day he caught me doing something, he would trash out a lecture, and in the end gently say 'Mail, you have to be careful. You can't turn back time'.

True…  
Then why do you keep turning mine? Make me go through the same shit almost every month?

You aren't the cause for my hell, you're the cause of my remain. If I were gone, I wouldn't have to go through these incidents.

God Mello, I **hate** you.

I…

* * *

Shaking... That irritating tug and push.  
I woke in my senses, and see nothing but black. Which most likely meant that I was asleep.

"Matt, wake up. We've gotta go."

I slowly opened my eyes, cringing at the fact that I was still at the place I dreaded, the damned hospital.  
But when I left from therapy, it was turning night. The light shining through the shades was so bright, I knew it was early.

"Mell's… Why is it sunny outside?"

He chuckled lightly, calling me an idiot in his own way, finding my ignorance pathetic. "You stayed the night from yesterday. They wanted to keep an eye on you."

I only nodded.  
Looking down, I noticed I was in a hospital gown.  
Eck, the dreaded things. "Hey, Mello, mind handing my clothes over? I wanna change."

He only stared at me for a second, as if he couldn't interpret what I was saying. "Oh, yeah."  
He walked away from me and towards a balcony in the room, towards the right of where I lay. He picked up the stack of my folded clothes, and I noticed something.

"Mello, why is that the clothes from yesterday?" The blood was all over the vest, the black and red stripped long sleeved shirt, the gray jeans.

He looked down, inspecting it. "Yeah, sorry, I didn't bring any."

I rolled my eyes, sitting up. "You go back to the cozy home, and bring jack shit? Gee, thanks." Reaching over, I snatched the clothing from him rather aggressively.

He huffed. "I **_wish_**. My ass stayed the night. I slept on the bench. Not to mention the room was fucking hot."  
He walked towards a seat across the room, slamming himself into it, swinging one leg over the over, crossing his arms against his chest. He looked like a pouting child compared to me, who sat like my usual bored self- unconcerned and just calling for a future permanent hunch back. "Thanks to your body temperature and poor body circulation," He continued, throwing his arms about. "They had to raise the **heat** during the fucking summer."

I only nodded, laughing lightly.

Thankfully, I still had my boxers on.  
So, because I am a guy, and Mello is one too, I stood, and undid the gown, changing quickly, my back facing the blond to not reveal my frontal torso and arms, etc.

"Matt," He called out. I could feel his eyes glaring into my back.

"Hm?" I asked, sliding the long sleeve over my head, arms.

What he said next was surely unexpected. "Turn towards me."

My body visibly flinched, hunched, as I was thrown into a pool of littered letters spelling out 'wtf'. My brain felt incapable of thinking straight.

I looked over my shoulder towards him. "Why, boss?"

His face cringed. Already pissed? Damn man.

"Because I said so, Jeevas. Now, follow the order."

It doesn't take rocket science or an instructions book to learn how to avoid scandals and what not. Before turning, I slid my shirt down, now officially comfortably on my body. "There, satisfied?" I asked, arms out. "If you were expecting some hard on, I'm sorry."

He winced at the comment. I wanted to laugh, but kept it to myself. He isn't gay, just like I'm not. So throwing that out to a rather peeved crazy blond like Mello is like slicing off your own head and placing it on a platter. Fortunately, we're good friends, so that doesn't mess with him as much as it would if someone else had said it.

"Matt, for one, do not **fuck** with me." He spat.

My brows knotted in fake pain as I slid my pants up. "_Ohh_, **ouch**. Why the hate?"

"Second of all, I'm not the idiot you wish I were."

I zipped and locked the jeans on, turning to him. "Well, someone's full of himself." Reaching over, I picked up the bloody vest. My eyes stared at it for awhile, and I decided, after a few quick seconds, to not walk out in it, with the blood and all.

"Shut up, you moron!" He spat, quickly standing from the chair, arms shaking with fisted hands. "Lift up your shirt."

If I could describe my face, I would have had to look at a mirror. I'm pretty sure I looked stupid. "What?" I huffed out, adding a slight laugh.

"You heard me, Mail. Lift. It. Up."

I cocked my head back, looking clearly disturbed. "No! What the hells gotten into you man?"

But before I was able to grab my coat to just carry as we left, he decided to climb onto the bed, and tackled me to the ground.

Yeah, the girls into this kind of stuff would have a _**thrill**_. Though, this was disturbing beyond comprehension.

"Mello!" I shouted, squirming from below him, trying to get out.

But he was sitting atop me, his legs pressing against each side of my hips, locking me into a hold.

My hands instinctively started to push at him, trying to get him off. But he kept blocking, kept flicking them off, trying to grab at the bottom edge of my shirt.

"Mell-**AH**!" I cut off, feeling his hand grip at my injured wrist rather tightly. Yeah, it hurt like a bitch.

A way I could describe it goes like this, it felt like the stitches that stuck out were pulling my gash, along with rubbing against the tight bandages. I'm sure it was bleeding.

But Mello got what he wanted. We both sat still, huffing, but still non the less, he didn't have to struggle anymore.

"Well Matt, are you hiding something?" He asked, but seemed rather pissed then victorious. He still held my wrist.

I glanced up to the bandages, then back to his eyes, noticing the rather light blue tint was now a shade darker, thanks to his choppy blond hair curtaining down towards me. I slightly shook my head, a stupid move.

He laughed lightly. "You ignorant child, you obviously want to hide something from me." He held the edges of my shirt, ready to slide it up my stomach.  
But I acted again, and struggled against the pain. This time, I tasted the copper in my mouth as he punched me.

I froze, caught off guard by the contact. He hadn't done that to me in awhile, and I didn't miss them, they hurt.

"Fuck, Matt!" He threw my arm away from him. His hands flew to his hair, gripping at his blond locks. He seemed frustrated. "I **didn't** want to do that!" He spat, pressing his eyes shut. He loosened the grip from his thighs and pushed against my chest to slow himself to a stand.

But I didn't move, still in shock from the pain that was coursing through my face.

"Matt, I'm sorry."

Finally, I blinked.  
Turning my head towards the ceiling I sighed, and stood with closed eyes, avoiding the coming headache. When he punched me, it didn't only hit my cheek, but my head as it collided with the hard floor. "It's ok," I shook my head. My uninjured arm reached up towards my face, wiping at the blood draining from my lip. "It's ok."  
I looked to him from my seated position on the ground, reading his pained expression. "It's my fault. Sorry." But his guilt didn't drain in the least.

Struggling to stand, I pressed against the bedside table. "Let's go home." I sighed.

He just nodded, and followed me as I took the lead out.

But all I could think during the way to my freedom, was how lucky I was for taking his mind away from his thoughts, forcing that punch to come. Well, not that I expected the punch.

However, I was lucky.

Unconsciously, I touched my abdomen, hiding back the smile of relief. "I think I'm hungry." I lied.

He only nodded while we reached my red car.

* * *

The drive was, well uncomfortable. Mello was silent, and the radio was off.

All I could hear was my horsepower growling as Mello pushed the petal, accelerating like a mad man.  
I just hoped we wouldn't get pulled over, since he yet had a drivers license. I was the one who bought the car for me and motorcycle for him.

"Mello," I began, tired of the silence. "Um, are you-?"

"I'm fine," He lied, glaring towards the road. "I know you're not hungry, liar. You don't eat."

I winced, letting a small open smile trail my mouth as I was caught lying again. Though, my eating disorder is no mystery.

"We'll get home. You'll bathe and change. I need to talk to you."

I cocked my head, looking towards him, laughing lightly. "Talk to me?" He seemed urged too. "Don't tell me you plan to be my second therapist, Mell's."

He cringed, angry, and looked towards me with a glare. "Shut the fuck up. No, I don't intend to tolerate your shit like that women. I intend to get some shit straight, understand?"

My brows raised in slight surprise, not that's his way of talking was out of the ordinary. It's just, well, after a month of being treated like a fragile ornament, he was rather harsh now. I kind of and kind of don't miss it.

I turned towards the road, nodding for no particular reason.

Reaching towards the passenger side compartment in front of me, I opened it, searching for my cigarettes.  
Smiling, I took the black case out. Rather expensive at that.

I thought the chocolate German freak would have tossed them towards the trash. I thank him for either ignoring them, or not checking my car. He doesn't like my smoking habit. But hey, he's not my wife either.

He glanced towards me, and looked back to the road, his expression everything that showed disgust. "Why do you like those so much?"

I pulled one out from the silver wrapping and held it up before me, presenting it. "This?" I placed the black cigarette in my mouth, licking the tip of the filter with slight joy. "Well, compared to many other brands, these are my favorite. Quite tasty. You should try them." Not that I would give one to him. The pack is rather expensive. Seven American USD (dollars) a pop, One Thousand Nine Hundred Yen a pack, dunno how much in jolly old England.

"Well, would you mind **not **smoking them near me?" He hissed.

I knotted my brows. "Sorry, Boss; but I intend to." I lit it up, inhaling as the tip lit to a marvelous red, the cherry flickering black, nicotine brown, and warm red. "Besides," I breathed out the smoke, watching as if gathered around the confines of the car. "My car, my rules."

He only scoffed and rolled down the windows, smacking the radio station on, to block out my cocky voice.

Shrugging I looked out towards the street. For such a sunny beginning, it was drawing to a sulky end. The sky was already dimming, the signs of a rainy day.

I remember a similar incident like this.  
It was just like thiscurrent scene, in my car, Mello driving towards Near's headquarters.  
While I was smoking, from the corner of my eyes, I could see Mello hunching over the steering wheel during a red light, looking up towards the sky from the windshield as if something decipherable was going on in the sky.  
He then sat back down and looked to me, and in the calmest voice, pointing a gloved finger towards the sky, he said, _'That's how your lungs must look like right now.'_

Ah, memories. I must have looked stupid as we drove home when I huffed out a laugh. Mello was not wrong for looking at me oddly, since he wasn't reading my thoughts or watching my memory.

Oh well.

* * *

When we got home, I skipped the offer for dinner. Instead, I just removed my boots, threw the coat aside into the laundry room near the entry, passed by the dim living room, and towards the stairs.

Mello wasn't pleased, and of course, remembered his demand for a good lecturous chat. But I could care less, and didn't want to hear it.

I read the discharge papers. No visits back, no blah blah blah and etc. Meaning, I was free from the hospitals clutches, but not from therapy, or Mello.

Therefore, I was not going to have a thrill when I visited that women next time.

"Matt!"

Already. I groaned, walking up the stairs.

He threw my car keys; I heard it slide over the counter and land on the kitchen floor. His rushed foot steps followed me. "Matt, stop!"

I was already mid way up the stairs when I looked down to him, who stood at the bottom of the stairs, ready to follow if I decided to go on.

"Matt, I said I wante-"

"Listen man." I interrupted, my hand ruffling at my hair, tired. "I don't wanna hear it. Understand? I'm sure you know I'm tired as hell. This is, what? Day two of nothing but everyone's crap?"

Silence followed for a few minutes, and he just returned my glare.

Sighing, I turned, and headed for the last few steps up.  
But as soon as I took two steps up, the blond decided to rush midway up the stairs before I paused yet again.

"So now we're playing mother goose?" I spat.

He growled under his breathe. But before he spoke, spat, lectured, whatever, anything annoying that would eventually leave his mouth, I spoke.

"You know what? Whatever," I turned away. "You can follow me, but not into my room. I won't talk to you. I don't care if you're two years older. You can't tell me what to do. I thought you knew that we orphans gave that up as soon as our parents abandoned us."

He didn't follow, as if what I said struck a cord. But it seems a different one then what I thought.

"So is that what this is about?" Mello asked, though not angry in the least. "Because we were abandoned in the orphanage?"

I laughed, literally, out loud. "C'mon Mell's. You now I'm not sensitive like that. I could care less. In fact, if it weren't for being abandoned, I wouldn't be as smart as I am today. I've gotta thank them for admitting us into a dump, or else Whammy's would have never found us."

Honestly, that's why I don't mind having no parents. I'm glad of my life in Whammy's, it's help. I never cared for parents, or the people who gave birth to me, because I just don't mind. That's not an important or s sensitive subject for me like the others. For me, it's just another part in my life that's just there. Nothing more then a speck, compared to the after.

"Matt, pleas-"

I cut him off again. I didn't want to hear his plea. When he actually goes as far to add in 'please', I feel guilty. I can't stand to see him like this. "Mello, I'm gonna play some video games. You can join later, after I bathe and what not."

He didn't follow, just stood mid way up the stairs, his hand gripping the oak railing nailed into the vanilla cream wall.

His expression, I could tell it was fallen, but I didn't pay it any mind, didn't look back.

I'm a terrible living being. I'm awful, disgusting, corrupt...

I take back what I said earlier. I do care about the parents who left me, because everyday I wake, breathe, live, I hate them for one reason and one reason alone...

Giving birth to me.

Walking into the room, I turned towards the door, and forgot about the empty arch. Mello had kicked it down, awesome.

So instead of getting worked up and angry, I took the door that sat against the wall, and placed it over the gap. "That'll do for now, I guess."

Standing still, I tried to listen to any footsteps outside my door. Upon hearing none, I arched backwards, trying to see if Mello was standing outside my door, checking on me.

But he wasn't, which reached me to the conclusion that after he found me, while the paramedics looked me over, he was cleaning out my room of any razors and medications.  
I decided I didn't even have to check to confirm.

But there was a hidden spot I hope he didn't find. He didn't mention it, so I guess it was safe.

Walking towards a corner in my room, near my closet, I stared at it.

Pulling out my lighter, I squat down, and headed up the edges as I pulled out a plastic knife from a crack on the floor. He probably let this stay as a dirty decoration, and because it was plastic. Thank god.

I slid the plastic knife into the cracks and pulled it at an angle, watching as the slab wiggled and slowly slid out.

My "friend" in rehab told me about his secret compartments that no one found. Apparently, on of his friends would visit his place from time to time to supposedly pick up some things, clothing or snacks. In truth it was an excuse to avoid the kids parents suspicion. The friend was to go to his house, and check the secret compartments in his home, in order to report if the kids parents had found his stash and bongs, etc.

After being released, I did the same. And I must say, after he detailed what I had to do, I thank him. Because if someone didn't really think I had the time, or thought about making such a thing, then I could hide a corpses hand in there for years. No one would find the explanation for the stench, since the compartment was so smooth, and blended against the wall.

The edges were covered with a thin solid plastic, which was there to not damage the edges, or the wall. If it weren't for that, then the starch and what not would be obvious.

I slowly placed the slab onto the compartment, and smiled.

Everything was there. The shots, the booze, the razors.

Looking around and over my shoulder to check, I saw no blond. But I was particularly worried about the gap in between the tilted door, that looked down towards the stairs that Mello would no doubt later walk up.

Reaching over quickly I grabbed a needle and a small plastic baggie that was tightly wrapped around the heroine.

I grabbed onto the spoon slowly, to avoid the metallic clank it if hit the wall. Breathing out calmly, in satisfaction with a well done an clean act, I stuffed the items into my jean pocket.

Grabbing the wall slab, I began to slowly place it towards the wall, hesitating as I saw the razors shine behind it, the light on my ceiling causing the glint, teasing me. But I decided against it, Mello was surely going to check my wrists from time to time.

I placed the slab in slowly, inch by irritating inch, hoping that Mello wouldn't come up asking why the shower water was yet running.

Sliding my hand against the edges, I made sure it was leveled enough to not shadow if light cast down on it.

Tucking the plastic knife against the edge of the carpet a few feet inches away, I stood, making sure the cap didn't slide off the tip of the needle and stab at my thigh.

Walking into the bathroom, I flicked the light open, and thanked Mello for finding a creative way to open this door rather then kicking it down.

It locked just find, and wasn't dented or hurt.

Running the shower water, I waited for the temperature to reach my liking as I used it's noise to cover up what I was doing.

I lay the objects over the counter , placing each side by side delicately.  
First the spoon, then the heroine, the needle, and the lighter.

Pulling off my belt, I tied it around my uninjured arm, tapping the vain that always popped out more than the other.

Quickly, I got to work, trying to do this before my arm went numb due to poor circulation.

I opened the baggie, letting it twirl in between my shaking fingers. Wow, I must be eager.

Slowly, I poured a small amount into the spoon, and spread it out with the end of my lighter. If I used my finger, the power would get stuck on the tips of my fingers.

Satisfied with the appropriate spread, I got to work.

Grabbing the needle, I pulled the cap off with my teeth, since my other hand was occupied with the spoon.

I lay the ready-to-use needle on the counter, and held the lighter again, under the spoon.

With a bit of a struggle, I rolled the safety lock, and watched the flame spit out and push against the silver metal. Swaying the fire from left to right under the spoon, I watched as the drug slowly melt to liquid.

Quickly, I reached over for the needle, and placed it into the chemical.

Pushing the end and letting it draw back, the liquid sucked itself into the injections small measurable case.

It rose its quantity, not lethal, but close enough. No, this was no suicide attempt, just a habit.

I pulled the needle away and placed it over my vain. Aiming right, and hitching my breathe, I pushed the tip in, and pressed the back end quickly, the chemicals shooting in.

Such a long preparation for something that only took a few seconds.

I sat back into the back end of the toilet seat and sighed out in pleasure as the high slowly kicked in. Slowly, heroine isn't some fast drive miracle drug.

But I was starting to stumble. Opening the shower curtain, I kneeled against the floor, removing my clothes with quite a struggle.

Forgetting the belt around my arm, I pulled it off with irritation.

I just hoped that Mello wouldn't ask to look at my shitless torso again. Too many scars, very visible ribs, heroin shot marks.

Not a pleasant site, and not to mention there was more.

As I got into the shower, nude of my clothing, I, for some reason, remembered the gun I hid in my car.

The gun that was most likely there, since my cigarettes were there too.

I wouldn't have to hide it, hoping that Mello didn't check my pockets as I left.

All I would do is walk to the car, and drive away. As fast as I can before Mello decided to check my room and find my cheesy farewell note.

The car would stop at a hill, the very well known drifters mountain that was feature in some movie I can't recall. And there, I would watch the sun set melt along the horizon.

And there… I would find my escape.

Yes… I will do this, I decided. I promise.

* * *

**Author- Uh-oh.**

**Matt's doing drugs, lmao. The incident is somewhat hidden for those who don't get it much, because, I admit, people can attempt many ways. But I mean, many.**

**Thanks for reading again.**

**I do know the drifter mountain, lol, it was in FATF: Tokyo Drift. Lol**

**So, remember the rule? I updated because I got some reviews.**

**I still stick to my cruel vow.**

**No Reviews, I motherf'ing QUIT.**

**F.Y.I- He promises as in the next day. You'll find out why he's so desperate too.**


	3. Chapter 3 Run Away

**Author: **Sorry for the one day gap, not really, heh, you guys have to be patient with me of all authors in this site.  
I was going to update yesterday night, but my mother decided to fuck with my head, and lets say, I kind of, well, heh, flipped out and cried.  
Usually, I never did, I was always seen as 'the strong bitch that wasn't phased by the yelling and insults', but it happened in 8th grade, when I FAKED cried.  
Then it became easier for me to cry, and turned into some emotional instability, lol, I think that's a weird way of breaking the shell too, so yeah. Sorry for any typos, but don't forget, my English isn't awesome.

As I promised, here are some answers or responses to reviews.  
**Miss_Hal_Gibson**: Haha, here ya go.

**Apollo**: I personally love putting the cliffhangers in, but hate receiving them when I read fics, lol, kinda selfish. I will continue as long as I get reviews, that's the only reason lol (because I'm selfish).

**Shipet100**: Thank you

**Rebel**: Haha, yeah. I recently read some fictions, and there was only 2 in which Matt was the emo. And the rest were Near, or Mello suffering. A lot of it had things like sex and rape, and I'm kind of tired of reading the easy loop into Yaoi, it just fails like that, to me anyways.  
But thanks for the reviews :).

**Mia-Gabriella**: And I have updated, so keep your sanity sane, or you won't be able to read this lol. I researched on rehabs and have visited them. They will not let you on computers, unless monitored, so reading this may extend your stay time.  
Why does Matt do this stuff to himself? Well, unless I've stated it, then the purpose of a story is to unravel itself in time. So keep your sanity, and when this story is over, you may remove it and place it in a box. However, I am not responsible for your presentation of running around Wal-Mart with an underwear over your head and no pants, if that were to happen.

**ZomgKelley**: No offense, but your 'Zomg' part of your screen name reminds me of Bruno. I loved the movie, so that isn't a bad thing, lol. Why does that make you laugh (about the shit Matt's doing)? I have no idea. I mean, I do, but all my logics hit a wall, because if you're reading the fic, you must like Matt in some way. Oh well. Yes, yes you did review. And here's my Thank you, lol (I mean the chapter).

Also, for those who didn't, forgot, or thought I meant you only had to review one chapter our of the story (you're dead wrong by the way), I'll thank you here:  
**Miss_Hal_Gibson**; **Mimi**; **Mia-Gabriella**; **Taio_Ryder**; **TimelyExit**; **_Death**; **IndifferenceToSociety**(kudos for the name); **Apollo**; **shipet100**; **Rebel**; and **ZomgKelley**.

You guys are **awesome**.  
Here's your gift. (well, at least I hope you like it, lol)

* * *

"I'm going out…"

It wasn't the day after my discharge yet. In fact, it was only 11:42 pm. I ran down the stairs, walking past Mello who lazed in the couch, like always, eating his treat, or rather, normal food, of the day, or of every week.

He turned away from the TV and towards me, watching as I searched the premises of the kitchen, searching for my car keys that were so kindly tossed across the room.

"Where to?" He asked me, his wide eyes sending a small shiver down my spine.

You would think I would get used to those eyes, those bug like creep eyes, living with him in the orphanage and all. But I could honestly tell you I still hate those eyes.

I shrugged, leaning against the counter, looking to him. "To buy some smokes."

His brows knotted as his mind ran into thinking about the suspicious situation. "But you still have a full pack with you." He quickly stated.

If I cut from the drugs, I think my brain would run at his equal speed, or a few less. Mello was a prodigy after all.

I shrugged again, looking to the floor around my feet, still searching for the keys. "Yeah, well, I still gotta buy some more, since I'll probably finish them soon. Also, I wanna buy some snacks, drinks, whatever."

He sighed, irritated. "Matt, for fuck sakes." He turned in the couch, looking to the TV as he munched into his chocolate bar. "Why do you have to lie so fucking much? You know you're just running into walls every time you decide to lie; to me, no less."

I sighed, cracking a small smile. "You're so conceited." He visibly stiffened. Before he decided to throw fire chocolate balls at me, I asked about the where-bout's of my property. "Hey, Mell's, do you know where my keys resided after you flicked them around the room?"

He didn't move, just watched TV, as if I never spoke.

"_Miheaaaaal_." I bothered. He didn't like being called that. I placed my hand out, as if waiting for him to dish it there. "Key's."

Moving slightly, he seemed to pull something from his jeans. I heard the jingle, and knew he was in hold of them, unfortunately.

"Mello, give me my keys." I sighed, sliding my arms away from the counter as I walked towards him.

As if wanting to play around, he cupped his hand firmly around the keys, and placed them back into his pant pocket, not even shaking his head, or saying anything that would clearly state the obvious- I was stuck here.

I groaned, walking closer. Standing still beside the couch, I looked down to him, me hand crossed over my chest. Now I was the one that seemed to be pouting. "Mello." I firmly called out, but he just kept watching TV.

Glancing towards the screen, I sighed loudly, and walked around the couch, throwing myself into it in defeat.

"I need to search your car too."

I froze, but tried to hide the sudden tenseness that stiffened my muscles. I cracked a smile, trying to seem cool and confused about his sudden statement. "Heh, why's that? That's stupid."

Mello only turned to me, biting off a big chunk of his chocolate, the snap louder than the stupid action flick that was on TV. I guess by this he was stating that I was the imbecile asking stupid questions to obvious actions.

"Matt," He sighed. "Do you honestly believe I'll let you drive out, where you could obtain things to harm or kill yourself with?" He smirked out the last word.

I felt stumped, not thinking about his reason that much. But I blame my lack of nutrition, not allowing my brain to run on the fast lane.

He stood from the couch, walking towards the kitchen, wrapper in hand. The keys hung out from his pocket, jingling against the other chains caught in the metallic loop.  
I eyed them with narrowed eyes.

"The outside world is your current friend," He shouted from the kitchen as I sat still in the couch, watching the TV, trying to block out his annoying voice. "Gas stations, cliffs, other cars, drug stores, etc."

I shrugged. "They're most likely closed at this hour." I tried.

The fridge audibly opened, which meant he took my statement lightly. "True, but this is Tokyo, and there are many places they leave open for 24 hours."

I sighed loudly, in defeat and frustration. Quickly I stood from the couch and head to the door.

His blond choppy hair swayed as he turned his head quickly towards me. With slow steps, as if trying to seem cautious, he neared me, staring as I slid my boots on. "Where are you going? We're secretly located nearly in the middle of nowhere. And you can't drive any of the vehicles we have-"

"**Walk**." I spat, almost breaking my leg as I pulled the boots on fiercely, pitifully struggling.

Mello backed away slowly, slightly confused.

I paused for a moment; looking to him I sighed again. "I'm going out on a **walk**." Shaking my head, I tended to my boots again, now comfortably placed over my legs. Quickly I began to tighten the laces, and tie the end near the slips of each shoes tongues. "Maybe go for a smoke, since you bitch about me smoking in here."

He visibly flinched, not liking my insult towards him. But he seemed to hold back, and changed the subject from what I thought he was going to spaz about. "You aren't allowed to do that, Matt."

Standing from the ground, hiking my pants around my waist as they began to slide down due to the fact that I had not been eating, my head tilted towards the ceiling, and I couldn't help but place the smirk of misbelieve on my face. "Your kidding right?" I looked to him, the smile remaining.

He only decided to glare back, his eyes dim as his brows narrowed.

Shaking my head I huffed a stifled laugh, and turned towards the door, mumbling rude remarks under my breathe that I'm sure he heard, but, strangely, didn't mention their mention. "Mell's, I'm going out for a few. I left the laptop on and adjusted the mic's vocalization in case the new L or Near contacts you, along with anyone from the SPK and Japanese task force. In other words," I turned to him, opening the door slightly. "You can't walk me around and hold my hand like the 'mummy' you seem to think you are."

Before he decided to act, I yanked the door open, beginning my exit. But as predicted, his hand slapped the back of the door. With great strength that I didn't expect from his scrawny self, he slammed it shut in front of me.

And with a growl, that always seemed to rip his throat, he yanked me back. While doing so, he turned me, gripped my shoulders painfully, and slammed me against the door, his face close.

To think this uncomfortable situation only took a few seconds for him to achieve. I'm guessing the mafia did teach him a few things.

"Just who the **fuck**… Do **you **think you're talking to?" He hissed, glaring at me, my expression clear as it mirrored off his crystal blue irises.

A tug towards him, and my back slammed the door again, painfully. I guess my bored, plastered facial expression hit a nerve. So what? I wasn't going to arouse his ego by acting as if I cared, pretending as if he was some scary figure.

I brought my hands up and placed them against his chest. My green irises flickered around his expression as my pupils read them, and I could see his face slightly change, knowing what I was about to do.  
Besides, he always knew who the dominant one in this house was.

Pushing harshly, Mello flung back and away, removing his hold from my shoulders.  
He stumbled back, his spine hunched forward as he tried to keep his balance from tripping. Catching his stand, he looked to me, surprise written all over his face.

Mail Jeevas had never harmed his friends. Had never presented a threat towards them. Had never shown his potential strength. And now, I was showing it to my, what I could consider, best and close friend.

Walking towards his still figure, I brought out my arms again, and pushed him hard.

His back hit the island counter top loudly, but his yelp of pain was louder.

Not putting up any defenses, he looked up to me in time to watch my fist collide with his face.

Mello's head turned fully towards to counter, face hidden behind the curtain of his blond hair, and he stood absolutely frozen, still.

"I don't have my fucking car keys. So at least have that much belief that I would do something stupid." Leaving him there, I walked towards the door. "Now leave me alone, let me smoke, and go to hell."

* * *

The horsepower purred as I pushed my foot against the petal.

I had taken the keys as he walked around the couch to throw away his chocolate bar wrapper. Unfortunately, I only had the car keys, my smokes, the gun in the back, and no way to get back inside the house in case I needed anything else.

Sighing loudly, I sat still in the car, looking back towards the home me and Mello occupied as a hide out from Kira and his delusional and naïve task force.

I watched the curtained windows, lit with dim lights from lamps and light sources within, as I listened to the garage door close slowly.

By this moment, I was 100% positive that Mello heard and knew. Only an idiot, or a deaf person (no offense), wouldn't hear my car, the garage, etc.

As expected, I heard the echo of a door slam from within the garage door from which I left. I heard Mello scream out my name in rage as he figured out that there was no way for him to catch up to me since the large white automatic door was already closing the narrow gap.

The door slammed again, meaning that he decided to run inside and was probably planning to come through the front door.

For some reason, I decided to wait. It was a cruel choice, even for me, but I decided to just sit in the drivers seat of my car, and wait.  
I think, in truth, even though I found it strange, I wanted to see him one last time. Although what I would see was a pitiful blond running towards me in great concern.

I would see him run to me like a hopeless idiot, his heart telling him to run as fast as he could to catch up to a vehicle in time.

My hand gripped the manual clutch, ready to take my leave, counting the seconds before the door would swing.

"**MATT!!!**"

I looked down to the clutch and quickly pushed it to a change, my foot pushing against the petal slightly.

He reached out a hand, his face hopelessly broken. "**MATT!! MATT!!! WAIT!!**"

These were going to be the last words I would hear from him. He would probably decide to call my mobile, and plea to me, to come back home. But he would later hear my phone ring in the house, in my room.

He would follow it, and find my letter. And, if he actually drained the shock fast enough, would drive his motorcycle in search for me.

When a person is in a rush of panic, they don't do things right.

Right now, one might ask why he didn't get into his vehicle as soon as he figured I was in mine.

Fear turns people into a state of panic, and during that state, as I said, they can't register or act properly.

Sighing again, forcing myself to go forth, I pressed the petal, and watched the road slide under the tire slowly.

Mello was close, nearly touched the exterior of the car. But as soon as I feared that he was too close, I pushed the petal further, and the car began to run faster, and faster, and faster, until the horsepower was the only thing I could hear as I changed gears.

Pressing the breaks, the car slowed. Without much hesitation, -fearing that he was already driving behind me-, I looked through the rear-view mirror.

I huffed a laugh, as if this were a game, and saw him, -even though he was getting farther from view-, already pressing the cell phone against his ear, his body turned to me as he watched the red lights of my car, the only indication that I was here.

His head seemed to turn to my open room window, then towards me.

Slowly, I closed my eyes. For once, towards Mello, my heart ached in sorrow and guilt. I was leaving him behind.

I remember him telling me that I was his only friend, the only one who accepted him, and never went against his actions when it came to the Kira case. I remember his behavior when he heard that L died, our idol.

I was sitting in our room, while I played video games. His short structure slammed the door open, and he paced in, gathering some clothing and what not. By then I asked him what he was wrong, but he just flipped, left his belongings in place, told me he was leaving, quitting Whammy's, to find and kill Kira.

I never told him the betrayal and loneliness I felt.

Then we meet again, we live together just like in the old days, and now it's my turn to leave him.

Not for pay back, but for my own wishes.

I'm not doing this because of what he did, but rather, because I want to for myself. It's just the connection that resembles the situation that brought that memory back.

I'm sorry Mello.

But at least we saw each other one last time.

* * *

**Author:** Sorry this chapter was short, but I'm really busy at the moment. Perhaps this means I'll update sooner though. Anyways, I was thinking about this recently…:

You know how people interpret "Kira" (キラ as the katakana/engrish way of saying "Killer") in English? Aren't you glad that in the DN series, instead of saying "Killer" all the time, they kept saying "Kira" instead? But you know what I think the equivalence of "Kira" stands for? Although I doubt the Manga-ka writer meant it, or was slipping it in their subliminally, I found a better way to state that Raito (Light), is Kira.

Well, Raito, or the English way it's pronounced, Light (even though the Kanji wasn't really an interpretation to Light) is the significance to "Shine", as in "twinkle twinkle" (lol). Kira in Japanese translates to shine, or a twinkle. So when you think of the term light, and its definition, you think of a shine, the lights shine, etc, which can be as equal to saying twinkle, as in "The **light** from the stars **twinkle**."

So, if we were putting this into some strange context, it would be said, "The **Raito** from the stars **kira**."

Haha, get it? Kira means shine and twinkle from the Light. Light and Shine have the same meaning, in a way. So Kira could not only interpret "Killer", but "Twinkle (of lights)". Raito=Shine/twinkle(Kira).  
So, in a way, you can easily define Raito as Kira, thanks to the ridiculous fact he concentrated the same definition as Killer, and Shine as in light of the new world, which both interpret Kira in both English, and Japanese.  
Lol. And remember, I will find the person who claimed this theory as their own, state you took it, so that everyone knows that you're a lying idiot. hehe.  
Sorry for the long paragraph thing, lol.

Remember, review, or this story dies... Meaning Matt will probably shoot himself in the head, Mello will probably go insane, and I quit, lol.  
Yes I'm threatening you in a pitiful way.

Also, if you have questions, message me, or place them in the comments, I'll answer.  
Till the next :)


	4. Chapter 4

Author: This little patch of my notes are dedicated to my mum, because I hate her a lot. So, there ya go mum, I fucking hate you :D

**IndifferenceToSociety:**Lol, glad you find it amusing. Well, dunno about right now, as in yesterday. But here it is today :D

**Miss_Hal_Gibson: **Haha, glad you love it, here it is. Chill, lol.

**Shipet100:** ah, and ya did review XD. I won't let it die, as in, here is the next chapter. Now now, I think harming him will only make him happy in some mental twisted way. Well, Mello's also a hot head, sooo, lol. His way of helping isn't always great.

**K-Danuve:** Thank you. My creative writing teacher and counselors/assistant principles said I should become some author in the long run. Nyeh, dun wanna. But during the summer, I'll have fun with these I guess.

**ZomgKelley:** Well, the movie is definitely disturbing. Fortunately I turned away during the right moments, as in… well… men parts…But the movie had a purpose showing Americans how anal they are towards homo's, how stupid they are for loving and wasting money on expensive fashion, and how religious the country is. So it's many things portrayed by fictional Bruno to show the world. But in a very disturbing way, lol.  
And thank you ^^. To be honest, I don't feel sorry for my characters. I just write like some weird ass robot. So I dunno if I should laugh or blankly stare at the situation with Mello in it, *shrug*

**Anne_Marie_Lovette:** Hiear (here). Lol….

**Yoru_K-Chan:** ok! OK! lol, here ya go! Is it still raining outside? Eh? Lol XD. Anyways, here ya go! Oh, and obviously I'm a horrible person. The threat's just there, but honest. Lol.

Thank you ALL for the kind and awesome reviews!

* * *

I ran towards the house as fast as my legs could take me.

The ache in my muscles were clear, I could feel them yell in protest. But I had to keep going, had to reach his room.

Matt, compared to my level of genius, is only a few levels down. I may tease, joke, and insult about this fact, but in truth, I appreciate it, because he's not like the others in society.

When he does certain things, it's not because he's just feels like it. Every action returns a planned reaction when it comes to Matt. But it's expected, because the only three L chose for the next placement titled worlds best detective was Near, Me, and Matt.

We were meant to be a team, but I shattered my own idols will, went against it, and smothered it under my selfish foot while he was being dug under the ground.

And now, I was going to watch another funeral procession, of another life that could have found great potential, but I fucked up, like always.

I ran up the stairs quickly, my legs nearly going numb by now, causing the climb to become a struggle. All the while, I didn't notice the mantra I whispered past my lips, his name, the repetition of "no's", and a few curse words.

I ran into his room, my feet giving way, causing me to stumble and fall to the floor near his bed, where I caught a glimpse of the note before I fell.

Crawling I made my way and climbed onto the bed, on my knees against it. My arms scrambled towards the note, ignoring the cell phone that sat on top of it.

Cursing at Matt, I shook my head, figuring that the situation was grave, especially after finding this.

My fingers shaking, I opened it, scanning over the letter with my eyes that felt like they were pulsing against my lids.

_Dear Miheal,_

I gasped a little. He never used my first name, unless he was trying to gain something, or he was being serious. That's how you knew Matt was being serious when he spoke, when he referred to someone with their first name, rather than a nickname you were given, or gained.

_I'm sure you're reading this. If not, then someone else has found it, so I'd appreciate it if you give it to Miheal. If you don't know who Miheal is, then ask Mello, and I'm sure he'd give it to him._

This guy, careful about our identities even while writing a suicide letter. I don't know if I should appreciate is cautiousness, or get angry.

_If you are Miheal, then, I just wanna say, man, I'm sorry. You're a good friend, so please, don't blame yourself, ever. Your religious, so I'm sure you know the term "things happen for a reason", under a God's name or something like that. Sorry, heh, I don't remember your lectures.  
__Anyways, I never blamed you for anything you did. I'm not angry at you for taking me from the institute, or leaving me alone there. I don't blame you for going against your idol, and leading the issue with your own segment. In fact, I think Lawlet would have appreciated your bold movements to go against his predictions and wanting, for your own benefits and such._

_Look, man, I'm doing this for my own reason. I'm out of place, the third wheel, literally. You guys, you and Nate, do this from now on. I'm kind of tired, from everything to. There are many things I want to just cut off, or forget. I'm pitiful, and broken. So, hey, listen, can you do something for me?  
__Make sure I turn into ashes. And also, please, whatever you do, don't cry. Because, man, I love you, and I don't want to see you in pain._

_So, please, don't cry._

_-Mail._

My fingers were shaking so much that the note finally managed to slide from my hands.

Grabbing his cell phone, I shoved it into my pant pocket, and ran down the stairs, towards the kitchen where I placed my keys in a drawer.

By now, I had a pretty good idea where the kid might be.

* * *

The horsepower roared to a slow death as I shut the car off.

Pulling the keys from the ignition, I pushed the door open, and walked out onto the road.

This was a famous hill seen in movies, the drifters spot, really high from the ground. No one came here on Thursday nights. The fun began during Friday and Saturday nights.

I came here often, before Mello decided to trap me at his place, acting like the reason he kept me there was for the Kira case, but was in truth to keep an eye on me. It was rather irritating.

Flipping through the keys, I found the one for the trunk, and paced towards it.

Mello's smart, he catches on quickly. The fact that he might be on the bike headed my way was undutiful.

The key was inserted, I twisted, heard the pop indicating that it was open, and got to work. It actually took awhile to find the gun, hidden under clothing and tech wires, all smothered in between the two large amps that sat there, that would usually blast my taste in music.

A small laugh stifled from my lips. It wasn't until the moment I patted a shirt and felt the guns exterior that I realized that because of the German blond, my whole way of living had changed. no longer could I blast my music, go out by myself to buy some smokes, etc.

He was always keeping an eye for me.

At times when I actually decided to sleep after a few nights in a row of playing video games, I would barely be asleep, and I could hear him cracking the door open to watch me, making sure my chest would rise and fall throughout the night, just in case I decided to OD on him.

Sleeping for me was rare, so whenever I made any indication that I was tired, or when my lights were off and no noise came from my room, he would check on me.

Kind of creepy, but that's Mell's for you. Pulling out the weapon, I pushed away from the car and stumbled back, looking to the sky.

The night sky, this mountain so high up, that the city lights didn't reach my location, since it was a few miles from me too. The stars were clear, though, unfortunately, no moon sat in the sky.

Slowly I walked towards the edge of the cliff and sat down. Maybe, just in case I miss a vital spot, I should stand near the edge to ensure my death, right?

If it was as simple as a bullet jolting into my head, and falling feet down, why was I scared.

Was I really going to back down now?

Closing my eyes, I recited poetry. Many people didn't really expect that I had an interest in literature, but I did.

"Goodbye,  
falling down,  
Into lawless darkness.

"Farewell,  
with this,  
it will all end."

Laughing at myself, I opened my eyes. If I live through this due to my cowardice, I would never mention what I did just now.

"Drop the gun."

And as expected.

I turned, looking to the person I didn't want to see.

"Well," I observed the person before me. "Why has Near decided to send a member of the SPK, Hal?"

She only grimaced lightly, pointing her gun to me.

"I bet you knew you were tracking me, and thought that I actually gave a fuck. So I brought this shiny gun to silence your existence, right?" I turned away, humming a nostalgic tune. One that, for some reason, brought emotional pain and trauma. I knew it was from my past during my childhood years, but I couldn't place my finger on it.

She cocked the safety.

A smile spread across my face. As long as I tease her, I'll piss her off like crazy. Then she'll most likely shoot me if I present my gun.

Best moment for a coward. Can't do it yourself? Wait for someone else to do it.

"Come on, Hal. Why did that albino pussy bring you? Because he was too scared to leave his cradle?" She was obviously wired, Near was surely listening.

I stood, gun in hand, and turned to her.

"Jeevas," She spat. "The gun, put it down." She eyed the ground around me.

I tilted my head, eyes narrowing. Pointing the barrel of my gun towards hers, I smiled. "Why should I? Wanna shoot me, shoot me."

She only glared, and reached for her coat pocket with one hand. Pulling it out, she pressed the speaker button, pulling out the earpiece from the socket.

**_"Hello, Matt."_**

I knew that voice. Mello's rival. "Well Near, it's been awhile." I stated smugly. I knew he had heard me, so there was no guilt or worry running under my skin.

It took him a while, as if he were gathering something to say, probably to just kiss his ass in the end, not literally, in the whole 'following orders' context.

**_"Mello has called me. Since Hal was near the Kira supporter, Takada, I decided to latch her onto you."_**

My breathe hitched.

**_"So as you can already tell, Hal will not shoot you under any taunts or threats, since that is clearly what you want."_**

I narrowed my eyes. The response I would get from this question was expected. I just didn't want to hear it, or think it without a true response. "Well then, why did she bring a gun."

A shot rang throughout the premises, and my heart skipped a beat.

I could register what was going on, only the pain registered that was coursing through my leg.

"AGH!" I yelled in pain, and fell to the ground. But before I even landed, Hal was by my side, pulling me towards her so that I couldn't fall off the edge of the cliff.

**_"The gun is only a pistol in disguise. In all actuality, it's loaded with sedatives. The content in each is enough to put a strong animal to rest, but not enough to kill a human being of your body physic."_** Near informed.

I only nodded as I gripped my thigh, tottering from side to side as I tried to fight back the pain. "Thanks. Nice to know." Asshole.

_"Mello will be there shortly. Until then, Hal will remain by your side…"_

A growl escaped my lips. Interfering like this, what a dick. The pain began drain, and my eyes started to feel dry that I had to blink enough to actually not see double. But by then, blinking became a great deal of labor, and my lids wanted to remain shut. But I fought against it, as if I could beat the drug.

_**"Matt, you, with your sense and process of thinking, must know what this means now, right?"**_

Of course I did.

Hal looked over me, searching into my eyes with deep concentration as I began to lean back onto her lap. I stared at her as my vision blurred. "Let it go, Matt. Stop fighting it. We're trying to help you.

Near, I know what your budding in means. This means that from now on, not only will I be monitored at home. But now, even while in the streets, Near, who now sits in New York, will be monitoring me when I'm trying to live in the outside world.

My eyes shut, and not too far from me, I could hear the dying roar of a motorcycles engine.

"Let me hold him, Hal." He ordered lightly.

My body felt heavy, like a bag of led. I couldn't move, and the drug was becoming harder to maintain, that even anyone's touches, I couldn't feel.

But for now, I could feel my body lift into the arms of another. My head fell back.

"What did you guys do to him?!"

"We shot him with a sedative," Hal responded. As in 'we', she meant Near and her. Even though he wasn't here, apparently she was giving him the credit for the idea.

A hand pulled my head up, resting there to hold it up.

**_"After you called, Mello, as I said, Hal was close. She followed him hear. He thought she was threatening him by forcing him to come to headquarters with a pointed gun. She found him with a gun in hand, the camera on her shirt collar provided me with visuals. From my observation, I think Matt was going to shoot himself, and ensure his death by falling off the edge. Though when Hal made it there soon after, he began taunting her, even pointing the gun towards her, hoping she'd fire."_**

The place went silent, and I thought I had finally been consumed into darkness, but Mello began talking soon after, thanking Hal. His tone seemed shocked as he breathed out his appreciation. I bet he didn't think I'd go as far to actually cause my death.

Apparently, I had been picked up, since Mello was talking about laying me in the back of my car. He told Hal to drive the bike while he drove my car home. Then he would return her here while she stayed in the house, monitoring me just in case, and connect the bike into a bolt hidden under my car. Then he'd bring her bike, and allow her to leave.

My car started, and I drifted off to sleep.

* * *

I felt uncomfortable, like shit, to be honest. I remembered the sedative, and audibly groaned.

"Morning, Matt."

I looked to Hal. So it had only been a few minutes since Mello went back for her bike?

"Don't try to move much. The drug is still coursing through your blood stream. Moving will undoubtfully make you sick. And since you have not eaten in awhile, that will do no good to your health."

I groaned again, and tried to change the subject. "Why are you still here? Where's Mello?"

"Mello went back for my bike. I am to remain here till he returns."

Turning onto my stomach, I pushed against the cushions, and forced myself to sit. I gagged, remembering what she said, and how she could be no less informant.

She stood from her seat, and came to help me, but I only waved her off.

"Where do you intend on going, Matt?" She asked, eyeing me suspiciously as I stood.

I wobbled slightly. "I need to use the restroom." I stated, as I head for the stairs. "The one in my bedroom." I spoke and sounded high or drunk, but I was fully aware.

"I'll follow you, as I should." She stated.

I nodded, knowing this already. Though I didn't mind.

We both walked up the stairs, Hal standing behind me in case I fell. My weight was no problem, since I was already thinner than her.

When we got to my room, she actually wanted to stand outside and watch while my door was open. But I refused to give her the liberty, and shut, then locked the door.

As if the heavens gave me the grace of luck and perfect timing, Mello shouted his return from downstairs.

"Okay!" Hal responded. I heard her shifting as she stood off my bed, and head out my door, her foot steps audible as she descended down the stairs.

Luckily I left the heroine in here, just in case. This would help me dominate and flush out the drugs.

Pulling out the items, I ran the sink, and got to work as quickly as I could while drugged. I tightened my belt around my arm, and played with my vain till it popped out.

Grabbing the needle, I yanked the cap off with my teeth, and held it over the liquid in the spoon. Sucking it up, I measured the amount with my eyes. Satisfied, I placed the needle into my arm, and pushed, sighing in relief when I noticed I didn't miss.

Pulling the needle out I placed it onto the counter, sitting still for a few seconds as I let it remain around my forearm.

I jumped, harsh knocking hitting against the door. I was pretty sure it was Mello, though the heroine was making me dizzy, so I could identify the voice.

"Wait! Wait!" I slurred loudly. "I'm taking a piss! Jus-… Just wait!!" Struggling I stood, though the knocking continued. I quickly gathered the items and placed them back in the wrapping of towels. Mello never checked the towels, being a gramophone and all. I bet he checked my room with gloves after the incident.

Turning off the sink, I placed my boot onto the knob, and flushed the toilet. I then pulled my long sleeve over my arm, and laced my belt back around my waist, locking it into place.

I struggled to grasp the situation and opened the door, meeting a very peeved blond. And, on accident, I began to chuckle. His blue eyes narrowed.

His hand grabbed my forearm, and he began to force me out, pulling me towards the bed. "Lay down, or sit, on the bed, Mail." He sounded concerned, and observant.

"Pshhh." I dragged out, doing as told. "What am I?" I hunched over, my eyes blinking slowly. "Ten?… Heh!"

He kneeled in front of me, grabbing hold of my chin to make me look to him. My eyes met his, but, even though I could register the situation, I couldn't help but keep laughing lightly, even though the situation wasn't funny at all.

"Mail?" His eyes observed my actions, everything about my expressions. "Are you drugged?"

I might have been drugged, but not simple minded. "Heh, Mell's, what are you talking about?" I slurred. "You, I mean… Uhhhh…" I slowly blinked a few time. "Yeah, Hal, shot seda- **A** sedative into me. So uhyeah, I drugged because of the Hal lady."

But he didn't seem to buy it. However, he slowly nodded past narrowed eyes. But I could tell he was catching on. He was in the mafia, at Whammy's where we studied tranquilizer drugs and what was to be expected from each.

"Mail," He looked to the ground. "I want you to," He looked to me. "Lay down on your bed. Can you do that for me?" He asked rather medically, as if he was my kind and friendly doctor. Not that I had one. Whammy's either gave you one, or you were your own self taught doctor.

I nodded greatly, and cracked a smile. "Sure, sure. Anything for me bestest friend in the…" I drifted off, a pain running through my head, like a migraine, as I felt my sockets roll up.

I felt someone, Mello, push me onto the bed. I could hear him struggling, as if to keep me down.

"Damn it, Mail! A seizure?"

My senseｓ began to drift. And against my will, I could feel my arm sleeve rise against my skin. I heard his stifled gasp. And before he asked or said anything, I was already going to a world of the unconscious.

* * *

**Author-  
****Wow, 7?! XD! That really made me happy.  
****You see, the happier I get, the more motivated I am to write. No motivation, and no happy me, means no writing.**

**Recently, me and my mums husband got into some huge fight, which isn't unusual. We hate each other with a passion. But it was over the computer. So, because this usually happens, I might not update as quickly, since I hardly get on because my brother is either using xbox live, or my mums husband is watching 18 year olds in porn (…. It disturbs me, yes, because I'm 18 too).**

**Well, you know how the threat goes. And thank you guys for reading, and reviewing. I'm really happy, I mean, REALLY, lol… But I'll still quit if you don't review XD.**

**I mean, it's not a running threat, I mean it. I don't want to continue a story that has no value or response, lmao, that's just a waste of my time.**


	5. REVIEWRESPONSE

**BEFORE YOU FLIP. PLEASE REALIZE THAT THERE ARE 2... 2!... UNO, DOS!... CHAPTER UPDATES. THESE ARE MY REPLIES TO YOUR REVIEWS. I SPEND NEARLY AN HOUR WRITING ALL OF THEM. SO IF YOU'D LIKE, READ THESE.  
ALSO, SOME PLOTS FROM THE LAST CHAPTER GET EXPLAINED IN HERE, SOMEWHERE...**

**THE NEXT, IF YOU YET UNDERSTAND, UPDATE IS THE ACTUAL CHAPTER... SO CHIIIIILLLL.**

Author: So I submitted chapter 4... Yesterday, I think, lol. Then, I had around 12, 17 reviews…. Then I wake up today, and find 35 frikin reviews! O:!!!! I was eating some ice cream, and nearly spit it back into the cup in shock. And I have new people reviewing! Plus, the 20 chapters alert thing has me nervous, and makes me feel like this is some bug responsibility now, lol.  
But, really, THANKS! I don't know how I'm going to be able to thank all of you. Hopefully the bipolar weather doesn't short circuit the computer and erase the chapter, that would BLOW big time.

So, I've decided to do this. I will add 2 pages, one will be a thanks to the reviewers, and the other page/chapter update will be the actual update.  
Then when I'm done with the story, you guys will forever be in HISTORYYYYYYY, lol.

So, on to reviews.

* * *

**Melica:** They seem to entertain many too, lol. Yeah, I remember seeing a Matt one… But I don't fancy Mello being the angst protagonist. It annoys me. Plus, Mello, insane? Would be too predictable and logical.  
I mean, honestly, an insane chocolate loving blond who would orgasm over L, his idol, to the point that he would throw a pussy fit and leave Whammy's? Mello would already have collected reasons, so the story would be short and boring. But Matt is mysterious in general, due to the fact that he had almost no story, and what not. And don't worry, I generally don't give a crap either, lmao, as to the effective threat. I mean, even if people aren't reviewing, they are obviously reading forth. So, if they don't prove that to me, then fuck it, I don't wanna work on the story anymore. Not that I don't love writing, but why feed the kids if they aren't being gracious, sort of deal. (gah I'm such an asshole). To be honest, the Hal appearing and the Near part was RANDOM as hell. I came up with that as soon as Matt said something about turning to see the person he didn't want to see. I was gonna put Mello, but he needed a bigger entrance, in a way. So I put in Hal (because I took the stories segment with Takada in Tokyo), and inserted Near cause he's a dick.  
And viola, Near is here.

**Yoru_K-Chan:** May I blame you for the weather here then? Lol, it's been bipolar storms. One woke me at around 5 am, GRAH. Then I had to wait till it died. But at least I turned the air conditioning on. I think I woke because of the heat (FUCK heat). Oh, yeah, mums feel superior for giving birth to a child.  
WOO HOO, big ass deal, every god damn women who gives a shit about children and goes against abortion has children, and 50% of those kids become successful because of their childhood life.  
If the child grows up happy, and gets what they want most of the time, then lecturing them and being strict with them guarantees effort. But when you treat them like shit, don't support their youthful happiness, then it is guaranteed that they'll be the other 50% full of fuck ups, like mwuah, lol.  
They seek respect, and following of orders, but they forget, most kids will kiss their asses, but later hate them, not support their parents when they're elders and can't wipe their own asses. Parents are stubborn fools who run at wills thinking you're their pet because they gave birth to you.  
You can pass that on to your mum, lmao.

And I was waiting for someone to ask this. The whole partaking of my life. Not only eager, but someone fearful. No, this story does not partake in my life in the least. I mean, all, or most, teens have done stupid things in their life, self mutilation, suicide, drugs. I will admit I have OD'd on my anti-depressants, but only to test out the sensation. I didn't think I would land it into the hospital (nightmares). I did take drugs, but only weed, nothing serious like crazy Matt. I have cut, and it sounds lame saying that, lmao.

But no, I do not intend to make this anything like me, or me talking. I'm not Stephanie Meyer, delusional bitch (I mean the Twilight author, not you, lol). Though talking in first person, to me, helps the readers understand, and it also helps them know what Matt's thinking, rather then quoting it all the time, which would be annoying. And also helps the mood and feel of situations.  
Thanks for reading too : ).

**Elisabetta_Avalone:** Thank you, I like that it's interesting (I think, my minds fuzzy at the moment thanks to the loud weather). Are you going to find out? Of course, lol, so don't worry. It would kill the story if the readers didn't find out.  
Yeah, I feel bad for Mello too. But then again, if we were in Matt's position, wouldn't we want someone like Mello to take care of us? Lol. I normally find it annoying, so I give kudos to Matt for being so tolerant. But honestly, there aren't much people like Mello (in this story) who would go to such lengths to keep a friend alive. And plus, in real life, it's mostly your annoying cousin, brother or sister, mother or father, ugly guy friend, annoying boy, annoying girl, who takes care of you, and it makes you feel like you wanna barf inside because of all the attention. But if I were Mello or Matt in this position, I wouldn't mind Matt or Mello helping me because of their personalities and brains, lol.

Thank you, and thanks for reviewing : )

**IndifferenceToSociety:** Now where would the fun in that be? Not only would it leave TONS unanswered, but would bring a riot of readers to my house with flamed pocky while holding tattered mangas to throw at me, lol. But yeah, killing him now? Nooo, bad thing for writer and reader. Write forth and keep the readers guessing, good thing, good thing.

**Taio_Ryder:** It's all good, you reviewed now XD, so that's ok. Well, Matt, to me, seems like the laid back kid. You can tell by his fashion, the nicotine that he smokes which normally calms and puts people into relaxed, almost sleepy states, and he plays video games, along with the fact that he's smart and a tech genius. From personal experience, I know the laid back kids, because Matt's personality portrayed in the Manga and Anime are very similar to my actions and knowledge, along with some of my friends. He's the laid back careless geek who lacks care for society and judgment and enjoys himself locked up playing video game and hacking computers while smoking a cigarette. And that's how I came up with his personality in here, from the traits I saw and caught. Though, I have to be careful sometimes, because it's in first person, and I'm not as laid back and calm as Matt, so I have to keep it like Matt, because this story is of Matt, not me, lol.

**ZomgKelley:** I never get tired of typing your username XD, and every time I do, I hear Bruno's voice XD, so it actually brings a smile to my face, rather then mentally. Yeah, but I liked it… It was rather disturbing though. But it hit all the things I support; Gay marriage, abortion, anti-religious movements, making fun of famous fashion industries, the limitation of rights to film or print things on TV and the internet, etc. But yeah, I love Gays too, maybe a bit too much.  
But of course XD, he didn't head for the drugs just cause he wanted them though. It's kind of a chemical, medical theory, in which one chemical stabilizes another that is running through the blood stream, or over rides it and removes any ill feelings towards the forced medicine, by over riding it with something that makes you feel good and kills any ill feelings like headache or nausea, or even an annoying situation to get high about and forget or not give a damn.

**Miss_Hal_Gibson:** XD, you mean, "Oh noes!! Another frikin cliffy!" lol XD, all 4 chapters have had them XD. But thanks for the review.

**Kyoko_Keehl:** Kudos for the avatar, dunno about the user name XD. Thank you. I know, it is quite intense, very surreal in my opinion. But, it's rare to be in Matt and Mello's position, with the Kira case and all. Well, it all depends on the reader supports. So, if you cry, make sure to take the readers down too, lol. I just write, and ask for a simple return. Plus, reviews help me a lot. Well, that being said, thank you for the review.

**Shipet100:** *Takes deep breathes with you* YOU KNOW *gasp* THAT IF *gasp* YOU DO THIS *gasp* YOU'LL KILL BARIN CELLS *gasp gasp* AND THEIR IMPORTANT! *gasp gasp gasp* Lol, thank you ^^, it was interesting writing it. Well, I think Matt was trying to jump off, as to why Hal shot him with the sedative, or was attempting. And thanks to her, he didn't, lol.  
LMAO, thank you much! XD I didn't really want to block sites because he would bitch. But you know what, now that I know shipet100 will doom worse than Kira, I feel like I should, lmao. Thanks for the review! And I'll probably record him flipping out just for you, and place it on youtube. And thanks for calling him "Mum's husband" rather then Step… Step-… Step… Ugh I can't say it. It makes me feel gross inside.

**AngelWalker:** lol, nice reaction XD. And everyone will find out sooner or later, so just keep calm X). Thanks for the review.

**Jack_of_Hearts:** YAY! SUSPENSEFUL! That makes me feel like an author now, lol. Thanks for the review, it makes me feel good about writing this. Lol, you're not the only one. Apparently, all of my reviewers feel sorry for Mello XD. OH! I see, a relater, hm, that's a first O_o, well. Although I doubt it will follow most of what you went through, I'll just tell you it's going to be far more dramatic and surreal. Most would send others to help, and think right, but apparently, Mello doesn't want to.

**Mia-Gabriella:** You know, for some reason I felt that you lived in another country. I didn't wanna check out your profile cause I thought that would be creepy just to check with my instincts, but I was right anyways! Yay XD. Well, England is cool, and better, so kudos for living there. I used to have an English accent when I was learning English thanks to growing up watching English shows, lmao.  
Thanks for the review, and I'll try XD.

**Sallallie:** Thank you, and thank you for the review!

**RipJawWolfFang:** Hey, don't tackle me XD, my temper would pwn you. HEY YOU JUST KILLED MY MOTIVATION! YOU JUST MADE ME HEAD BOW XD!!! I'll try to finish the story. It depends on my life schedule too. GAH! Mean you XD. But thanks for the review XD.

**YagamiNeko:** lol at your username, YagamiCat, lol XD, kinda cute. And

(\ _ /)  
(O.o ) I coppied the bunny… Cheyah *winner*.

Thanks, and thanks for the review. Well, Near was a RANDOM addition to be honest. Lmao, I mean.. WAY random….

**K-Danuve:** lmao, I love your comment for some reason. I smiled through it all. Well, the seizure… It's not common. So readers will find out later. Well, yeah, that's the purpose XD, to seem ironic, and present Matt's FAIL, lol XD.

Thanks for the review ^^.

**Anyways, onto explaining how the hell Near came in along with Hal:  
**I came up with that as soon as Matt said something about turning to see the person he didn't want to see. I was gonna put Mello, but he needed a bigger entrance, in a way. So I put in Hal (because I took the stories segment with Takada in Tokyo), and inserted Near cause he's a dick.  
And viola, Near is here.

And there you have it.

Anyways, click the link to the **next page** for your gift…. (stabs fingers) wow I wrote too much XD.  
I'm worried about the hits though, the numbers are dwindling greatly.  
Chapter 1 received 234 hits, and grows.  
Chaper 2 received 138.  
Chapter 3 received 88...  
And Chapter 4 got 55.……….  
And I doing something wrong? **If so, please tell me.**


	6. CHAPTER 5 Memories

**Author: Lol, to start, I wasn't waiting for more reviews, I'm not THAT selfish, I received plenty.**

**I've just been busy during the past few days and I've had guess over. I never write something when people are looking over my shoulder. Hopefully I don't write all sloppy, since I woke up a few minutes ago, and still feel somewhat "bleh".**

**I've had quite a struggle getting my avatar up XD! But now it works! Mwaha, conquered. Anyways, on with the story before I forget what I'm doing.**

* * *

I stirred slowly, confused as to what was going on. But as soon as I decided to sit up, I hunched over my bed and faced a garbage can that was brought up to my face, and threw up the contents that coursed through my blood stream.

The smell was rancid, though, because it was mostly acid, due to the fact that I have not eaten.

"Matt," I heard him, as he circled over my back, trying to comfort me. But the moment he spoke, I rolled my eyes, feeling bothered, frustrated. I didn't want anyone around me. Right now, I just wanted to lay down, relax, and be alone.

No, I wasn't intending to harm myself at the moment. For some reason, I felt exhausted. I just wanted to be alone, and rest. No games, no smokes, no razor, no drugs, just rest.

Though, I know the reason why I felt like this now was because I was tired. However, when the drugs fully left my system, I knew I would change.

"Matt," He called again.

I sat up a little, clutching my stomach. "What?" My voice was hoarse. And swallowing the saliva that ran up my throat was gross, and tasted foul. The smell went through my nostrils too; by now I was eating and smelling the crap.

He removed his hand from my back, allowing me to sit up. "Matt, are you feeling better?"

I scoffed a laugh. Better? "Yeah, sure. Compared to being high off drugs, this feels _**much**_ better." I snapped, purposefully implying sarcasm.

From the corner of my slits, I could see him turn away from me, and shake his head. Standing up with a loud exhale, he turned to me, standing before me, as if ready to harm me.

"What?" I asked, not wanting anyone to take part of my life at the moment. "If you're pissed and wanna hit me, go ahead, I'm pretty sure I won't feel shit." I laughed lightly.

He only stood there though, tense with the will to hold back his anger. But then, he eased. His shoulders hunched, his arms loosened, his stiffness fell, and his facial expression changed greatly. He seemed pained, sad. Again, as I once said, I don't like when I see Mello this way.

Even when he heard about L's death, he wasn't sad. He didn't express it. Instead, he was fully pissed. He only presented anger. So, basically, what I'm trying to say, is that when Mello gets like this, show a rare presentation of himself, then it's serious. And I do **not** want to be the cause of that pain, or that off character self.

"Why do you do this, Matt?" He asked, his voice softer than anything I've ever heard. So different, my brain froze, and I had to ask myself if this voice really belonged to him. His face lifted, and he looked to me, his blue eyes dim, shaking. "Why are you doing this, when so many people have shown you that they care, that they want to help?"

I only stared in return. The answer, would it have to wait? I couldn't tell him now. However, his whole 'people helping' segment pissed me off. I didn't want anyone's help.

And, to see him like this, is why I wanted to cut myself off from existence sooner. I didn't answer him.

And, yet, he remained still, waiting for my answer.

"Why do give a fuck?" I suddenly spat, before I made sense of what was coming out of my mouth. "Mello, you've never given a damn over people, just victory. What am I? Your trophy? Is that why you involved Near? Because you got so fed up and bored, that you needed a challenge involved to see who could keep my alive for a longer period of time?" My eyes narrowed, my green eyes seemed dim, fiery, angry, as I stood before the blond with wide frightened eyes. "I'm not your toy, Mello. So please, leave me alone. I don't want to be part of your games." I paced myself towards the door, and ran into his shoulder, hard.

He hissed and clutched his, holding it tightly with a grip. Although it was a slight bump, I think that my bones were rather effective. So being thin isn't all that bad.

I looked over my shoulder, eyes still narrowed. "I'm not sorry." Turning away, I head out my room, and faced the stairs. Surprisingly, he didn't follow. Though, I heard his voice.

Although it was quite, and weak, I still heard it. "Is that what you think this is about?… Matt?" I thought I heard him crying.

Instead of replying, I just walked down the stairs. I turned the corner and faced the main entrance, standing there, as I looked to the outside world passed the side door windows, my car parked in front. I smirked lightly. Although he drove quickly, probably in a fit of panic, he managed to keep the car safe. Though I could only see the exterior facing me, so I wasn't sure about the other side.

I heard slow steps walk down the stairs, followed by Mello's broken tone. "I have the keys…" He simply stated.

The only response I gave him was the nod of my head. I didn't care to talk to him right now.

"So what are you going to do?" He asked、leaning against the wall, looking to me.

I couldn't find a reasonable response. I had no plans. I mean, I could hotwire the car, or run as much as I can. But I felt exhausted, drained. This was a different pain, a different inner angst. It was the feeling of doubt, defeat, and the extraordinary feeling of being lost within my self.

Thinking became impossible, caring became sickening, and Mello seemed like a disgusting existence that had to be erased.

His concern, sincere. How he actually accepted me, is odd, and beyond comprehension.

This is different from another friend I had. I don't remember, or care to mention his name. When we met, I stayed at his place for the first time. We were friends at Whammy's, though he came in rather late. He was 15, while I was 17, and ready to leave. Apparently, he left as soon as I did, due to some job offer. He could afford his own place.  
The stay became comforting. I know he noticed the scar across my right wrist I managed, but he stayed silent, and I liked that. However, as our relationship became stronger, he began to present some bothersome emotions and feelings for me. While we were speeding on bikes, I purposefully steered so that he head the other direction. As planned, he couldn't stay straight, and the bike spun to the ground. His head got run over by a semi wheel as he collided with the road.

But I'll never tell Mello this. It was seen as accidental, not intentional. I just needed to get that annoying tick of my neck. And I only hope that Mello won't become one too.

"Matt, I want to talk, about…"

A large sigh escaped my lips. "Mell's-"

"No!" He interrupted, his menacing expression. "**Now**." He demanded.

My head turned to him, eyes narrowed as I stared at him, studying his willingness, stubbornness. Looking into those blue eyes, shaking with pure malice, I gave in, exhaling loudly. "What do you wanna know…?" I gave in. A movement surprising to even me, because unlike many times before, I didn't want to hide it because I felt shameful or embarrassed.

Kids wear wristbands because they want to hide things. Those who are truly pained don't express their inner turmoil, and don't harm themselves to show it to others. Those who are really hurt inside hide everything in a shell, because they are so broken, that if someone found out, or heard, or _**saw**_, then they would fear facing the person, because of their depleting inner ego, fading ever more, due to the acknowledgement of someone, and that feeling of uselessness, and being thought of as a psycho. 

Those who cry for the attention, are selfish. In my case, I'm the one that loved to keep it in a shell, rather then let the world see and know. So when I figured someone could see my scars, I freaked, and shifted my arms to remove them from view. Isn't it confusing?

So talking about it something that is nearly impossible for people who have went this deep into self hatred and loss.

For some odd reason, and I decided to just go with the fact that he's a genius, Mello seemed shocked. He understand my embarrassment. Even now, as I faced him, as my ease began to fade, I could feel myself choking, drowning, a warm sensation in my throat, as if my voice would just run into some invisible wall in my neck.

He blinked a few times, looking to the ground, trying to find something to say.

But I began to blame the drugs, that they were toying with my actions, and I was beginning to back down.

"Why'd you start? When?" He quickly asked, as if noting my fading wit.

I stood still, my body still facing the window, head turned to him. My expression was rock solid, blank, bored. As I registered the question, and began to puzzle the answer, a pang of pain whirled in my gut. But instead I threw my head back, looked towards the ceiling, and laughed quietly.

Mello took a step near me, as if to grab me if I decided to back down. "_Mail…_" He pressed.

Moving my eyes to my slits, I looked to may from the corner of my eye, smile still on my face. "So you plan to ask the whole reason rather than the modern situation?" I asked, feeling exhausted from the request, and worried that I might collapse from the anxiety of remembering.  
He only returned my stare, waiting. He didn't have to answer, because he knew I knew the purpose of his request.

Sighing I slung my head back down, my chin ducked into my neck. My eyes close wearily as I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck. The tick, I could feel it there, biting at my skin, sucking my water like blood. And I wanted to kill it, destroy it from existence.

My breathe hitched…

No…

Not to Mello, never. Not to him.

My eyes opened, pupils going up as I looked forward. My expression felt dark, a rather rare expression. There was anger, and turning a blind eye. But the dark expression I rarely let loose was only around when I felt the **urge** to do something rather cruel.

Not only to myself…

But to all around me…

My eyes darted to Mello, but I immediately shut them. I began to compose my breathing, to engulf myself into my own world of Zen, that I didn't feel Mello's hand on my shoulder until he called my name.

"What?" I stood up, looking to him, startled for some reason.

No, I am not schizophrenic. Just, well, obviously, mentally ill.

"Oh," I nodded. "Right, um…" I paused, looking around my surroundings. I spotted the couch, and pointed towards it. "Let's sit down… It'll be a somewhat long story."

Mello's brow furrowed in doubt. He knew I wasn't up for talking, or for story times. So he, probably, already caught that the reason I wanted to sit was because I felt like my knees would buckle, or the spin in my head that was threatening me.

Regardless, he kept his silence, and we made our way to the couch. For some reason, I took it slow, and he decided to also, standing near me, just in case my body decided to collapse due to really poor nutrition.

After I settled into my seat, he followed, watching me, waiting.

I leaned over, elbows on my thighs, hands clasped together in between my knees. "I was adopted…"

Mello's eyes flicked lightly. He knew just as well as I did how odd that was. Whammy's was a private system. It plucked out prodigies from other orphanages that held us before, and from there, taught us to be elite detectives, or involved in forensics and what not. Whoever was the smartest, who ever won, got plucked out, called in by the head of Whammy's himself, and lead cases with us.

Those who didn't make the top 5 were thrown into the real world. Yet, they were smart enough to lead their own lives, as they still do.

Adoption however was something rare. Whammy's only allowed it when the person who was adopting was approved by Watari, or worked for some law enforcement branch in where they could involve the child, to further learn.

"You know the drill, the whole adoption trade acceptance thing." I muttered, he only nodded. "The people who adopted me owned a large branch from the law enforcement. However, they lied about their lives…" He paused, easing myself, tensing my muscles as I felt myself shake. "I remember their nasty faces," I hissed past gritted teeth. "They came into the office, where I was being signed out and set off into the world. They were smiling, laughing. They only presented affection and compassion. They hugged me, touched me gently, ruffled my hair, called me kind words." I laughed lightly. "They even decided to keep my real name, first and last, along with my nickname…" A rare trade.

"When I got home, they followed me through, showing off the rooms, the hou-… My _new _home… After the **grand** tour, the showed me my room." I sat up as my hands began to map the trail up, towards the top floor of the house, in thin air. "It was on the last floor up. I asked them," I shrugged. " 'why is my room all the way up here?'… And they just looked to each other," I paused my body slouching again as my smirk stiffened, and I grit my teeth again, my hands I fists. "They looked to each other, and changed completely… They told me, 'this is your new cage Matt, and from now on, you will only live **here**.' Of course, I asked them why…"

* * *

"Mum?… Dad?" I looked up to them from my shoulder as I faced my new bedroom. It was nice, full of toys, trinkets. But none that interested me. I was more into consoles, hand held video games, computers, etc.

They stood still, towering over me, looking to me as if I'm a bug on the ground. Turning slowly to each other, as if baffled, they smiled. It was a smile that sent shivers down my spine, literally.

Slowly they began to laugh, but soon, it erupted into a boom of chuckles, blessed with humor, one that I couldn't see.

"My, Richard, I though this **kid** was supposed to be some sort of prodigy?" Mother laughed, looking to me as if I were the stupidest creature she had ever stumbled upon.

Father shrugged, and pulled out a folded piece of paper from his dress coat chest pocket. It was a copy of my adoptive papers. Quickly he unfolded the sheets with haste, swapping them against the air as he managed to flatten them, shoving it between the to, showing it to Mum.

"Unfortunately, Margaret, it seemed that he was the only remaining prodigy, ranked at 4. Apparently, L is one, N is two, M is three, and Matt, well, he's the useless number 4." He shrugged, brows raising as he folded the paper again.

Mother scoffed, whipping her head the other way in disgust.

"Sorry, dear." Father apologized. "Just be glad that we didn't get number five." He neared her, rubbing her arms with his hands. "He must have been the idiot of idiots. A true non usable asset."

"Mother, Father…" I interrupted.

They quickly looked to me, as if I wasn't allowed to speak.

"Why am I being put into a **cage**… And why are you speaking of me in that manner?" My voice cracked. I wasn't a child, and only a starting teen. But still, I wasn't used to this type of scorn; being surrounded with love and kindness at Whammy's all the time. This was like a punch to the gut, hard, enough to make you want to cry.

"Silly boy," Mother hunched over, her face before me. Her brows danced as she fixed the collar of my shirt. "You're our tool, our profit. With your smarts, you'll gain us a lot of money, and we'll be richer than we are now… Understand now? Supposed genius?"

Father only nodded behind her, hands stuffed in his gray business suit slacker pockets.

I shook my head fiercely. "No… No! I won't!"

"Unfortunately, you have to," Mother cooed, holding out her hand towards father. He jumped when he realized what she wanted, and quickly dug into his pocket, handing her the papers. "You see," She looked to them, her tone turning into a kind mother, a tone used for fairytales, or reading novels. "_These_ are the documents that clearly state me own you, as parents of course. You must do as we say, or instead of Whammy's, you'll go to some dump orphanage that will only drop you into the streets once you're an official adult."

Father only nodded.

"Now, be a good boy," Her smile turned into a cringe of anger, and hate. She clutched by collar, and pulled me towards her. "And follow Mummy and Daddy's orders." With that, she pushed me, forcing Father to push me in roughly with a kick to the abdomen.

* * *

"Those were the first few hours I lived with them." I whispered. Mello didn't speak, watching me as I went into my own trance. "It began to get worse… They thought I was joking… But eventually I slacked off, just like I told them I would." Because for the past 7 months, I had been locked up there with hardly any food, hygiene, or care.

I was like a rag doll in the attic. You only went into the attic to clean the dirt from the ground, to wipe around. But you leave the doll there, lying on it's own, with no contact, or concern. You just walk by it, as if it wasn't there.

"Slowly, day by day, they began to remove the things in my room… As 'punishment'… They removed my toys, my computers, my hand games, video games. I didn't mind… But then they took away my clothing, my bed, the rugs, the heater, ripped the wallpapers, everything," I wafted with my hand. "Everything…" I sat still, thinking. "I mean, I remember being left with the clothes on my back, and that's it…"

* * *

I stared out the window, hugging myself, watching as the snow fell. My teeth clattered, my body trembled.

"M-M-Me…" I looked out, towards London's city, facing the direction I believed Whammy's sat. "Me-e-e-r-r-ry… Ch-Chris-Christma-a-as…" I told them, trying to force a smile onto my tense face. I achieved it, but it looked rather toothy, and odd, since my cheeks puffed as I smiled as big as I could, hoping my warmth could reach them.

Usually during winter, at Whammy's, Watari came to visit, holding L, the laptop, in his arm.

We would all drink hot chocolate, eat smores, sing, play games, sit by the chimney fire.

This holiday was the only one where we were allowed to act like children, so we took it to our advantage.

Then L would come out, and watch us through his webcam, tell us Christmas stories, and answer our weird questions.

We would raise our cups and give cheers, even L and Watari joined in, yelling out the word loudly, as he all brought the cups of warm chocolate to our mouths and drank down.

I shook further, wondering if they were having some now? But was it the same? Mello, at 15, left, Near too. L was dead, along with Watari… Were they still having fun? Did they even know? I wondered through sleepless nights if the other orphans would ask about their whereabouts. The first Christmas without Watari, or L…

I noticed my smile was gone. But that didn't matter, I was too cold, freezing.

I decided that it would be best if I got away from the window, or in front of it. The wind would blow from the edges.

So instead I sat beside it, against the wall, huddled up, hugging myself as I blew into my hands, trying to receive warmth.

Without the heater, death was always near in this room.

* * *

"They didn't only take my freedom," I whispered, my legs shaking. "They also took…."

* * *

"**NO**!" I yelled; I fought back. "**NO**! _**STOP**_!" I cried. "**LET ME GO! DON'T! PLEASE**!" I screamed, begged. "_**PLEASE**_!" I sobbed. I choked. "_Please_, don't, I _beg _of you." I cried.

But regardless…..

* * *

**Author: Oh, worse cliffy I've ever made, lmao, in a cruel sense.**

**I'm guessing most of you are already on track. But there's more to that. Also, this little bit is no reason at all. This is like the water in the flour, you need the other ingredients to bake and get the resolve.**

**Also, shocking news and angst for me… I removed my lip ring… D:…. Actually… *stabs it back in* (I literally paced to the bathroom to get it back in.. and wow it hurt, I thought my head was going to explode)… I'm gonna see how it looked with my new hair cut, lol XD**

**THANKS for reading.**

**As you know, REVIEWS make MY MOTIVATION go ROUND. So without REVIEWS I tend to get LAZY, and STOP.**

**I will leave it at this, no joke. No, I'm being serious. Lol, why write for no one? Waste of my life :(...**


	7. Chapter 6 rated M

Author: Sorry I took long. The thing is, I have these pretty dramatic situations with a former friend. I hate her enough at the moment I don't want to consider her the best friend she used to be.  
She' trying to limit opinions in order to fix a situations. And quite frankly, she's mad that she's not getting things fixed, which is obvious, because you can't force people to like you.  
I've hung up on her more then ever recently, because she can't get her shit straight. So writing what I'm about to write, didn't seem right. Because not only is it messed up, but this is Matt's story, not mine. I don't want to mix my emotions with him, so that's why I took awhile.

**IndifferenceToSociety:** Yeah, I know quite a few like that too. It bothers me to no end. Thanks for the review!

**Miss_Hal_Gibson:** Thank you, that means a lot to me. And thank you for reviewing.

**ElizabettaAvalone:** I have a weird style of writing, to be honest. When it comes to noises, surroundings, anything, get OCD. Even the internet windows behind my works document messes with my ADD. So when I see reviews replies on the same page, it distracts me too in a weird way X), that's why I put the others on another page. Thank you for the compliment, and thank you for reviewing.

**ZomgKelley:** Carrots? Lol. Well, next time, if you'd like, lmao, turn off the noise or listen to fitting music I guess X). Thanks for the review : ).

**AngelWalker:** Thank you, and thank you for the review ^^.

**Kyoko_Keehl:** Wait wait wait, don't off yourself XD. But due to some issues, I needed to hold back, so sorry ^^;. Thanks for the many compliments, for reading, and reviewing.

**Josephine_Falnor:** I LOVEEEE YOUR AVATAR!!!!!! Thank you so much for all the compliments, for reading, and reviewing.

**RipJawWolfFang:** I knew I would have one of you guys around XD, who hate flashbacks, as much as I do, lol. But I decided to go against my hate, and put it in here to make it seem more real and what not. Thanks for the compliments, for reviewing, and reading ^^.

**Mia-Gabriella:** Lol, so far, I'm liking that everyone hates the foster parents. Well, you'll have to wait and see, thanks for reading, reviewing, and I'm glad you like the story ^^

**Misha2011:** *glomps* This one made me smile of all (no offense other reviewers, you all made me smile too). Wow, you really made me happy for some reason XD, and thanks thanks thanks. Also, thank you for reading, reviewing, and the kind compliments : )

Anyways, everyone, thanks for the reviews, they really warmed my heart and motivated/made me feel better (I'm even smiling right now, lol).

* * *

But, regardless, he grabbed me.

I squirmed, I fought, I tried to kick, punch, force him off, but he wouldn't.

He was drunk…

I could tell by his smell, his grin, the drool.

He pinned me to the ground, punched me to hold the minutes back just to get farther into the situation.

Next thing I remember was the pull of my loose pants circle around my ankles, tightly as he bound them with his hands, tying the jeans legs into a knot.

I also felt cold, a chill run along my lower body, as my boxers were removed.

How awful, how frightening, I thought as I cried.

Hands, freezing to the touch as they smoothed down my spine, grabbing hold of my lower regions as he continuously ran them over my small, thin body.

I screamed, at the top of my lungs, but no one came, it didn't matter to anyone… I didn't matter to anyone.

My mouth was in an open gap, my breath hitched, my voice was lost, as I felt his large fingers enter me. The pain, it burned. He pulled and thrust, followed a slow then fast rhythm, hitting that certain spot that made me moan. But I hated it. I didn't want to enjoy the feeling, because I wanted to die more then anything.

I opened my eyes, vision blurry, the tears collecting, flooding my eyes. "Father…" I sobbed, weakly, pleading.

"It's all your fault!" He snapped, voice in a whisper. "The reason why we're going to have no money in our pockets is because of you! And your lack of genius! Why couldn't we have those kids? Huh?! L, Near, Mello! Why the hell did we get stuck with you?!" He yelled, pulling out.

Pinning me down with his weight, his calves pressing against my sides, holding me down, he stood on his knees, unbuckling his belt, undoing the buttons and zippers, pulling down his pants, his boxers.

He was rather old, his physique rather large. His… Man area…

Laying over me, he began to seduce me with kisses, bites, his filthy hands running down my chest.

"This will hurt you. And you will cry." He whispered in my ear.

I felt lost, as if I was going through an outer body experience. My body was shaking, my breathing was shaky, eyes wide.

Crying more then I could ever remember, I watched him sit up again, backing away. He grabbed my knees, and flexed them open quickly. The stretch of my muscles made me yelp, and he slapped me.

"I want you to feel this, to cry. You deserve this, all of it, except for the pleasure." Laughing, he grabbed himself, positioned, and aimed.

Looking down I gasped, watching as he thrust into me.

My head threw itself back, eyes so wide, I felt as if my sockets would roll out. My scream was a mere whisper, a force of breathe… The pain coursed within me, the chill of pain running up my spine.

I yelled for my foster mother, for anyone. Yelled for him to stop.

The thought, when he wouldn't, that it began to feel pleasurable, made me sick, made me want to kill myself right there and then…

* * *

"He… Finally stopped after awhile…" I whispered into my clasped hands. "When he was finished, he pulled away, clothed himself, and left me there…" I didn't want to describe any further, the scene. I left out the fact that I began to bleed greatly. That I lay their, in the same position, with no clothing, just as he left me, for a few days.　

I starved myself, waiting for my end to come. Yet something stirred me greatly. I remembered what my foster parents had told me, about me being third to first in the scale that l provided for future prodigies.

Somehow, I felt responsible…

There was no way that I would tell Mello about my escape. I had climbed out the window after I fully dressed in my tattered, dirty clothes. I knew as soon as my foot was set on the roof, that I had a scarce chance of living. But I had to try…

* * *

My bare feet burned over the ice covered tiles, that jumping into the chimney that stuck out from the other side of the tilted roof seemed pleasant.

I lay on my belly, staring at the snow, heaving from the cold, and from fear.

This was it, I decided. I would slide down on my stomach, grab the edge of the roof, and hopefully land my wobbly feet onto a pipe where I could continue my way into the lower grounds of the house, or my escape.

Sliding down quickly, my fingers pressed into the snow, my nails chipping off, blood streaming out, leaving a trail into the snow. I watched the sky as I neared the edge, trying to calm myself into concentration.

I felt my feet part and float in the air. My body arched, prepared, my hand muscles tightening.

Before I knew it, I was over the edge, falling, my hands reaching towards my only grip to safety.

My arms wafted, waved.

"No…!" I whispered.

I had lost my chance, and fell.

The cold wind smacked against my back, the chill slicing into my skin.

My back lay flat against the wind, arms and legs upwards as I continued to fall. All felt slow, as in slow motion. If one was staring, I would seem like a sack of bones darting down towards the ground from the fourth story window. But in my eyes, my feeling, I felt as if there was no time, no seconds. Just, nothing.

I was floating, towards the ground, like a feather. Though, I knew, that the impact was not going to be soft and delicate.

My eyes widened as soon as I saw the first story grand windows belonging to the ball room. This meant I was about to be nothing but a puddle of my own organs and… Such.

I released my voice, allowing a loud yelp, but was cut off by the feeling of warmth.

This feeling tumbled to the ground with me, and I lay over it.

I heard it sigh, in relief, the sigh of a female. And I was scared that it was either a house servant or my very own foster mother.

But when I sat up quickly, hissing from the ache in my bones and muscles, I looked down to a stranger. I had never seen the faces of those who worked for my foster parents. But they were to always wear their uniforms, and aged over 35.

They believed that their uniforms were the best and most formal, elegant, of London. So they, having a large sum of money from law enforcement and teaching branches, would waste the money on either themselves, or their servants. Their servants would wear gown like uniforms, that resembled a rich persons cocktail party dress.

Long, framing the ground; each had their own color, depending on the persons body frame, height, and hair/skin/eye color.

Age was always important. It signified knowledge and elegance, along with profession. If she was under 35, and perhaps blond, she was seen as a ditz, ignorant, and clumsy.

When I was told this by a fellow worker who seemed to be having a bad mood, she laughed it off, her hand following against her thin arm, and she said:

'_**It's like they are having a modeling casting call… And the strictness of knowledge to the job, is perhaps an elitist development gained from working with the law, seeing as how we are treated and gathered like lawyers or something.'**_

But this person, she wore simple clothing. Not to a job, but just, simple dressy clothing. Her face seemed to young, so I decided she was not in a profession yet.

She lay still, groaning under my weight from perhaps my impact, and her back to the ground. Her face was cringed in slight joint pain, but more over, seemed as if exhausted in a comical sense.

"Hey, Kid, what we're you doing? Where the hell did you fall from?" She asked, shoving my off her stomach, sitting up.

I backed away, crawling to a stop, staring at her. Brown, black hair. Blue green eyes. Face of a young 14 year old if it wasn't for the slight eyeliner make-up. She would be perfect for the job, if she were 35. Though, I had no right to judge her intelligence, since I didn't know anything about her.

She stood slowly, staring down at her black simple trench coat jacket, brushing off the snow, while holding a few enclosed documents against her chest, locked in hold by her forearm.

I scanned her, trying to predict what type of person she was by what she wore. Brown knee high boots, with sharp heels. A black forming skirt that cut off at the knees. A black V-neck shirt that fit tightly against her thin torso, over coated by a black dress females suit top, all layered over by her coat.

"Why are you wearing a skirt?" I asked, looking at her face, as if I was a child.

She stopped brushing herself off, looking to me, as if caught off. "Should you really be the one asking questions?"

"And should you?" I retorted, trying to figure her age.

She stood still, looking to me in suspicion. "How old are you?"

I looked around, as if searching, perhaps unconsciously checking if anyone from the house was around. "16..."

Her brows rose, she seemed shocked. "You don't say. You seem around 11. I'm 18, so…" He continued to brush, cutting her sentence off.

"Why are you here? Near my… home?" It was hard to choke up the word. This home was more like my prison.

She looked down to me again, eyeing the fact that I sat on the snow. "It depends kid. Should I tell you? Or end you?" She bluntly asked. "Unless you're the foster child that I heard about."

I nodded quickly, deciding that by 'ending me', she meant that she was not hear to simply deliver some harmless documents.

She looked me over, staring at me silently, then handed me a gun, a small pistol. "Take it." She demanded, nodding towards the black weapon.

Unsure, I slowly reached towards it, and grasped the cold exterior. I stared at her the whole time, unsure of what was going on. "Why do I need this?" I asked.

A smirk played on her lips. "Well, if you hate these people so much, then why not punish them?"

I jolted up quickly, sitting with my cupped hands in my lap, holding the gun. "No," I shook my head slowly. "I'll get caught! I'll get in trouble! I can't… I can't do this! Are you crazy?!"

But she shook her head. "I was ordered to kill all witnesses. You're one. So do as I say, or die…" The threat was simple, true, I felt it. "I want you to go through the front door. Once the maids open, shoot them down, all of them, until you reach the main targets. Understand?"

I only nodded.

"Place this silencer onto the barrel of the gun. It will silence the deaths of your victims. And here are some rounds, in case you miss, that is, if you decide to shoot long range. Once you're done, meet me back here, and I will take you elsewhere. Understand?"

Slowly I moved towards her, glancing at her one last time before I decided to dash towards me supposed home. All was done as I was told.

I paced through the house, holding back the urge to scream, to puke, to cry, as I killed people I had never seen before, and some who had, at once, taken care of me.

But when I reached the door to my foster parents room, as they were making love, I didn't hesitate. I just neared them as they jumped from each other in surprise, and smirked, laughing lightly, and shot both of them as I ran towards them, right into their disgusting faces.

After all was done, I ran out, leaving my belongings in my cell up in the attic, to make it seem as if I was beat and kidnapped, with all the blood still everywhere.

This girl was the one who raised me amongst others. Here I was taught how to hack, shoot, and drive. Which would soon make me the person I grew to be, aside from being suicidal and all.

* * *

"Matt?…"

My body began to move.

"Matt…"

I turned towards Mello, who shook me harshly.

"Snap out of it, you were dozing off…" He looked over my expression as I returned my tired gaze. "You were remembering something right?" He asked. "And you won't tell me…" Always sharp. "Why? You should tell me… Maybe we can figure this out together? As to why you're always like this?"

But I shook my head in response.

Sighing greatly I slapped my hands against my knees, and forced myself up. "I'm gonna go to sleep." I mumbled, circling around the couch and towards the stairs,

"Matt," He called over, leaning against the arm rest.  
But I continued to walk, flicking on whatever light I needed in order to make my way up to my room without tripping.

"Matt, come back, please."  
Still, I kept walking, ignoring his pleads with some difficulty.

I expected him to follow, but he didn't do, which was a first. He only sat there, lounging on the couch like a tired child, exhausted with all the things happening around him. Like a parent, or therapist, who could get nothing out of me no matter how long they've known me, or how hard they've tried.

People like this always took a special case into knowledge, the tale of Evan Scott Perry, a suicidal boy who ended his life at 15 years old by jumping out his room window, who had a rare case of bipolar depression. Who wasn't scared of death, no matter what manner. He was my idol, but then again, his tale was my nightmare.

As I walked the final steps towards my room, remembering bits and pieces of his rare disease that provoked him enough to end his life, I though about every second of my life, and how I wanted to end it so much.

I wasn't a coward, just surrounded by people.

As I walked into my room, and stared at my bed from my door, looking around in the dim lit surrounding, I thought about my secret compartment, and how I could easily numb myself into doing stupid things, into thinking stupid thoughts.

How I could easily drown myself from my true self, grab some razors and needles, and rip at my skin, stab at my veins.

Then just wait, wait, wait for the physical and mental pain to go away, along with the world, and myself.

I don't deserve to stay, I have sinned plenty. I must atone for myself, serve myself, kill this being, end everything that bothers me, and live in some sort of twisted peace.

But today, I would lay down, and think of a way to accomplish this the next day. Where to hide without being followed.

And commit this disturbing act to the point that death can not be cheated.

Through it all, even though my plan seemed slight and full of potentially open gaps, I somehow achieved it, and no longer lay in my bed, but sat in the middle of nowhere, alone, and ready to be swallowed in hellish flames.

Sorry… Mello.

* * *

**Author-** I'm so sorry I took long. And I cut off for a few weeks at page 5, and continued to finish it today, so if this chapter sucks, I'm sorry. The female character introduced isn't as random as it seems. She'll actually be a big part in the story later.

As for the end of this chapter, the time lapse seems somewhat off and huge. How Matt's in his room one paragraph, then somewhere else in the other.  
No he's not in a dream, and the gap in between is on purpose. You'll find out later around the end of this story, which doesn't seem that close, but close enough.  
I didn't need that many reviews, It's just that I couldn't update due to some VERY.. BIG… ISSUES.

But still, you review, I give, soon, or later, depending on my life. No review, I'm done. Schools starting soon anyways XD. Not that that's much of an excuse, but I'll use it.


	8. Excuse

Hey readers! I know I'm disapointing you with this note of notification, but schools been up my butt!  
Here's the good news, I'll get to work on the new chapter (or finish it rather) this weekend!  
And guess what?! I won't stop for awhile! Why? Because Christmas Break starts this Friday! So that means new chapter every, like, what, 3 days?

Also, if you like Fruits Basket, please await my angst writte one that I have to copy from my notebook T_T.... (I suddenly feel like rp... That was random).

So, my current excuse is school, and the coming of new friends who are persistant to hang out DX! Hey, gotta make life fun before I die, ya'know? Too bad it's cold!

Hm, I wonder what I should give you guys for X-Mas... Hmmm...

Also, I wanna try sending Japanese styled post cards. So send me a message with your address, if you want. And I'll give you mine of you wanna send me one too!


	9. This phenomenon we call HOPE

**Author- I was looking over the reviews, haha, I'm really hoping I could keep this story going so that I could at least get over 100. I've never gotten there. I think that would make me feel like my writing accomplished something… *shrug* dunno.**

**Anyways, to update that (since I wrote it… MONTHS ago!) I wanna say MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HANUKAH, HAPPY QUANZA, HAPPY SOLSTICE! Wtv, haha, so many holidays to celebrate on concept.**

**Thank you those who decided to send me a X-MAS card (either featuring their art or not). It really motivated me, seeing how people actually care! (despite the heaviness of this story, haha). I actually can't wait to receive them! And return one :D!**

**So, again, if you wanna send me one, or want me to send you one, send through MESSAGE. I don't want personal information to drift through the internet!**

**Anyways, please read :D! AND REVIEW (YOU KNOW THE DRILL)**

* * *

**-Hall of Fame- I mean Reviews-**

**FearMeRawr-** Oh lordy indeed. Haha.

**Shipet100-** Yeah, I'm pretty sure lots of people felt that way XD

**K-Danuve-** You know, I read your review… And thought to myself.. What are they talking about? Haha, I haven't written in so long! Surely, this is a sign of my suckage as an author, lmao. But yeah, that is true. I mean, there are many things people have hidden inside that ruin them slowly, and they'll never tell, to either keep themselves from punishment, or keep themselves safe. I dunno, I'm not sure. Haha. Thanks for the review!

**Mia-Gabriella- **Haha, well, I love it when you review XD! So keep it up! Haha! And yes, yay for shooting!!!

**Josephine Falnor- **Yeah, true that, haha. And I'm also a fan of Boondock Saints! (drool). Thanks for your concern and review!

**TheMostPatheticNameEver- **Wow… I'm speechless… Thank you.. So..SO.. SO much! XD! XD! *explodes* And your review was NOT boring!

**Miss Hal Gibson- **Haha, indeed.

**Kyoko_Keehl-** Thanks for the concern! And yeah, well, here ya go! Haha! Thanks for the review!

**.x.d.x.d.x.d.x- **Writing your name is rather confusing, lol. XD. But yeah, isn't angst just… AWESOME?!

**Miss Itachi Uchiha-** Thanks! Yeah, I've had therapy and psychology since I was in kindergarten, (though, I'm not placing myself in Matt's position, since I've NEVER gone through the tales of this crazy angst story lol). Thanks, and thanks for the review!

**Mellow Miheal-** Thanks! It is XD, hard to believe too, my father says, since I have no trace of an accent (it's kind of humorous when I meet relatives and they have thick accents, lmao). But hey, it's the learning process. But, my writing (as in stories) was not ALWAYS this good. I thank a teacher from St. Francis (not a religious school) who is an EXCELLENT writer, and has taught me my writing ways, such as a master to a student would, haha. Thanks for the review!

**Clumsylittlegirl-** Haha, thanks. I will I will! I love this story too much to let go!

* * *

Near's eyes searched the monitors from under his bangs. One by one, they roamed, scanning each screen as his men searched. Some of the cameras were pinned to fabric, others were placed where they were regularly placed from the Kira search.

To think, he scoffed, he would be using them to find a fellow former Wammy resident. Supposedly they were all sane, intelligent… But as of lately, Matt and Mello have proven that theory wrong.

His gray eyes flowed through the last of the bottom screens, when something caught his eyes from the one placed on the top left of the last bottom right.

He stared at it for awhile, observing the situation, trying to make sure it was who he was looking for.

It only took him a few seconds.

Quickly, his hand swiped and gripped the walkie-talkie into his pale hand. His small thin finger pushed into the talk button, and with a short inhale of breathe,

"Hal, Gevanni, head to the street name I am about to send you on your phones. The map will have a blinking red light indicating his location. Hurry, go!" He demanded. And although his voice was rough, he still sounded like his collected self.

"Yes sir!" They responded awhile after the image grid was received.

Near slowly forced himself from his common position, his hand pressing against his knee. He eyed the camera, watching Matt as he sat alone in an abandoned warehouse, a location Near was hoping to use later on. Though, out of unfortunate luck, Matt decided to use it too.

He stood, silent, still, before the screen, watching calmly as Matt proceeded with his wishes. Though he masked it rather well, his insides were stirring with anticipation, anxiety.

Although he watched, helplessly, as Matt sobbed and continued to self harm, he only hoped that Hal and Gevani would get there before it was too late, since he knew he could do nothing to keep what he was witnessing from happening.

* * *

Mello quickly fled from his bed, running to his bike parked in the garage, on his way to Near's HQ. The call was received around 4 A.M, and Mello was guessing Matt used his exhaustion to his advantage in order to escape.

The blond didn't even hear the sound of the doors opening, or the car starting up.

Though this was not his first rude awakening, it was the only one that gave him a jump start.

He stormed his bike into the buildings empty parking garage, only sitting at least 7 regular cars, and a vast amount of S.W.A.T vans.

Mello nearly spun his bike around to a stop before one on the elevators. He quickly pushed on the brake, turned the engine off, removed his helmet, and paced off the seat and towards the stairs.

He would like to take the elevator, but the urgency in his chest wouldn't allow him to wait. So he tossed his helmet by the bike, fixed his hair lightly, and pushed the stair way door with great force, dashing down them in an instant.

Near's voice sounded calm, but the blond could tell he was on edge with nervousness. No doubt his men were already looking for Matt, but Near, as defenseless and unhelpful as he is, had to stay indoors to keep himself from being seen.

The suspicion that Kira had cameras of his own were above all of doubt. Seeing as how the teenage boy was a masked murder, true genius at hand, there was no room for 'what if's' and probable denial.

So, Mello couldn't blame him. He didn't favor helmets, but he wore them for the same reason as Near. To keep away from Kira, and his whacked girlfriends all-seeing eyes.

As he landed at the bottom of the stairs, facing a rather large, seemingly and undoubtfully secure door, Mello walked up to them, the metallic plates sliding apart, gaining him given access into Near's monochrome room.

"I thought you would've come quicker." Near spat, but only to those around him. A person who barely knew the boy would recognize the manner as rude. But this was an all too common way of expressing his worry towards a certain situation. Just like the time he and Mello heard about L's death, Near just tilted his head and proceeded with his puzzle, though, no words were spoken, those in the room could tell his was angry, and seeking for an ounce of revenge from his stance.

No matter how calm, soft spoken, or blunt Near seemed, his emotions and intentions were obvious to those who knew him rather well.

Mello paced to the screens, his hands pressing against the metallic counter, eyes large as he scanned. He ignored Near as he spoke behind him, lecturing him about his ridiculous decision to allow Matt in his hands, and how it was better if the red head was in a rehab center, where he should be. But Mello ignored, knowing no matter how much he would agree, that he would never take that risk at this time.

"_Mihael_," Near pressed, trying to gain his attention.

Mello's head fell towards the ground, eyes shut, lips twitching as he grimaced with anger.

The small shuffles of Nears feet could be heard as they slowly neared Mello's hunched, defeated position. "Mihael," He spoke again, no emotion traced in his voice. "I told you, didn't I-"

"Look Near!" Mello spun around, eyes narrowed in anger. His position was still nearly hunched, even though he was supposedly trying to stand straight- stand his ground.

But he was tired, not only from lack of sleep, but from everything.

"Stop acting like you're a kid, because you're not!" He snapped, noting towards the albino's genius brain, out-ruling any reasons for childish behavior. "I know this is _**my**_ fault! **_I know_**!" He yelled, seeming as if at any moment he would break down, and become insane himself. "But you know we can't let any one **out there**! Not when Kira is still in high alert! Not when he's still a priority!"

Near stood before him, still, silent, his eyes moving slightly, as if observing Mello's expression.

He placed a finger into his hair, twirling a strand immediately, his knees bending, as he slowly balanced himself down to his usual position.

He sat there, for a few seconds, silent, thinking.

The albino seemed troubled. But, as if defeated with his own process of conclusion, he looked up, face blunt, empty, like always. "So you'd much rather prefer he kill himself?" He stated.

The immediate response made it all too clear that Near could find no other way to say it to Mello, the truth that is.

Mello looked at him, agape. Slowly he looked down, his mouth slightly open, as if to say something, but he couldn't search for words. He wanted to make an excuse, to ease his own pain, but he knew there was none.

His blue eyes lifted, looking to Near.

But the solemn expression only lasted a few seconds, when to his surprise, a voice broke through all the flutter and noise of mechanical beeping and static running their continuous process amongst vast counts in Near's cave.

It was Near's walkie talkie, volume loud, as if Near was expecting Mello to burst into flames of shouting, which he did.

With a quick jerk, Mello grabbed it, and held it before him, staring at it, scared. He looked to Near, waiting for Hal to talk again. Near just stared back, slowly raising his hand, finger pointed behind Mello.

Slight fear coursed through the blond, and slowly, he turned, following Near's point of direction.

There, in his line of direct sight, was a screen. The illumination was a green tint, night vision, in other words. Mello's quickly concluded the reasons as to why, and realizing Matt's cleverness, scowled.

The time out was already night, and, in a warehouse, it can seem pretty empty.

Maybe Matt thought that if Mello were to conclude he'd be in such a place, he wouldn't find him in the dark.

And if Matt wasn't dead by the time Mello found him, then he could run around like a rat until he found his means of escape, moving on to somewhere else to finish his pitiful plan.

"Let go of the button…" Near almost hissed.

Mello flinched, looking down to what he held, quickly letting go. He didn't realize how tense he was, as he watched Matt, alone, broken, yet still.

It scared him.

"Ask her if she talked yet. Your stupidity might have forced us to miss something due to your careless behavior towards a very risky situation." Near instructed.

The blond didn't have any will in him to argue back, or return insults. He was too scared, too frightened. It was rather humorous, how, only in this type of situation, did he find himself calm, along with careless. As if his brain decided to shut down.

"Hal," Mello breathed. He swallowed, and tried again quickly. "Hal," He repeated, louder. "Did you say anything other than nearing the warehouse? After informing us of your location?"

"No," She replied, her voice strained. Both Near and Mello could pick up the panic in her voice. "Why?" She later asked, sounding nearly hopeful, as if expecting good news from the monitor room.

Mello shook his head, and pressed the button again. "No reason. Near's instructions." He replied.

There was a brief silence, and from the room, Mello could see her on one of the cameras, at least 2 blocks from the warehouse, holding her walkie. This recent show up on one of the screens was new, meaning that there would be no further news. They could only hope Gevanni was near Matt.

Hal held her walkie near her face, standing still, as if questioning Mello's odd actions. But instead of asking, she continued to run.

Mello turned away, searching for Gevanni on the screens, but stopped when he saw nothing.

Quickly, he looked towards Matt's screen.

All seemed to stop.

Mello's tense stand dropped slowly, his arms going slightly limp, head tilting.

Slowly he neared, eyes narrowed, in question, as he began to see Matt moving rather quickly. "He seems rather determined…" Mello whispered to himself, carefully watching his friends expression. "Near," He called, waving an arm behind him towards the albino. "Can you zoom in on Matt?"

Near stood rather quickly for someone such as himself; the movement seemed rather odd, rare. He placed himself near Mello, pressing a few buttons quickly.

Suddenly, all the screens were monitoring the warehouse. Near focused the image to seem crystal clear. Once that was done, he pressed a few more buttons, zooming into Matt.

It took a few seconds, but the blur and pixilated image soon seemed real, as if Matt were behind a glass wall.

Mello had to take a few steps back to see the whole image, but his eyes were still somewhat narrowed in curiosity, yet still panicked.

"What's he doing?" He asked himself, although he knew very well.

Near walked to him, slowly, as if he had just stumbled out of bed, and looked up to Matt. "Isn't it obvious?" He bluntly asked, though rhetorical.

His head dropped slightly, eyes narrowed, as if angry, large black eyes looking to the red head. "He means to numb himself, or rather, make himself high before he does what we know he very well wants to do." Near tipped. Most people who committed suicide place themselves in a state of 'high', to motivate themselves to further proceed, and, remove any pains while committing to their plan.

Mello almost toppled over. He knew, he was hoping Near wouldn't just say it so bluntly, as if he were taking a fucking stroll through the sunniest park in the city.

Refocusing onto the scene that took place, he looked to Matt's hand. He contemplated for a second, searching for answers as to how Matt was able to obtain any sort of medication, when Matt had never had anything prescribed to him, not after the overdose.

His mind searched, tracing any fragments of memory, no matter how fuzzy.

He then remembered the time when Matt walked away after confessing his twisted story. How the teen just walked up the steps, as if nothing happened, as if what just took place, never happened.

Mello had always placed some sort of medication in his room, to either help him sleep, or tend to any of his past wounds...

He remembered getting off the couch, and walking up the stairs, an hour after Matt did. Afterwards, he just lay on his bed, thoughtless, and fell asleep. Then there was a call that tore him from a dreamless slumber. Picking up the phone, he answered, and quickly rushed out.

There was something, though, in his memory, that tugged at him, irritating him. Something missing....

Realizing it, his head slowly turned up, facing the screens. "... Those are my pain killers…" He whispered.

The screens resolution and zoom in wasn't enough to prove him right, but, from his assortment of medication, the prescribed pain killers were maxed out in milligrams, 800mg each. Enough to put one down to sleep with just one pill. It would only take 5 to nearly kill someone like Matt, weighing at only 115 lbs (52 kl's).

But, from what Mello could tell, Matt knew, as he was taking enough to just end himself before he attempted to slit his wrists, or throat, or use any other insane method to die.

Near's eyes scrolled towards him, though he didn't turn his head to face him. His black orbs returned to Matt. "I certainly do hope that you are not blaming yourself." He argued.

But Mello didn't respond, didn't flinch, or look at him. Of course he believed it was his fault.

Matt leaving the house, taking the car, taking Mello's meds, all while the blond was around, so close. Yet he didn't notice anything, or do anything about it.

All these speed bumps that Matt just stormed through, Mello just drove safely behind, believing that Matt's crazy intentions were just a time period that would change if Mello was able to show the red head how to live life.

But why? Why did Mello believe he could change Matt if he presented himself as someone who cared?

Or someone who was much wiser, when Matt himself was third in line?

Matt was near genius compared to Mello and Near, if anything, was more intelligent than Kira.

So why did Mello believe that his lectures and protest amongst others to keep the red heard around, would help Matt any?

The static sparking through the walkie abruptly stopped, and in came Gevanni's panicked voice.

Mello's eyes focused from his daze, although he was staring directly at the red head, he saw nothing. But as soon as the news came through, he could breathe.

There sat Gevanni, crouched over a fallen Matt, who lay motionless on the ground, the bottle of pain killers rolled across the concrete floor, a few pills that were incapable of being swallowed by Matt's hand spilled about.

Gevanni pulled out a pouch as large as a textbook, and unzipped it with haste. Quickly, he pulled out a small scapula, and a mechanical object that seemed like a long metallic tube with a pointed tip.

Mello quickly got the situation, as Gevanni sterilized the tool, and placed gloves over his shaking hands. Suddenly, the blond was worried with the mans current state, concerned that the shaking would cause Matt's current state to go worse.

"You knew it all along, didn't you?" Mello whispered, not looking towards Near, just staring at the screen as Gevanni sliced a hole near Matt's belly button, placing the pump into his stomach.

Near remained silent.

Mello turned around, face contorted with anger. He couldn't believe this, and hoped that Near was expecting this too, not shrouding his belief with doubts, with false assumptions- that Mello wasn't smart enough to find out. But the pouch, and the utensils inside, proved Near's careless thoughts.

Yet, Near remained silent, looking towards Mello, black orbs staring deep into the blonds shaking blue eyes.

"You knew, and you didn't tell me through the phone?! Why didn't you tell me his location? His intentions?!" He yelled, pacing towards Near, stopping before him, eyes nearly blazing with anxiety.

Near only looked up at him, face blank. "Because," He bluntly began, slowly standing up. "There was nothing you would have been able to do." He stated, tipping off his head towards Gevanni, clearly indicating the tools he was using to save Matt.  
"Because I know how much Matt means to you… Because you have to realize," He stood fully, taking a few steps back to meet the tall blonds eyes. "You **must **realize that Matt's troublesome behavior will flaw us in the Kira case. Because if Matt continues to behave as such, we won't be able to kill the man who killed L… Because as long as Matt behaves this way, your genius process of thinking dwindles."

Mello stood still, his anger shaking off anything that Near was saying, seeming almost narcissistic in a way, ignoring anything that was honest from Near's mouth, to salve his diminishing pride, or any that was left.

"Because you must find out, that Matt will not listen to you, no matter how much you wish he would. Because, as long as Matt is amongst us, he will continue to attempt. Because, if we do not give him professional help, his attempts might overcome victory, and his life will fail in your hands, Mello." He turned away, slowly walking towards an unfinished tower constructed of Lego's.

Mello only stared, his anger slowly draining him. He needed to find a means of escape from his anger, even if it meant watching Gevanni save Matt, which he did. Worry returned, the concern draining any violent outbreaks he might direct towards the albino.

"I could give you many reasons," Near continued, settling near the tower that resembled L's former lair.  
"And none would make you feel better. But you must realize, I speak the honest truth, no matter how painful, or ruthless. My intentions are not to carry an argument, or make you feel any worse, but to speak out of honest assumption, that most anyone can tell will happen if we turn a blind eye even for just as second. And if I allow you to further continue this misguided ideal of salvation you believe is balanced within your hands..." He trailed off, his hand scooting off Lego's, searching for a certain piece, intentionally dropping the sentence, looking for a way to lightly put it.

He found his piece, and placed it into a gapped corner. "Because Mello," His finger pressed the piece in, and he remained motionless, only his eyes turning to look up towards the blond who returned eye contact. "There is no balance in your hands. And your intentions are mere stupidity despite your genius mind. And you, believe it is helping him, when Mello," His eyes narrowed. "It's **not**!"

This behavior was surprising, watching Near's mouth open wider then it usually ever has, his sudden snap.

But, despite any words that roamed through Mello's head, none were good enough. And, the blond realized, it would be a waste of breathe to argue against Near's conclusive points, when all of it was true.

Near's words sprang to life within Mello's head, all of them, driving the blond to near insanity, swirling throughout his mind in a frenzy.

Near was honestly concerned too, and despite that, his trail of thought, powered by his genius, made him seem uptight, and almost calm at the same time.

Mello only nodded. What could he say?

No, Matt really was alright in his hands?

That, despite his many failed attempts, he could still look after the boy? There was no excuse, no bargain. Near was right. However, with Kira still at large, it clouded his judgment. He couldn't let Matt go out there, it would be suicidal… Not that that wasn't the current issue.

The blonds eyes shut tight, his hands clasping at his head, palms pressing against the sides of his head. This was all his fault. Slowly, he sank to his knees. All his fault, all his fault.

His eyes snapped open, blue orbs towards the group, pupils dilated. "This is all my fault…" He whispered to himself, body shaking.

"He's okay!" Gevanni yelled through the walkie talkie, looking towards the camera. "He's going to be alright…"

Near looked to the screen, watching as Hal rushed in, pulling out a cell phone as soon as she saw the body, calling for an ambulance. The boy watched with complete ease.

Mello didn't even look up, as his brows pressed together, his expression broken, as if ready to cry.

Black orbs scrolled towards the blond, who hovered partially hunched against the ground, eyes open, shaking, hair cascading over his face.

The albino failed to show his sympathy, but he gathered it within, hoping that Mello would accept the truth, and look into reality- that this was no longer something Mello could do. And, within, Near hoped that this wouldn't drive his friend to the edge.

Standing up, he walked towards the walkie talkie that lay on the ground, static loudly pouring from the small speaker.

Picking it up slowly, he pressed the button, and, nearing his mouth, slightly parting his lips, he quietly spoke. "... Good job…" He congratulated, knowing that, despite the conclusive realization that brought forth a great epiphany for Mello, his rationality was not something he should have placed forth.

He too, was at fault. He should have told Hal and Gevanni where to go directly, and, should have told Mello of Matt's intentions.

With the slightest movement, he turned his head, to watch Mello from the corner of his eye. But, finding it a bit too much, even for him, he turned away, to rid himself of his own guilt, because despite it all, he helped Mello realize what had to be done.

As black orbs watched Matt's body being gingerly picked from the ground, and placed onto a gurney, while Hal and Gevanni presented official identification, he ignored Mello's self blaming mantras, as the thin body rocked back and forth in slight jerks, blond hair hiding his torn face, as silent tears dropped onto the ground.

"It's all my fault…"

* * *

**Author- Ohisashiburi, haha. I would spell that in hiragana, but you wouldn't be able to read it! Haha! It means "Long time no see" -- Basically.**

**Well, here's the new chapter! See, I told you I would post as soon as the break came!**

**Whats up with my life so far? School of course (as stated in my excuse bit). But I'm also a new fan to HOUSE M.D and SUPERNATURAL. The HOUSE part will help me loads with medicine in this story (since i've been watching it for months now)! Yay! So far, starting every day, after school, since I bought the first 3 seasons of SUPERNATURAL, I've been watching each episode NON-STOP haaaaaa.**

**I'm awaiting X-MAS CARDS (sings) I'm happy! **

**Anyways, remember the drill (that has NOT died down, lol). Review always ='s new chapter. Yeah, I know, cruel, but hey!**

**ALSO ALSO! Is ANYONE going to Ohayo Con '10?! I am I am! I hope we see each other! **


	10. As time seems to pass

**Author- Sorry for breaking my promise, haha. I just couldn't stop watching Supernatural! And the house was crowded over the holiday. And I was going to update earlier today, but I had to flush out my meds with some alcohol, so I was somewhat tipsy XD.**

**Well, anyways, last chapter, I realize there was SOME confusion, and it was kinda lame. But, I really wanted to concentrate on Mello for that chapter.**

**I was reading over past chapters, and I'm ashamed to admit that I hardly knew how I managed to write that! I was shocked, and I really hope I haven't lost my touch! I just have to find what inspired me, and fast.**

* * *

It felt like a rush. As if I were being thrashed around in water, back and forth, back and forth.

I couldn't open my eyes, but I could move my arms, which is exactly what I was doing, searching for something, trying to touch anything.

I had no idea what I could gain from simply gripping something when I had no clue what it was, but I didn' mind, since I was pretty freaked out at the moment.

Sounds that were so distorted started to clear up, and, that's when the wave hit me, punched me in the face, and left me there to painfully drown.

Sirens blared, so loud, I couldn't understand how the people around me were to comfortable with it.

Voices could be heard, either talking to each other, or what seemed like themselves, but, I could be mistaken with their conversation, it could be via phone.

Immediately, I realized where I was. A fucking ambulance.

Fucking surprise.

I have no idea as to why I thought I wouldn't get caught. I mean, not only was I dealing with Mello, but Near, Hal, and Gevanni. And they knew their stuff.

In other words, finding me wasn't as hard as I thought, which disappointed me.

The words that were being traded didn't matter, since I didn't care. This was an embarrassing loss.

Sometimes, I might seem careless, may seem like I really don't care about how people receive me, or that I don't care if I get tossed into the back of an ambulance, or laid out on a gurney, waiting for some doctor to diagnose my condition when I get to the hospital. But I do, every single time, I feel ashamed.

My mind was reeling, and I felt like I was gonna puke. I decided to quickly sit up, but only found that even that simple task was against me.

I cringed my eyes further shut in pain, groaned lightly, and fell back down.

Instinctively my hand searched for the cause of my pain near my abdomen, but someone kept shoving my hands away.

To say I was sober, would be a joke.

Not only was I hyped up with some massively dangerous pain killers, but I was being fed some crap to keep me from moving much, to, you know, not cause a hassle.

I felt like the stupidest person in the world. Like, any words I mumbled, were not mine, but that of a incredibly stupid person. It was rather lame, me talking this way, around people. But, hopefully, they knew what it was.

I tried opening my eye, but that action alone was hard.

My brows knotted, as the muscles around my lids tried to lift, but again, to no avail.

Completely irritated with myself, I let myself release a loud groan.

Somehow, I managed to find my face, and I didn't remember as to how, or why, my hand decided to rub against my hair. But, I couldn't feel it. However, I knew it was ruffling strands, and it probably made me seem like I was having a headache.

Slowly I let my hand slip from my head and onto the gurney, forgetting my limbs. I couldn't feel them anyways, not even my body, or mind. I felt like someone in a body, not the owner of it. Which was rather unusual, since I didn't feel this way when I was on some pretty heavy stuff.

But it's also not something that's new to me, since this isn't the first time I've overdosed.

Knotting my brows again, pursing my lips, I tried to open my eyes again. It felt like something was holding them down, or what I can compare to someone trying to move a paralyzed joint.

It began to piss me off. So, in the end, I decided to just lay there, motionless, and stupid, trying to concentrated on the noises around me.

I couldn't even register or remember most of their words, but I felt as if any exchange of conversation was frightening, giving me little panic attacks every few seconds.

Sometimes I would hear a man instruct me to breathe, and calm down, since, whenever I heard them speak, my body would shut down.

However, most of the time, I didn't follow their demands, and they would have to force me, by sticking some tube down my throat to contract the tight muscles, that remained closed sometimes. But the foreign object acted as a food, and my throat would open immediately, allowing my airways to properly function.

This happened repetitively.

"He's right here,"

I heard someone faintly, wondering who it was. But, no matter how much I tried, I began to grow tired, and nothing mattered, especially the asshole around me, or what was going on, whether I lived or died tonight, nothing mattered.

Slowly my mind drifted, the feeling, hard to describe. I guess I can compare it to the feeling one gets after waking from surgery. That sensation that you're floating over water, lying still, just, moving along with the small waves. It felt relaxing.

There was no way I was going to let go of this sensation. I wanted to carry it within my hands, and embrace it.

No noise or instructions around me bothered me. Nor the yelling as they freaked out about the wailing heart monitor. Or the female voice that indicated that I was here, now yelling through what I believe was a cell phone.

Right now, I was no where, I was in a place I wanted to forever remain.

Not even my depression existed here, or the reality that I had tried to kill myself again.

I was within a shell, so strong, that the voices began to fade again. And his name being called out through her voice, telling him to calm down, didn't phase me. She repeated it over and over, quickly, as if she too would explode in as much worry as he had.

His name was called over and over, Miheal, Miheal, _'calm down, calm down!' _over, and over.

I wanted to place a small smile on my lips, but didn't know if I could. Scared that I might destroy this sensation, I decided to remain still, no twitching, no breathing, just, still, like a corpse.

Everything slowed down, as if someone decided to slow-mo this whole situation.

The voices around me cluttered into one, just a light distorted whimper of loud shouting and prayers, that seemed distant.

My body slowly came to a stop over the water, that moved me in a nurturing fashion. I was confused, but decided to remain calm, and still, motionless.

Suddenly, I felt a tug, centering on my back, tugging at me, pulling me into the water at such a fast pace, I felt like my head was being sucked out of its liquids.

Then, as I sank deeper, I felt empty, more then before. There were no noises, or touches. Just, emptiness, and an extraordinary sensation of fright.

But, before I was able to do anything, everything just became darker, if that was possible, and I…

… Was gone.

* * *

I gripped the cell phone, pushing my messy blond strands away from my face, irritated, but more than anything, worried.

My fingers tensed, and my eyes shook, as I quietly listened to Hal, Gevanni, and the paramedics shout coherently, detailing the scene that proceeded before them.

I could hear the heart monitor failing, though it was hard to hear, I solely focused on it, my heart beating fast. That's all I wanted to hear, that monitor, as I silently prayed.

Near was silent behind me, listening too the same phone conversation through his head set. However, even though he was tense, his exterior seemed at ease, as he continued to play with his toys, picking at them, refashioning them. It was disturbing, since no one should be so calm in a situation such as this.

I turned to him, ready to snap at the clutter of noise coming from his playing, but he didn't care, even though I knew he could see me from his peripheral vision.

My glare deepened, my lust to punch him in the face nearing it's edge of encasement. I gripped the cell phone that was harshly placed against my ear, my breathing soft in order to concentrate on the monitor. I was growing more concerned by the minute, the voices yelling even more as they demanded more items to use in order to save Matt's life.

There was a sudden shriek, not of human, but mechanic. I flinched, and Near looked up towards me, eyes calm, like always, but his orbs shook lightly. He remained still, as I did, quietly.

His pale hand reached for his head set, adjusting the single ear piece closer to his ear, tilting his head towards it, trying to hear more then he already could- probably trying to hear the monitor over all the yelling.

Black orbs roamed the ground, as his mind was able to interpret the situation only from hearing. Suddenly, they flickered to my horrified face, his hand loosening off the headset.

"Hal," He spoke into the mic, looking away, down towards his toys, where he proceeded to play with them.

Her voice was loud and rough, panicked. "Yes?!" She yelled over all the noise.

He adjusted the mic near his lips, and softly, he ordered; "Hang up…"

The demand was rather blunt, quick, as if he already knew as to why that was a good decision. But his tone was mournful and low, as if he no longer could take what was going on. But that wasn't the true case, was it?

I immediately panicked, my free arm waving out in a lash, angry, as the anger in my face returned. I didn't want her to hang up, I had to keep listening to him! Matt wasn't dead yet! That sound was just a malfunction, he wasn't dead! He couldn't be!

"Near!!" I shouted, angry. "What the hell?!"

"You're in no condition," He stated, expressionless, unworried, it was frightening. "You will go insane, just as he is, if I allow you to further listen to that. Therefor, since you blame yourself, the recent presentation supporting such theory, I will not allow you interfere any longer."

I growled. "In no condition?! IN NO CONDITION TO WHAT?!" I flung the silent phone against the ground, the insides flying out as the exterior burst. "You're telling me I'm in no condition to hear that?! Matt's dying! I have to know the outcome! I have to!" I paced towards him, towering over the hunched albino, who continued to ignore me as he proceeded to play with his toys. "Who the hell do you think you are?! My fucking parent?!"

My heartbeat accelerated, my breathing labored. I was frightened, and my eyes searched the room for another phone.

Near slowly rose his head, his eyes following me as I scavenged the room. "I'm telling you this as a friend. And as a person who can easily interpret an obvious situation. Your emotional state is weak. If you want to support Matt," He paused, looking down to his toy that was held in his hand. Slowly he placed it on the ground, and put his hand onto his lifted knee. "You must remain calm. If you want to be there for him, you must remain sane."

I stared directly at Near. His lecture, I swear I could've punched him through the metallic ceiling. But I would ignore him instead. So what if I thought he was right? Or if I was surprised because he called me a friend? That didn't matter right now.

I had to check up on Matt's status.

My eyes shook with anticipation as I paced towards the only phone I saw in the room, my fingers tightened against my fist, nails biting into my flushed skin .

"They won't answer the phone," Near bluntly stated, his clatter of toys began to anger me. "Hal is following my instructions, yes," He said, as if I were asking questions. "But she's not an idiot, she won't answer the phone unless necessary."

Holding the phone in my hand, I turned my head slowly towards him, looking at the albino over my shoulder.

That's it.

"I'm leaving." I stated, walking over to the office chair in which I placed my coat on. Pulling it towards me, I put it on, as I raced out.

I could hear Near bicker about how it wasn't a smart idea to leave his HQ at a time like this, because Hal might call back and update. But I didn't wanna hear it, I wouldn't wait.

Besides, I had a good idea of where he was, so, it would be easy to track him down.

To see Matt was top priority, dead or alive, because that way, maybe by a little, I could get past this. And then, if the result where to make me smile or go crazy, I would be the one there, witnessing it first hand, taking it in.

That's the only way I would be able to sit like a moron. Because, I would only sit, after I knew what was happening.

My body went into a full sprint, the lack of sleep finally taking it's toll on my mind, as I felt like a drunk zombie running away from a hell hound; it was difficult. But Matt was all the was on my mind, it became somewhat ridiculous.

At first, me and Matt, we were just buddies at whammy, who hardly depended on each other.

He was always the laid back one, who chewed on straws and played his little games. And I was the up tight one, running against edges as if I were ready to jump.

Now, he was the one I was chasing after, like, ironically, a guardian angel. And he kept kicking me down, like a demon fighting against holy water.

I wondered, could my leave really have done that to him? If I were there, would I have been able to save him? Would I have been able to threaten away those greedy foster parents he once had, and kept him safe in his room?

That story crawled back into my mind, and suddenly, I was running faster then before.

This is my duty now, this is what I have to do, as the person who left him behind to such a world, this is my job. Not as a friend, or a guardian, but…

My fists clenched tighter, the leather fabric covering them from the chilling temperatures outside heating up my hands considerably.

As soon as I caught sight of my bike, I pulled out my keys, and ran even faster, my legs burning.

And I wondered, as my body sat itself into the vehicle, what I was capable of? I am a genius, however, how can I help Matt? I'm not a doctor.

However, as I turned the engine to life, I can pray. Pray to my God more then I ever have before, and hope, with all my being, that when I make it there, he's breathing. And that, if he is at the verge of death, I might be able to help him with whatever knowledge has been absorbed by my brain.

* * *

I couldn't remember how long it took for me to make it, but it wasn't a short trip.

To say it was that of a rather calm one, would be a lie. Not only was I worried out of my wits over Matt, but of any lingering cops that would have a thrill to stop my running bike.

It was lucky though, that I was able to dodge so many cars like that; because if I didn't know better, I would have fallen asleep in the middle of it.

The number of times I cursed was exceeding the regular, and I would perhaps save that for Matt as some humor while I yelled at him, if I do, since I was pissed beyond my mind, along with worried.

It was a troublesome mix.

As I parked my bike within the building on the 'Emergency' floor, I wondered how many people where here visiting someone who fell off a building? Got in a car accident? Did something other than suicide to get here?

Then I wondered how many people were here like Matt.

I wanted to do that math, but realized that was pointless, and was just an itch in my curiosity that I would have to avoid.

Rushing towards the sliding doors, I pulled out my wallet, and began to pull out my ID.

Reaching the desk, my fists nearly slammed against the counter, the women looking up to me from her computer with a bit of surprise. Though I expected she was immune to this sort of welcome.

She asked me what I needed, and I told to women at the desk my name, and who I had to see.

Her head nodded slightly, I could care less about her features, as my eyes roamed the frighteningly white surrounding area.

"Sir?" She called, and I looked to her. Her head shook slightly. "I'm sorry, but you can't see the patient right now."

For some reason, that relieved me. This meant he was alive, right? She would know if he was dead, right?

I sighed in defeat, my arms crossed over the counter, my body slightly slouched, head facing the ground. I looked up. "When can I see him then?"

She looked through her monitor again, the documents mirrored onto her glasses. Looking up, she gave me an honest shrug.

Damn it all to fucking hell! I was really about to punch her, although she did nothing wrong.

"Fine," I sighed, standing straight, trying to seem collected. "Tell me what room he's in, so that when I come back I can just tell them the room number and walk in." In truth, that wasn't the plan. Of course, I had to extend the request, as liars do. The only thing I had to tell her was to give me the information, but she would flat out decline.

If I were to give her a reason to my demand, then she would probably fall for it.

I watched silently as she scanned through, the number mirroring her glasses.

By the time she called out the number I walked away, pretending I was heading out. But in truth, I would come in from the main lobby, where she wouldn't be able to see me. I would get on an elevator, onto another floor, ask someone who worked here where the ICU was, and take the stairs towards there.

ICU, for those who are unfamiliar, means Intensive Care Unit, something I had deciphered when I first heard of it as a kid. At first, it seemed rather lame, since most people I knew had fallen into the ICU, but none where in critical condition.

However, as I sneaked my way through the hellish medical halls, I realized Matt's condition, and understood. This must mean he might be dying.

This motivated me, as I neared the nurse on the 3rd floor and I asked her for directions. She seemed suspicious, but I told her that my mother was down there, and I was allowed to visit, only, I got lost.

It was incredible how much these idiots bought it.

I was directed towards the direction, and paced, storming only when I got to the stairs.

Hopefully Near didn't call Hal, or Gevanni, because I wasn't up for punching a girl, or taking the advantage of having children from a man.

I practically shoved the door open off its hinges as I ran past it. I decided to ignore curious eyes, and those of the security guards who cautiously watched me.

As I paced, my eyes watched every number closely, my mind waiting to catch his room number.

My mind wouldn't shut up, as his name was constantly repeated like a mantra, _Matt Matt Matt Matt._

Then there is was, room number 201. I nearly ran into the glass window as I pushed it open.

Instantly, I had Gevanni and Hal eyes on me. They stood stiff, though straight and seemingly tense, I could tell they stood in positions which would allow them to launch at me.

But, I walked in casually, the doctor and his bitches staring me down as I walked in and took a seat.

The staring was a bit uncomfortably, and the silence was awkward, but I couldn't fully take that bit in, as I fought away tears that threatened to cloud my vision.

Gevanni have one last long stare, as if observing me, and then turned to Hal, grabbing her shoulder briefly to turn away from me, as he nodded, and whispered that it was alright, I was here because I was scared.

He looked up to the doctor and nurses, then gave them a nod.

They all exchanged looks, but then, shrugged it off, getting back to work, as they should be doing despite my intrusion.

My body slumped against the chairs curve, my hands stuffed into my jacket, as my weary eyes stared at Matt's serene expression the whole time.

Hal decided to near me, and tell me what she thought about my doing here, and how it wasn't healthy. But I ignored it, and kept staring.

"Mello," She whispered harshly, trying to gain my undivided attention. "Really Mello," She huffed, standing straight, crossing her arms over her stomach. "This isn't a good idea. Matt's in critical condition thanks to his anorexia and drug use. It's no good that you're here in case he might not make I-"

"Hal," I interrupted, my throat sore, I could hear it as I cleared it. "Listen," I looked up, trying to seem kind in some way when in all honestly, I wanted to kick her head off. "Just… Go away."

We kept staring at each other for awhile, and finally, she looked away. As did I, returning my eyes towards Matt.

The doctor began to collect a few items and place them on a high rolling table. He then instructed the nurses to leave, as he did. "Visiting hours will end shortly." He noted, and left.

Gevanni looked to Matt, then to Hal, then to me. He nodded, a mumbled something, as if apologetic, under his breath, then also, walked out of the room.

It was now Hal and me, in this uncomfortable situation. I really wanted her to leave, but she didn't seem to budge. As if I had some ridiculous plan to take him out of here.

"Hal," I whispered, grunting lightly as I pulled myself into a proper sitting position, only to hunch over as my elbows rested against my thighs. "Please, leave me here alone. I need some time."

"You can do that outside, or somewhere else, truly alone." She spat, looking around as if my behavior irritated her. "Really Mello, I can't trust you here alone with Matt."

I scoffed, and rolled my eyes. "Then stand outside stupid wench." I spat. "You can monitor me from out there."

She gave me a long hard stare, determining whether I was being honest to my hidden words. Then, she stomped away.

I watched quietly, as she walked out, and closed the glass door, watching me the whole time.

Then, abruptly, I stood, and shoved the door within the few inches it had a remaining gap, and locked it in place.

Hal gave me a shocked expression, when in truth, this was to allow me and Matt proper privacy.

Watching her priceless expression the whole time, I reached for the blinds, and pulled them across the rooms glass walls. This place seemed like some research room, all eyes on you the patient.

She banged on the glass lightly, like a child, but then, nothing. Finally, silence, save for the mechanical items attached to Matt. It was chilling, giving the impression that he was truly going to die.

Shaking away these thoughts, I walked to him, my frame shaky, as if I were truly losing him. "Matt," I called out, nearing him. "Mail?" I whispered.

I stood beside him, my hands slowly reaching towards him, eyes narrowed as they kept fighting tears. Come on pull yourself together Mello!

However, as my hand reached for his face, and lay there lightly, I broke down in tears. His flesh was pale, and cold to the touch. It was as if I were touching a dead body. It was frightening.

"Matt," I breathed in a shaky breath, my hand caressing his face. "Matt, you have to wake up." I pleaded. "Please don't give up, please." I sobbed silently. "Matt," I neared my face slowly to his, my eyes closing as our foreheads touched. "Please, for me, I need you." I cried, touch my voice remained strong, as I begged. "You can't leave me here alone. You can't!" I didn't yell, however, I whispered a demand, a beg. He couldn't leave me here, not now, not like this.

"Matt," I sighed, pressing my forehead a bit harshly as I clenched my teeth together, "Please, please, wake up."

My slight sobs became harsh, as if heaving them out in coughs, as I called his name over and over.

But nothing came. No response.

Only the silent tone of the heart monitor, assisted by the loud bangs on the glass door to allow them in.

* * *

**Author- No this is NOT the last chapter.**

**I was kinda disappointed with the lack of reviews XD. I mean, I demand them because I hardly have time on my hands, so I need them as a graph, I guess I could say.**

**In a way, this helps me determine how many people really want me to continue this fic. And, it also helps me with writing it out.**

**I write for the audience, there for, they need to show me they're reading it, and from their reviews, I can catch a few hints from what they want, or think will happen.**

**I mean, I'm an open book when it comes to writing. I don't plot before I write, which is why I'll never become an author, since I depend on the reader to also assist me with most of the outcome, get it?**

**So please please please review! And I promise I'll update faster.**


	11. Chapter 11 Unpredictable vs Genius

Author- Sorry for those I promised to send X-Mas cards to sooner, I've been busy. But they're ready.

Also, thanks for the reviews!

And, I would love to post responses to all the people that reviewed, but instead, I'll list them here;  
**Shipet100  
Mellow Miheal  
YagamiNeko  
AlchemyOtaku0922  
FearMeRawr  
IndifferenceToSociety  
.Zira  
Hikari Yagami543 **

**I also wanna send new year cards, so PLEASE let me be a stalker and give me your DAMN ADDRESS!**

**Haha, please read and enjoy :D!**

* * *

"**MELLO!**" I could hear Hal yell behind the door, along with others, shouting behind her, to let them in.

I knew that letting them in was the best idea, since they would be able to save Matt; but my legs couldn't move, my head didn't want to inch away from his.

However, I was a fool for believing I could remain like this as I was harshly torn from him, however, my eyes remained on his dead form.

I could the jingle of keys behind me, and guessed it was the janitor, since security would have arrested me on the spot.

My will to tear away from Gevanni's tight grasp was moderate, since my head drowned from the scene before me.

Out of all the other times I have been here, and have seen this, this was the first time I heard the monitor go dead for a long period of time.

When I was young, I was taught that the human body could remain alive for 3 minutes without oxygen.

Hopefully, in Matt's case, I wasn't stupid enough to allow a minute to pass.

Despite my wishes, I knew I did the wrong thing by remaining at his side for at leas 2 minutes.

All moved slowly, as if someone decided to play in my nightmares, like those crazy shows in which something dramatic occurs, and the developers decide to slow down time to prove how hectic the scene really is.

And I wasn't enjoying it, since this was no dream, nor show. This was real.

I watched silently from the corner of my eye as a scared Hal neared me, eyes narrowed in regret and hate. She blamed herself for leaving me here with him, and hated me for persuading her, and letting his happen to my friend.

"Take him out, Gevanni." She demanded. But I didn't move. It seemed as if Gevanni could at least understand how I was feeling. "_Gevanni!_" She hissed, but again, I didn't move.

I heard Gevanni sigh from behind. "Let him stay. If not for his friends outcome, then for his stupid actions." He declared.

With a single sentence, he manipulated her enough. She remained silent, staring me down with as much disgust as her face could muster.

"More on the chest compressions nurse!" The doctor shouted, as they pulsated harsh hands against his bony chest, and jolted.

But the heart monitor didn't phase. Just kept it's dead tone.

I turned lightly, to look away, as I bit my bottom lip, trying to keep the tears from further coming.

But Hal grabbed my chin, firm and tight, then turned me to him. "You will **watch**." She demanded, her breath shaky. "You will see what will keep happening if he doesn't get proper help."

I narrowed my eyes, nearly closing them.

"Do you want Matt to die?!" She spat, and I lost it.

My body slumped in Gevanni's arm, and he hoisted me to a stand, telling Hal off as he noted I was near passing out. But she didn't seem to care.

"What should matter most is the Kira case!" She whispered. "And Matt should not be exposed to such anxiety! He needs help! He needs to be put in care, or he will eventually die!"

I've already heard this before from Near, is what I wanted to tell her. But I remained silent, and kept sobbing.

Only later would this shame me to such an extend.

"Hey," The doctor shouted.

My eyes snapped open, watching as the doctor removed the nurses hands from his chest, and blocked the jolting device connected to the crash cart.

The doctor pressed his hand further into Matt's neck, eyes observing the monitor.

Then, the tone changed, and Matt's heart returned to life.

The swirls of relief could have knocked me to the ground. But I had to stay strong, if not for my pride, then for Matt.

My arms instinctively fought away from Gevanni's hold, as I shoved him away. Eventually he gave in, and mournfully watched as I neared Matt.

Instantly, I was held back my a flood of arms as the Doctor and his nurses pushed me away, demanding that I leave. But Gevanni came to my side, flashed his badge, and told them it was fine.

Of course, those who work in the hospital always have something against FBI when they are told what to do by the bureau, but despite their fits about how they can't be told what to do by official authority, they know that with a simple call, all of that can be fixed.

Gevanni kept his argument with the workers, as Hal watched me, keeping her distance while I neared Matt, observing his pale features, keeping myself from breaking.

"He'll be alright." Hal assured, as if she knew anything. I didn't credit her, or answer her back. She was annoying enough, her condolences where starting to taking it's toll.

I kept staring at him, my mind wandering as if I were dreaming, as if my soul would be knocked out. But I kept myself here. My body leaned over, mouth nearing his ear. "Matt," I whispered, trying. Maybe if I approached this to such an extent, he would respond? "Matt…" I called again.

My head turned over my shoulder, as my hand searched for his hand. I grasped it, then turned to look at him, and leaned in, to try again. "Matt… Mail…" But nothing came.

After awhile, the doctor approached me, the nurses taking their leave.

"He'll be alright. However, he is exhausted. At his current state, I don't know the outcome for sure. However, we're treating him as much as possible; providing food, medication, et cetera. However, he needs to rest for more then we anticipated. His organs are damaged, -not badly though-, due to poor nutrition, and after running tests, we found out that he does drugs, **and **casually drinks, it seems." He shook his head, looking at his list again, assuring that he got all of it down. "I'm afraid this is all we can do for now."

I nodded lightly, not looking to him, but directly at Matt.

So… He had a probable chance of survival.

Dammit Matt! Why do you do this to yourself?!

Why is it that you wont accept my help?

* * *

It had been a week, and nothing was happening. Not much at all.

Matt would be constantly treated, hygienic wise, food wise, etc.

I was curious as to why he had yet to wake up, however, I didn't really want to know, since he could be entering a comatose state. And that, I did not want to hear, or think about.

However, the thing that mattered most was that he was getting healthy, no matter which condition, may it be bad, just laying there like the idiot he is, he was getting better.

I pulled out my phone, and scrolled through my scarce number of contacts.

My thumb stopped pressing against the button, and I glared towards the contact I halted on.

Near.

I narrowed my eyes.

Throughout my stay, he had been calling me, or sending Hal. However, in truth, I know he wasn't very concerned over Matt's well-being.

There is a portion of people in this world that are hardly concerned over the lives of other people, if the person is especially near insane.

Nate's just that type of person. He could care less if a close friend, or acknowledged being was dying because of something they did to themselves. Which, is understandable when you stumble along the logic that one should hardly give a fuck about a person who just wants to cut off his life lines.

However, I don't want to be that type of person, although I was for the longest of times.

I would always feel disgust towards people like Matt, because to me, they always seemed to just want attention. I mean, why else would they inflict damage to themselves? Or try to actually end themselves?

Some people did it to die and be remembered, others did it to die and get everything over with. But it was Matt who told me he hated people like that when we heard the cycle of the Kira case. How some people actually committed suicide for their God, Kira, when they sinned. I mean, how stupid is that?

Can you really appreciate someone who cries, wails, and dies for the sake of attention?

I would always say no, and at times, considering the situation, I still do.

However, Matt's different. At first I was confused, as to why he was becoming the person he hates. But then, that was his statement before he was adopted into a wildly abusive family. Now, it seemed that I did not only lose the Matt I knew at wammy's, but my friend all together.

And I don't want to lose him.

I don't know why I keep throwing myself at him so much. But, there's this unusual tug at my chest every time I see him like this, or hear that he's doing something like this.

The sensation of wanting to embrace him and keep him close, I've never felt that way before. And for some reason, I felt as if I wanted to rip at my chest and claw out this ridiculous sensation.

However, I also felt that, without it, I would lose Matt.

And for some reason, without him, I felt lost. The fact that I've gone through this more than once, I have known that feeling pretty well.

It felt like, I was being shattered, tugged and tossed. Like my chest was closing in, and any sharp object seemed welcome. However, no matter what, I would not commit the greatest sin in my religion, I would remain strong, I would always declare.

But could I really live without Matt?

Return to that home with no one there? Walk to my room, passing his, seeing nothing but what remains in his memory? I couldn't do it.

Much less ride the bike he bought me, or watch anything on the TV he purchased, or look at the game system he got, or the booze in the kitchen, or the bed he slept in. I could not return to the home he escaped from many times, where, in his very own bathroom, he slit his wrists, and injected himself with drugs.

Cross by the bed he had a seizure in, or remove the clothing from his closet, some in which the blood stains had been unable to wash off.

I closed my eyes tightly. The sensation I was getting from even thinking that way felt like a true nightmare.

Even the thought had me at the edge.

To further comfort myself I rose my legs from the floor and placed them on the seat, hugging them near my chest.

I didn't care how I looked right now. The whole world can judge me. And for some reason, I still didn't care.

In that position I remained, ignoring all the noises around me.

The people chatting outside the glass window, Hal talking to Gevanni, the light coughs.

My eyes lightly opened a bit to the latter. My eyes searched the lightly dark room, until I was able to find it.

Or rather him.

I abruptly stood up and raced towards the door, calling for assistance.

Hal looking to me, her blue eyes confused, along with Gevanni's, who followed the nurses into the room.

They gently pushed me away, tending to Matt quickly. I didn't really have any room to mind what they were doing, as I stared at Matt's struggling face as he coughed and choked.

I felt like smiling lightly in overwhelming joy, but, my facial muscles wouldn't allow me to do such, as I just watched the process go on.

Three nurses had to hold Matt still as his body lifted against the bed, one nurse holding his head down against the pillow as he worked around the tubes in his throat.

He instructed the nurses to hold on tighter, as he slowly pulled out the tube deep within his chest.

Then, as soon as it was out, Matt was heaving, eyes wild, as they searched the room.

I could tell there was a hint of wild confusion in his eyes, then, sadness.

That look almost lit a flame at the pit of my stomach, and, now that he was awake, I wanted to punch him.

The nurses walked up to Hal, and Gevanni, who held me, although I didn't struggle. "It's fine, he's fully awake now, which is a good sign." He pointed to the tubes laying across the crash cart in tangles. "We put those in when a patient can breath on his own. When the patient is conscious, they are capable of breathing on their own again. That's why they cough and choke. In other words, he's fine."

Hal nodded gently, looking from the male nurse to Matt. "Thank you." She stated with a small, unmeaning smile.

The nurse only nodded as he proceeded to walk out with the other nurses. Oh how they wished to be doctors, only, they were the maids.

I cleared that from my mind, realizing the situation.

He lay his head into the pillow, exhausted, breathing heavily. His thin arm rose, hand reaching for his head, which I could only imagine was throbbing from taking everything in.

Immediately, I paced to him.

"Matt?" I called cautiously, keeping my hands to myself, to ensure he didn't throw out a negative response that would probably anger me.

He only stirred lightly, green eyes scrolling towards me. He blinked slowly, then, lightly, gave out a sigh, looking away towards the dim ceiling lights.

He seemed to be in pain, and I felt helpless. I wanted to call the nurses back to give him something, but that was probably out of the question. There was nothing I could do but watch him.

It felt like observing something out of the ordinary, as if something exciting. I couldn't look away, despite the heaviness of the situation. And I could only imagine how he felt, no, in all honesty, I couldn't imagine even that. I could just logically map it out.

Fear, denial, fate, sadness, exhaustion, pain.

I heard the light clatter of heeled shoes near the bed "Matt, do you know where you are?" The usually stern voice asked, masked over with kindness. Though, I couldn't blame her, we were all scared.

He nodded his head lightly, and then, with a scoff, chuckled once lightly, and with a frown, shook his head, as if mentally cursing himself.

I looked over to Hal and Gevanni, hoping that my request would work. I could only tell Matt was fully ashamed of himself, and probably wanted us out of the room. But I wanted some time with him, despite the fact that he probably didn't want to see me the most.

But before I got the word out, as I turned to them, they only nodded, and walked away.

I didn't thank them, or nod in return. I just stared until I couldn't see them anymore as they turned the hall. They knew if I were to harm Matt, the nurses would see. And they knew, by 100%, I would not kill him, because, well, I was the one going nuts to save him..

I turned to Matt, my facial expression tame, in order to keep myself from seeming against him in any way. I wanted him to talk to me, as I wanted to talk to him. Then I wanted to break the ice with what plans Near suggested for him, giving full credit to the albino.

Walking away from his bed I faced the chair I had sat in for almost the whole week, and again, quit regrettably, I sat in it again.

Breathing in loudly, wondering what to say, I looked to him. I had to do this, whether Matt and I hated it or not. "Matt…" I said rather loudly, clearing my hoarse throat.

He didn't reply, instead, just lay there, rubbing at his head again.

I sighed, my head bowing a little. I was tired too, I don't think I got much sleep since I came here. At least 2 hours, at most. "Matt," I tried again, but instead of a reply, as soon as I looked up, emerald eyes were glaring at me menacingly from under auburn red bangs.

To be honest, it sent shivers down my spine. It was a look I have never gotten from him. And I could imagine, this is the look he gave his foster parents when he murdered them… I looked to the ground. Though, can it be murder? He was protecting himself… But…

I looked up slowly towards him. And, without any shame, I began to lightly cry.

Though his look did not change. He just stared at me with empty green eyes, glaring deeply at me.

I cleared my throat, making sure my voice had not changed. "Matt, please listen to me…" I began, making myself comfortable in my seat. "You need hel-"

"You know you remind me of a friend I once had…" He started, his voice raspy. He looked away, staring at nothing in particular, as if in a daze. "I lived with him for a short while after I left those bastards dead…" He kept staring, in silence. Then, slowly, he turned his head towards me. "He died awhile after I lived with him, a while after he found out I was doing this to myself." He bluntly stated.

The way he said it, as if it were nothing, frightened me. And Matt, being capable of killing people, was probably able to do more, right? I wanted to ask if he killed his friend too, but I kept that to myself. If he did, that would mean Matt would actually be charged with murder. Not that I would turn him in, right?… No, I never would.

But, with that statement, was he threatening me?

"Look Mello…" He sighed. "You're beginning to be a pain in the ass. I don't understand why you all won't leave me alone already."

I hadn't realized I had stopped crying, but that didn't matter anymore, since irritation was starting to creep up on me.

My eyes narrowed in confusion, body positioning itself in a way to allow me to stand up at any moment from the chair. "What?" I breathed out, completely stricken, as if talking to the most ignorant person in the world. "Are you **joking?!**" I stood up, slowly walking towards him. "There's no way you can be that stupid Matt!!"

His tired eyes looked to me, and I could see the unwillingness to live in them. He was fed up, with everything.

Sighing loudly, he rubbed at the back of his head, and closed his eyes. "I know, I know. It's cause you consider yourself to be my friend.""Consider?!" I immediately responded, a smirk working its way on my lips. "_Consider?!_" I scoffed. "Mail, what world do you live in?!" I selfishly pointed to myself. "I **am **you friend! I have been the one breathlessly taking you out of harms way, taking you to countless numbers of hospitals, serving you food, washing your clothes, monitoring you! If I wasn't your friend I wouldn't be doing anything for you!"

He didn't even move. He just sat still, blank, as if ignoring everything I had said.

"Matt, listen to me. You need **help**." I stated at point blank, knowing this would get nowhere.

He only looked to me and laughed lightly, a smirk placed on his lips. "Help… **Help**…?… Really Mell's your becoming a pitiful idiot." He insulted. "Look, I've gone through enough help, and look where it's gotten me and you. In the same damn fucking thing over and over. Last time I came back from **help** I opened my arms. Now you tell me how the fuck help's gonna truly help me," His eyes narrowed. "Because I would really appreciate me if you gave me an honest to God answer."

I only stared back into those malice green eyes. And, sheepishly, I bowed my head in defeat. "I don't know…" For once, in my life, I honestly did not know. "But you have to try-""TRY WHAT?!" He yelled, the heart monitor pulsating a bit faster. "Try to walk in there with people who cut themselves because their mum's didn't get them a fashion designers dress for prom? Because they feel like they have miserable lives when they live in nice homes with nice families, and nothing going against them?! Hell Miheal, do you honestly want me to sit there and endure the crap from kids who had straight A's and thought that the only way they could fit in was if they sliced at their arms for admission into some stupid fucking group?! Yeah, sure, be a genius and stick me in there with idiots who want attention, rather then the real deal!"

"Real deal?""DEATH you fucking idiot! DEATH!" He snapped.

And I lost it. Not my control over my emotions, but my process of thinking. Suddenly, everything went blank. I looked to him with shaky eyes. For some reason, I still didn't understand. It was understandable that his childhood life wasn't peachy, but he killed those people. Why was he still lingering with death?

I neared him, looking over him as I stood beside him, my mouth opening like a suffocating fish out of water, trying to start a sentence, but coming out with none.

Then, the noise that caught me off guard fixated me. The noise, that should be so familiar, was outrageously confusing.

My wide eyes looked to Matt, and suddenly, everything seemed to have shattered as I stared point blank into a dark barrel.

I held my hand out cautiously towards him, and I wondered how he managed to pull off a silent snatch. But then again, I waltzed in here, so everything I walked in with a week ago still remained on me. Save for the clothes that Hal would bring me, and the showers I would take. The coat, and "accessories" I had brought with me were either on me, or hidden.

"Matt," I spoke cautiously, looking at the gun that he had already cocked out of safety. "Matt, give it back."

He only narrowed his eyes. "Wow Mell's, do you think you're talking to a kid or something?" He huffed. "I mean, persuasion is one think, attempting to persuade the worlds third genius detective is another."

I shook my head. "Matt, it's not that. You're not an idiot. But doing anything with that gun will make you one." I said as I slowly reached for the weapon. Maybe, due to his psychological illness, his mind would be so focused on pointing it at me, then watching as I try to take it back. Though that would be troublesome too, since it was ready to fire at any second.

"Sorry Miheal." He bluntly said, though no trace of honest apology was behind those words. And suddenly, there was a loud bang, the only way I can describe the noise is that way, a loud, extremely loud bang.

I looked to him in shock, though what I thought was going to happen didn't. And instead of staring at a dead Matt, I stared at the gun that slowly moved towards his head.

I then looked to my stomach, and it was then that I realized the overwhelming pain.

"That friend that I was talking about," He whispered, as if saddened. "He cared just like you…. I was really hoping you wouldn't become him." He said as he looked up towards the door, catching sight of the people that were running towards the room.

I fell harshly to my knees, my hands covering the wound. I then looked up at Matt, as he stared at me apologetically, a small smile on his face.

Then, as the doors swung open, another loud fire proceeded, and my head bowed to the floor, staring at my fatal wound, tears flowing down my cheeks.

* * *

**Author- A good song to the end portion would probably be Child's Play-Nayuta-GOTHIKA, because that's what I was listening to like, 100 times, just trying to think of something XD.**

**3, including this day which would be 4, days till 2010! Wow, incredible! Time really flies! **

**Have you guys ever played Kagome Kagome (Circle you, Circle you), you can search it up, but after hearing it not too long ago, I keep finding videos related to it. It's not supposed to be a spooky song, but people have taken it and made it spooky, which I of course, love. Like Fatal Frame… :D!!!**

**Okay, so again, not the end, haha.**

**And also, anyone going to Ohayocon in January 2010? Located in Cincinnati Ohio? I seriously can't wait to go. I wanted to go last year, but I couldn't. Now I get to stay with the staff in a suite! It's gonna be great!**

**Anyways, please review! PLEASE!**


	12. Chapter 12 No calm before the storm

**Author- [Note, this is late due to some major life issues, so, the Authors note doesn't seem to fit, but, whatever]**

** There is a very reasonable excuse as to why I have yet updated. Ever since my last update, I have not been home. The day after, I went to a LAN party, which was awesome. I stayed there till 2, then took a 30 minute walk back home in the cold, lmao, while it was lightly drizzling, with my friend. She stayed for 2 days, and I couldn't write, well, because my friends don't know I'm nihon_jin_desu (Dr. Who seems awesome, lmao). She left 30 minutes before new years, so I went all emo cause I didn't have anywhere to really go so I walked around the neighborhood and got back home two minutes after new years. Then a friend picked me up at 2am, and I stayed at their place drinking till 5:20 am, then got dropped off at 5:50am, haha…**

**SOOOO, HAPPY NEW YEARS**

**And, um, I'm sorry for the long while, and that's why I'm updating on the new day of the year! While I watch the BBC channel, haha.**

**And the start off is pretty hectic, haha, so if you don't remember much of the end of the last chapter, please do re-read.**

**Now, enjoy, oh, and past reviewers:  
Sandstorm- Haha, couldn't prove you wrong this time. *Shrug*  
Hikari- Thanks :D!  
ShinigamiMailJeevas- Haha thanks. And that's why I like cliffs, mwahaha  
AlchemyOtaku0922- Hm, that sucks D:!! My mum gets like that too, but, now that I'm 18, i'm [nearly] unstoppable! Maybe next year?  
Misha2011- haha, of course it was evil!  
YagamiNeko- Well, since I know some psychology stuff, it's not easy to get over and accept help, haha. It's really hard, from what I hear. I don't think it's the trust, but accepting help in general, from anyone. Cause you either feel like help wont help, and worrying is just a nuisance. And I think that's where I placed Matt.  
Shipet100- Haha, your noises intrigued me.  
FearMeRawr- Loved your expression! Haha, *could totally see it*  
Dark Angel Of Wind- All's good, I feel like I got plenty for this chapter. And it's not only for the feel good effect, but to motivate me, since I'm rather lazy . But your computer issues are understandable *hides bat* Haha XD *total jk*  
VanillaKeehl- IT MAY BE AWKWARD.... BUT WE SHOULD REALLY MEET EACH OTHER haha. I love making friends at conventions, it makes it more convenient. But due to the fact that I'll be with staff, I don't know if hanging out will be easy XD, haha  
FateWolf- OMIGOOOOD NOOO! Haha, I'm just messing.**

**Also, YAY FOR 100+ reviews! *throws confetti* **

**Anyways, enough about this stuff, here ya go.**

* * *

Hal quickly ran over to me, grapping me by my slumped shoulders, as I wavered to sit still, dizzy from the blood loss and pain, exhausted with lack of sleep, food, and the situation at hand. For once, it was truly something I couldn't handle.

She repeatedly called my name over and over, but I didn't have it in me to respond.

The only thoughts that ran through my head was- Matt shot me, and, Matt shot himself.

My blue eyes rose slightly, and I was looking towards Hal, trying to keep my irises from spinning to a close, where my lids would remain shut. I had to keep myself awake.

Hal saw me do this, and her hands gripped my shoulders tighter than before. "Mello? Mello, what is it?" She asked, steering my body so that my head would remain up.

My mouth opened slightly, and the feeling of having no speech, was frightening. All I could muster was a sigh. "Ma.." I started, but I couldn't finish, my throat was sore, aching.

She looked at me, frantic, and nodded, then looked up. She returned her eyes towards me, and nodded again. "It's going to be alright, it's gonna be all right." She repeated, laying me down lightly.

Standing up, she quickly ran outside, yelling for a gurney, and if one was coming to come quicker.

But I could care less, I was becoming more and more tired by the second. So tired, that remaining conscious was the second most painful task at the moment.

My head was bobbing from side to side as it lay on the ground, my eyes towards the ceiling, my vision blurry.

Instinctively my hand covered the gushing wound, as the other one just lay at my side, fingers twitching as I tried to clutch them into a fist, in order to bite my nails into my skin, to remain awake.

But it was pointless. I could hardly move, and the only thing my mind decided to concentrate on was the pain, Matt, and the blood pooling around my body, soaking into my clothing.

All noises began to fade out, even though the noises around me were hectic, and loud, they sounded as if they were so far away.

My mind was starting to shut itself down, or rather, was trying to go to sleep, in order for my body to preserve, and save some type of blood within me. I knew that even sleep wasn't enough.

My head fell to the side, facing towards the glass windows, and I watched as people were being forced to move away, to allow some privacy, and room for the doctors to rush in.

Slowly, my eyes began to close on their own, and the only thing I could think of at the moment, was about Matt… And… Did he accidentally hit me where it was fatal? Or was it lucky?

Then, like a sudden wave of semi-truck traffic, sounds burst into the room. So loud, and so fast, it felt like a rush, as if I were on a rollercoaster. My eyes couldn't help but open themselves to the noise.

My eyes were moving wildly, and, I was panicking. My vision was blurry, everything seemed to be rays of light, colors weren't distinct. It was as if I were rushing through traffic on my bike, everything moving quickly past me, the lights of the cars just beaming past my peripheral vision.

I felt like I was in the air as people managed to pick up my body and lay it atop the gurney.

I managed to move my head towards Matt's direction, and I watched as the doctors circled in, allowing nurses to clean up the mess.

But before I determined if he was alive or not, my eyes closed, and I became far more tired then before.

My head further tilted into the gurney, and before I could pull myself from going deeper into unconsciousness, I was out.

The noises dimmed, the people around me became blurry shadows. And then, nothing.

* * *

Hal picked at her ear piece, her phone in her hand, as she walked back and forth in the room, her face seeming anxious, as she ignored Gevanni, who stared directly at me.

She seemed to be talking to Near, who was asking her a few questions about the incident.

There were a few reluctant answers, and some that were pretty serious and straight forward. But I could guess that Near, being who he is, pretty much mapped out everything that she said without giving him much hints.

Her blue eyes glanced towards me, then back to particularly nothing as she walked around.

It was funny how I could hardly feel the pain with the drugs they stuck into me.

Not only was the pain from the shot going away, but so was my usual train of thought.

Everything seemed dreamlike, every ones movement, I could've sworn this was a dream, like I was hoping it was since finding the damsel in suicidal distress.

Hal suddenly stopped, her eyes staring towards the dark area in my room, eyes wide, then slowly narrowed. "Yes," She nodded a couple of times, lightly, towards the ground, as if it was a bad idea. Her eyes lifted towards me, narrowed with worry, as she neared me, pulling out her ear peace.

Gevanni neared her, remaining close quarters at all time. I wanted to laugh a little, but I kept myself.

I just stared Hal down, ready to slap that ear peace away. Like hell I'd talk to him.

But as soon as I lifted my arm, Gevanni sped past her, and pushed it down, glaring into my narrowed eyes.

I pulled my eyes away from his, and watched as Hal placed the earpiece over my left ear, watching my face the whole time.

I didn't speak, I just waited, I wanted to avoid any conversation with him. But, as he sighed loudly, I could tell he could either care less with what I wanted, or knew what I was trying to do.

"So, tell me, were you honest to your intentions?" He asked, and I could note the patience in his voice, as if he already knew, but just wanted me to admit it.

I still kept silent. He did also, for the longest of moments. But eventually, he spoke again.

"You know, what you did was reckless. It can also place you in jail for nearly 5 years, due to intentional murder…"I cringed. "He's not dead?" My hand instinctively balled up, and my teeth grit. Though I had to steer the conversation, and try to make him believe it was not intentionally done to end him. "That's good… I only meant to scare him off. But when he got closer-"

"They told me you had the gun pointed towards your head…" Near stated flatly. "You see, Matt, I would believe you, if you were perhaps as smart as you should be. You shot down Mello with the intention to kill him, and follow it with your own life, am I wrong?"

I sat silent, wondering if I should deny him, and sound like an idiot.

"I know you're lying, there's no point in denying it." He flatly responded to my silence, I could almost sense the smile behind the speaker. "I understand you are recklessly determined to end yourself Matt, no matter how pitiful it may seem to those around you, you feel it's the core essence in your life, just because of your past. And, for some strange reason, when there is someone who spares you their time of concern, you rid of them. Am I right?"

The way he phrased that made me think for a second. Did Mello tell him about my foster parents? Did he know about the other friend I had? Then I understood. "Near… Are you saying I murdered my foster parents because they were kind to me?" I scoffed, and huffed a chuckle. "For the first time you hit a rock and fell into the flames." I sneered.

Hal and Gevanni exchanged shocked expressions, and I figured what I had done. I had just confessed to murder. And that was Near's intent.

Near was probably salving his pride in his little hide out place as he laughed away in his cruel mind. "Matt, there is an assumption, that people who kill once, kill again. However, in your case, your first action was stricken from the sensation of survival, and punishment against those who deserve it. But, that stir in your life has also perhaps opened unsteady emotions, and, that was followed with unintended ignorance, which perhaps, due to your instability, forced you to kill your friend too, am I right?… And the reason why you perhaps intended to kill Mello until now, is because you actually wanted to keep your murderous intentions from him, since you actually appreciate, or rather, appreciated him at some point. But now that you cant stand his concern for you, you want to hurt him. Just like your foster parents would hurt or fire the maids that were concerned for you… Am I going in the right direction?"

I didn't have to give him the answer, I could already tell he was smirking in silent victory. Instead I just pulled out the ear piece and gave it to Hal. "He's done." I lied, knowing that Near wouldn't tell her otherwise like a kid in order to keep this fruitless conversation from going on.

There was a sudden pang of guilt in my chest.

It was large, and frightening. The feeling I usually get when I slice my wrists, or legs, or when I shoot up drugs. I wanted to claw at it, to rip it out of my chest and forget, forget, forget.

But I couldn't. Not in a hospital where my sources were close to none, where Hal and Gevanni were keeping an eye on me, and where I couldn't run in my condition from countless numbers of security guards.

My eyes started to shift, and I felt like I was going to panic. There was a silent throb in my head, as if I could hear my own blood flow.

Pupils would stop to gaze at nothing, and I would sit there, as if dumbfounded, staring at anything, no matter if it caught my attention or not. For some reason, I couldn't help but stop and stare.

This sensation, I've felt it before.

My mind, it feels like it's no longer attached to my senses, as if I were living inside the body of someone else.

And, then, I shut down.

I am fully aware of this, my behavior. But no matter how pathetic I feel for behaving like this, I can't help it.

I want to snap out of it, and tell Hal, who's hovering over me, that I'm fine, that it's not something important, that it happens.

But this time, I've gone so deep, I can't even move accordingly.

Was I guilty because I shot Mello? Because Near knew my story from the get go, and I realized I was in trouble as soon as I walked out? Was it because I have failed so many times, that it's nearly impossible to map out as to why I'm still here?

My breathing became shallow, and sometimes, would stop, as my train of thought poured through my mind in crazy speeds. So many thoughts, regrets, guilt. And my heart didn't belong there, it made me sick.

To care about someone who was crying over me, or who wanted to protect me, who wouldn't allow me to end it all, who wanted to love me.

Those feelings made me sick.

So much so I wanted to kill, kill, kill, and no matter how many times I pull a trigger, or stab one down, I would never be able to remove this overwhelming sensation of pure disgust.

Now, even after feeling guilty over what I've done to Mello, remembering o=every detail of our recent lives together, mixed up, remembering and regretting, it only made the sensation worsen.

I felt as if I was going to pass out, and I couldn't tell if it was because of the meds sloshing through the IV, or if I was tired, perhaps it was my train of thought that was driving me to the edge of insanity.

Whatever it was, it was killing me, I could feel it. However, despite my desire for death, this was killing me in a way that wouldn't literally end me, but would perhaps psychologically end me, slowly, or perhaps quicker then I anticipated.

Near still appeared to be on the line, since Hal would nearly yell into her earpiece as she frantically bobbed my head to look at her, so that she could descript the detail of my out-focused eyes. But since I heard no nurses rushing in, I could tell Near was setting her straight with instructions and what not.

But no matter how many times they talked it over, or rose my head to see my current condition, I couldn't snap out of it.

It felt like I couldn't, as if this empty sensation would protect me, and help me through this situation until the end of my time.

I couldn't leave, no matter how many times I told myself it would be a good idea if I do, to avoid nurses, or a psychiatric ward. But, it seemed like my own words were wafted away, and the current thoughts that swam like a speeding current overflowed even my general perspective of everything.

Instead of proper talk, I was overcome with thoughts of suicide, of killing, of death, of the afterlife if there is one, of Mello, everyone involved, emotions, etc.

And even though that sounds like it could snap someone's mind, for some strange reason, it kept me together. I couldn't believe I was still sitting here, because, if anyone were to feel this, I bet they would've flipped out in the gurney, and would try to find some means of escape.

But I just sat there, pathetic and still, unmoving, the slightest of silent tears falling down my cheeks.

Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, I am pathetic. A pure embarrassment that was kept alive, as a lab experiment, to test my limits.

Perhaps I was reaching those limits, as the sensation drew even closer, closing me in, until I had no control over myself at all, not even the movement of my lips as I whispered. "I can't, I can't…" I can't what?

Even I wondered the message behind those words. I can't move? Breathe properly? Blink? But then, my thoughts meshed together, and I knew what I was repeating. I can't do this anymore.

I just can't.

The feeling of knowing this washed over me, and I felt as if the world was tugging at me from every angle, as the feeling in my chest got worse.

I felt Hal's hands cup my chin, and lift it to hers, but my eyes would dart away, far from my control.

And suddenly, with a weak voice, I began again, repeating, "I can't, I can't, I can't," like a mantra, and I couldn't stop myself, as I felt at the verge of screaming, something my body wouldn't let me do, and my thoughts didn't permit.

I wasn't deaf, as I kept repeating myself, over and over and over. I could hear the heart monitor speed up, and immediately Gevanni dove in, grabbing my unharmed wrist, checking my pulse.

I heard him call for a doctor, telling a questionable Hal that my pulse was sky-rocketing.

And, though a whisper, I could hear Hal, as she looked to me with concerned eyes, as her hand reaching over to her ear removing the earpiece, "He's lost it."

I could tell they've already thought I did long, long ago. So, realizing that she said that, was like someone clearly yelling out towards the heavens, that I've completely, shamefully, lost it. Lost myself.

And, for some reason, I couldn't deny it, because, deep down inside, I wanted to not believe I was reaching insanity, but I knew it was true.

I have become insane.

Most cases are tossed away when it comes to people like me. It's said that people who say they feel, or know they are insane themselves, are fully conscious of themselves, and therefore, are not insane.

Those who are insane, and deny it, are living in a world with no honest view points, they are basically sitting ducks living there merry, completely unaware of the real world, and how society views them.

But, perhaps because I am the worlds top ranking genius's, amongst a few who over pass me, I can tell. And, perhaps it's my train of thought, that allows me to overpass that thin border that distinct one from sanity, to insanity.

And perhaps, I am enabled to pass that border, like most can't, to distinguish this myself.

Yes, looking through all the evidence, I am insane. The scars, the inner damage, the emotional set, the murders, the attempted murders, the suicide attempts, I have lost it long ago, and now I am losing it even more.

The inner turmoil became almost unbearable, and suddenly, throwing my head back, eyes wide and shaking, I screamed. I screamed from everything my body was facing.

I yelled, not so that anyone could hear me, but with the hopes my emotions would ease.

But no matter how much I screamed, I couldn't, I couldn't remove this disgusting sensation that I just wanted to claw out, as if to rip my heart from my chest to allow death to come.

I yelled, over and over again, and I didn't stop, I couldn't stop. As I cried, and prayed, I couldn't.

* * *

The room was rather dim, and I could imagine, they left me hear after Matt had shot me, after they had removed the bullet and all.

I tried to sit up, but I found that I could barely move, because of my abdomen that unwillingly pulsed with pain.

It must have been fatal, if I'm hooked up in a gurney, at the ICU, with IV's giving me meds that weren't even helping my wound from easing.

But I had to sit up, at least walk up to a wheelchair. I wanted to, in order to check up on Matt, but my lack of knowledge on how these gurneys operate kept me from doing so.

Would I have to sit an wait?

No, I shook my head, teeth gritting. I couldn't. I have to see if he's well, alive at least. That loud fire that I heard after mine,-my eyes watered lightly-, did it mean he got himself in the head?

But, Gevanni and Hal rushed in before hand, so maybe.

I shook my head again, my eyes shutting tightly as my head bowed towards the blankets.

The pain in my abdomen was getting worse with each passing thought, and although I wanted to care about Matt, my selfishness wanted me to keep myself calm, so that the pain would cease.

One would think I would be strong, and overcome the pain, be bold and dis-attach myself from this bed to rush towards him.

But I couldn't, because this was reality, not fiction.

My eyes roamed the room, searching for the location of my cellphone. Maybe I could contact Hal and ask.

But, I found that it was on a chair, atop my folded bloody clothing.

The anxiety began to creep in again, and I had to unwillingly set it down with other thoughts, that made me feel sick to my stomach. Not because they were bad thoughts, they were about the Kira case. But, I felt this way, because I was ignoring Matt's well being all together.

I sighed, and slowly began to recline towards the form of the gurneys angular shape.

But, before my back reached the comfort of the bed, there was loud yelling.

So loud, that even though it echoed along the hallways, which gave the impression that it wasn't close by, I could hear it, so clearly.

The agony that resided with it, the pain, everything, as if it were a siren wailing to inner emotion.

Although it calmed me, it also scared me.

That was unmistakably Matt… But, that was also unmistakably the yell of someone who was clearly at the verge of losing self control.

Something that wasn't rare of Matt.

However, this time, for some odd reason, and I can't put it to words, it sounded far more real than the usual Matt that wanted to throw his life away.

This was him, loosing himself. I could tell, I can't say how, but, it sounded very real, and agonizing.

My head bowed, was there really nothing I could do for him?

And like he said, was there really nothing _**anyone **_could do for him?

Did everyone lose the battle to one person? Was this all pointless? Was it best for him to just…

I shook my head. There has to be something someone could do for him. There **has **to be.

My body fell against the gurney, the pain in my abdomen ceasing from existence as I began to go deep into thought. The yells didn't stop.

Slowly, tears began to fall, and my fists clenched.

My teeth grit against themselves, and my hands flung towards my face, palms pressing against my eyes.

There was nothing that could be done for him. Nothing. I slowly realized this.

Matt, Mail, he was going to die. And there was nothing, **nothing, **_**nothing, we could do for him.**_

_**Nothing.**_

* * *

**Author- Hm, can I say I'm proud of this chapter? Not really.**

**I kinda began writing today, mid way through, after Matt gives her the earpiece back. The emotional turmoil was a bit hard to write, because, well, don't wanna say this because I HATE injecting myself into the story, but I guess I used the emotions I felt last night. **

**However, I exaggerated for the sake of angst and the fans of this story. In other words, it's only SLIGHTLY comparable, which, in other words, means that Matt's completely losing it, haha.  
I'm still sane, haha, still here writing like I always do. I'd like to think that my slice of the real life angst cake was an aid to help write this chapter (even though Matt goes nuts).  
**

**Anyways, the reviews COMPLETELY pulled me through, and cheered me up. I really don't know how MUCH I can thank you guys for making me laugh and smile.**

**Now this might sound selfish, and I wasn't using my sob story to reel you in, but please keep up your duty, and review, so that I know I should continue this story, and because I'm overall lazy (so lazy, I don't feel like moving my hand, haha). School starts tomorrow (death), so I'm gonna need that extra push from my amazing readers!**

**Thank you soooo much! **


	13. Starting over to SOME degree

**Author- Hey, at least it didn't take me nearly 7 months to update, lol. I'm taking my day out of school as an opportunity to write again. Blargh.**

**Anyways, I'm setting up a deviant art. You should go to my account! Mwahaha. I'll have deviations as soon as I can. It's--- Tsuyoi merushi dot deviant art dot Com (without the spaces) and for the slow people, dot, as in actual period, not the word "dot".**

**Ohayocon was pretty fucking amazing. I'm glad I met some of you there!**

**Anyways, I wrote the beginning while at school when I had to do my work. Then, I didn't write the past two days, cause we had a winter storm (how hardcore fail would it have been for the power to go out while I was writing)-(then I wouldn't update for a month).**

**OK, OK, OK…. I will be broadcasting myself playing some video games soon, on jtv (profile name hxcgamerｓ). If you're into video games, it would be awesome if you watched! (Feb １２th)**

**Anyways, review responses (it's 2am, sorry for the lack of enthusiasm)**

**AlchemyOtaku0922- I LOVE sad! Haha. So, you should expect this plenty.  
YagamiNeko- Haha, thanks. And we'll have to wait and see no?  
FearMeRawr- I hope it doesn't get better, cause I don't want to get involved with that person O_o, but thanks, haha. And the not fiction part, I "pshed" when I wrote that, but hey, haha, tryingo to make it realistic.  
Shipet100- *reads over my story* Haha! I didn't realize that's how I wrote it (Mello realizing he could do nothing) I wasn't trying to convey that message (in truth, it had no message, cause I just write haha). Nice that you caught it, because, it does fit the situation well. And I guess that's what really just happened O_o. You recognize my story more then I do.  
Zira- No offence, but I am amused. You being sad is good.  
ShinigamiMailJeevas- I can't imagine Mail as a death god (points to your username), that would be weird, haha. And yeah, most people of the world are lazy… D:  
HikariYagami543- Haha, thanks!  
Nihon Jin Desu Jisatsu No Fuan- Haha, I'm so cool I reviewed to myself! My, I have a long username D:  
Mail Freaking Jeevas- Haha, it's fine, I had that dilemma when the site updated. And really, I should be? I try not to be, cause it makes me feel like I don't have to improve my writing, or write the way I do (my brain works in mysterious ways). And I will see you, haha. Also, the dA link didn't work?  
A local punk-.. Wow, that made me feel honored, haha. Like no joke, honored. Thanks! Haha, a lot!  
Pretentious kneecap- Yeah, I don't see the yaoi chemistry, although it's there. I wonder too, haha. Thanks for the review!  
Cheezitz247- MOARZ haha. In one sitting?! Wow! That's amazing ,,! Thanks so much! Haha!  
Arra13375- ahah I seeee  
SilverCyanide- Thanks for the heads up, I MIGHT go, since I'm learning to be a DJ with the guys. But I'm glad that the con was later this month, since I'm a girl (you know what I mean). Haha.**

**Thank you guys!**

* * *

I was ready to leave.

They told me that the shot was fatal, but they took care of it, so I should be fine, despite the pain, as to why the prescribed me a nice amount of Vicodin.

Hal was generous enough to stop being the watchful hag she is, and bring me nice, blood free clothing.

Though, when I put on my usually tight clothing, I realized that it loosely fit my figure, which I paid no mind to, concluding that it was just the week longs hospital stay.

As I stood at the desk, signing my discharge papers, holding my coat, it's red wrapped around my pale thin forearm, my eyes couldn't help but peek towards Matt's direction. And I would fine myself glancing at these documents, that would set me free. Would they allow him to leave under my consent? I doubt it, knowing Near.

He was alive, I knew that much.

Hal had informed me while she handed me my new set of clothing. I didn't ask her about the yelling, but something seemed to be troubling her.

I quickly analyzed any alternative possibility. Near was fine, so was I; her career was still in full swing, and high pay. There was two standing possibilities, lack of sleep due to the fact that she did not leave the hospital, or bother to take a nap. Or it was Matt.

I ruled out lack of sleep, because it was her choice in the full run. And, working under Near automatically meant lack of sleep in general.

So it was Matt, my instincts were right.

I put the pen down, ignoring the woman's cheerful thanks and departing cheers. She directed me towards the exit, as if I were list, as if the huge red sign that directed people towards the exit was large enough. But I guess it was reasonable, since I didn't head that way, and instead, turned and darted towards the ICU.

I was pacing, thinking she would call Security on me, and I was in no mood, or condition to run. Till this day I have no idea if she did, but I thank my childhood teachings, which led me to be the genius I am, along with a great hider.

My feet automatically led to Matt's room, my mind muffling out the world around me, the noises, it wasn't important. Soon, though, I reached a lightly monitored area of the hospital. A distant ICU, one that was commonly used for people in jail who needed medical attention. At first I was raged, due to the fact that me and Matt built our whole lives detesting those people. But then again, it was somewhat reasonable. It was considered as a 'safe' method, both for Matt, and the hospitals reputation.

Because, in reality, there are people who gives a rats ass, and they would automatically consider people like Matt as the 'stay away zone'.

As soon as I turned the corner, I immediately noticed that something was off. It wasn't really hard to miss in this area of the hospital. And instantly, I could feel the intense flames crawling in my chest as my teeth grit, my lips parted and curved down.

My blue eyes searched the area, no monitoring in this side of the hall, no Hal, no Gevanni. No patient file in the container, no FBI or CIA. My fists clenched, as they slammed against the wall beside me.

Why was he moved?! I wanted to yell, as I regularly did, but my tolerance had built up since I last took care of Matt, I could contain my outbursts. No one was here, there was no sign of **anyone** ever being here.

But why? Hal had specifically told me…

My head turned automatically, as a thought came to mind. How could I not notice sooner? Someone would at least tell me as to why he was moved, someone would be there with me during my discharge to at least notify me. But there were no indications that he was ever here right after the shooting.

Did Hal lie to me?

Was Matt really…?

My hand twitched, my forearm tightened, the coat further pressing against my skin. I could seriously beat a women right now with no shame. I instantly reached into my coat pocket, throwing the huge red onto the ground, as I flipped my phone open, and skimmed through my contacts, searching for Gevanni, knowing Hal would not answer, because women are evasive, and frightened of most men when it comes to authority.

Gevanni was prideful of his authority, and I figured he wouldn't mind making a light sneer as he told me the news, somewhat blaming it on me. Men are jus savage prideful animals.

The tone went on for a few, slow, teasing seconds, then finally, he answered. Though this time, he seemed hesitant, something beyond his commonly pursuant attitude. He mentioned my name, as he answered, and in it, I could tell that he was slightly debating within his soft tone. But what?

After a few second I let the corner of my lips twitch to a small smile before it returned to it's angered phase. He was arguing, his voice distant from the speaker, with Hal. I could hear her fast and soft whispers spat at the man as he held the phone into the air, probably away from her reach.

Then, silence followed, and, "What do you want, Mello?" He asked hoarsely through a whisper, probably ignoring Hal the best he could. Though I could still hear Hal's bickering, and I couldn't help but wonder as to why.

It took me awhile to answer, and I stuttered out a feeble "U-um," Realizing he had asked me something. "Matt," My head slowly fell to the ground, as I tried to concentrate on him rather then Hal.

He didn't respond, silence followed, and Hal gradually grew silent. I bet, in all his attempts that resulted to no avail, the only way he managed to shut her up was by wafting his hand. "Mello," He finally replied, and fully caught my attention. My hand tensed around the phone.

He sounded grave, as if, something terrible had happened, and my hopes began to drown, as I realized, Matt might in fact be dead.

"Mello, he's still at ICU." Odd, he repeated my name, I thought, even as my mind began to muddle up with worry and dread. But as he said this, I didn't deny him still being in the ICU, because they might have moved him. However, shortly after Gevanni said this, Hal began bickering again. And my mind began to whirl.

Matt's not in containment, Matt is not alright, Matt is not in the ICU… Matt is not in the hospital at all…

My eyes narrowed, as I stared darkly at the door that remained closed, blocking the vacant room from my eyes. "He's not in the ICU." I attempted. And Gevanni didn't respond, not even to deny my assumption.

And immediately, I knew he was bullshitting his way through in order to call me off. And instinctively, I became angry. "Perhaps the reason as to why Hal is spitting bile at you, is because you didn't know I was discharged." I spat, and I could tell that his face began to fall. I gripped the phone, so much so my hands began to shake. My face was towards the ground, eyes wild. "Do you think me naïve Gevanni? And tell Hal 'good job', she should have told you before you answered my call."

Gevanni didn't even breathe, it was completely quiet, and I could tell Hal was probably standing in shame, since, I could tell from the start, it was on speaker phone.

I cooled down, my body turning, in order to slump against the wall. I sighed, letting my limbs go slightly loose from all the built up tension. "Is he-"

"Classified." Was the immediate response, or rather, interruption.

My head leaned in towards the phone, and again, I was angry, my body going numb with rage as my teeth grit against each other. "What?!" I spat quietly.

He sighed, as if this wasn't a big deal, as if simply telling me 'he's not dead' or 'he is dead' was a moral act of sin. Not the he was religious. "That's classified, Mello."

I　ｓputtered for a moment, staring at the bland white disgusting hospital tiles. "Classified?" Instantly it clicked.

I bit my lower lip, pulling the phone upwards against my head as I stared at the ceiling, my blue eyes feverishly searching for nothing. "Near," I whispered harshly, my body slouching over. "You guys really are his bitch. Like those damned school teachers who follow the rules to snap at their students in order to make themselves feel better, but in truth their just another glorious annoying asset in this world." How sad, that Kira much rather killed criminals, then the idiots. I mean, honestly, criminals is what pays us, we find them, we earn money, we watch, we're entertained, we investigate, we stress over it a little but have some decent fun.

The other line remained silent, allowing me to vent through, I guess. But for some reason, I wasn't exploding as much, and I could only guess it was the drugs. However, even if it were, I had to move on with the situation. I knew my surroundings were not a good place to say what I was going to say, so I decided to take it outside.

Eyes remained attached to me as I continued to leave, attention seeking whores, shipping in for any form of gossip or self pleasure.

"Gevanni," I suddenly spoke, as I headed a good distance from the place. I was surprised he remained on the line, most would hang up. But I guess he realized I don't stay on the line unless I need to say something I consider as important. "Put Near on the line." I demanded.

A few shuffles and whispers could be heard from behind, followed by Hal's strict argument to 'keep away'. But eventually, Near's blunt emotionless voice spoke clear.

"Yes, Mello?" He asked, the clatter of his toys distant but obvious. "Matt is here, though you know this already. However, you want to ask me something, no?"

I didn't care, he could always predict my steps, I was obvious. And although my level of genius stood near his by a fucking inch, I couldn't predict his answer to this favor.

I clenched the phone, and held it close to my mouth, and for the first time, I felt nervous. It clouded my judgment, my perception, every line of thought. I was like a damp cloud was looming in my chest, distracting me from proper breath.

"Near," I started, my eyes looking around. "I want you to let Matt go…"

The line immediately fell silent, not even the usual whore in the background was spitting. I could tell he was looking for a way to convince me he wouldn't allow it.

"Listen, Near," I began, trying to keep my voice leveled. "Matt is of age, he can choose for himself."

"Obviously, he can." I could hear the sneer in his voice, what one would call the remark of the obvious targeted at the blond in the corner with no idea, no offence to blondes, since I'm obviously one myself. "And therefore, he is in no position to live with you-""Shut up you brat!" I spat. "Listen to me, I have more authority over Matt than you. And God so help me, I will blackmail you until you have no pride, or privacy left!" I was whispering harshly, my spit was spraying. "Matt _**will **_return to my place, and we will further continue this investigation, like it, or not!"

Again, nothing, more than before, not even the squeak of the usual turning chair, I bet they overheard.

He knew I was bluffing, he should have. He would, after all, kill me if he had to, in order to keep himself safe, and victorious. That was the Wammy House rule, maybe not the latter.

So, I stood, not expecting anything. He was Near after all.

A large sigh came through the line.

"… Alright…"

I nearly tripped, my eyes going wide, staring at frozen grass.

"However, you will work with us, though separately, since I know you obviously want to challenge me. However, Matt's behavior will remain surveillanced, and reported. If, and last straw, he attempts again, or presents himself with destructive behavior, he **will** be taken from you."

I didn't answer, breathe, anything.

Instead, I closed the phone lightly, without saying 'good-bye, while the smallest of smiles began to spread along my lips.

* * *

It then, slowly but steadily started.

Mello hardly rode his bike, since he drove _my_ car everywhere.

He didn't tell me about his faint partnership with Near, but I already knew; it was obvious.

However, I knew that, despite their secret 'bond', they were still working separate ways, I was the lock that held the two rusted chains together- how comical, ironic, pitiful.

Whenever I brought up the topic, even by the slightest, he would quickly change the conversation, forcing the Kira case onto me again.

He probably thought me naïve, but who could blame him? Not to mention his sanity was also slowly, but surely, cracking, and for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to care, or to help him from becoming who I am.

We were never separated, and my suicidal habits were not mentioned since the incident a two years ago, in 2009.

Instead we spent the days like the old times, he would binge on chocolate, while I stared and dozed off into the tech world.

So far, we were tracing Kira's spouse, yeah, they got married, which was news to us, but no to Near, no, he analyzed and predicted, anything and more a well known white collar criminal would do. It was enough to boil your blood.

However, I felt that it wasn't only because Near seemed to be a step ahad, but, in all, I blamed Mello, and his **sudden **course of actions.

Since my leave, he's been careful, with _**everything**_.

At first, I thought it was my fault, my long leave during his mafia period probably being the cause for not noticing his 'usual' character.

But I'm no idiot, at all in fact, and could tell within the first few days that Mello was being cautious, and for some reason, my consciousness yelled it wasn't a way to adapt into a Near/L complex, practical couch potatoes, using pawns as a course of action; I knew it was because of me, which made me feel pretty pathetic.

Not that the heaviness upon my shoulders wasn't there to begin with due to my previous attempts. No, everything, everyone was against me, and my poor luck was sprouting and spreading day by day.

My eyes focused onto the monitor before me, the goggles fogging my vision as the humidity inside the room made me waiver and sweat.

Mello figured that because it was cold out, the heater should be on. Unfortunately, he left, and I wasn't allowed to touch the heater, since he thought I would turn it off, and allow my thing body to freeze to death.

Yes, it was that ridiculous.

And even though I've been around this shit for awhile now, I was still very uncomfortable.

My stomach churned rather then flopped every time Mello interacted, because, I don't want to be cared for, I wasn't raised that way, in a more blunt, immature way of putting it, it was very gay.

Not that homo's scare me. It's a very useful word for a situation such as this.

My hand slowly scrolled over the touch pad, my eyes watching as the mouse's tip struggles, and stutters while I try to find a game to play, for a break.

But as soon as the arrow lightly pokes at the faded edges of my steam game application, my leg shakes lightly.

At first, I stared at my leg, that kept pulsing in weird vibrations, and, as I gazed, I wondered how my legs seemed so utterly thin, it was rather frightening.

But then, the illusion was gone, and my mind spun, searching for an explanation, the source of the rhythmic shakes.

It took awhile, more then usual, to figure out it was my phone. Not that I thought I was stupid for no realizing this sooner. I was anorexic, and seizures were rather common, since we tend to be epileptic. To me, the feeling is of a cramped internal shake of your limbs, and it hurts your spine, before you fall like an idiot and start shaking like a mentally handicapped baby.

I wasn't fond of my condition as you can tell. It was of the few prices you had to pay for a thin body.

My hand easily slid into my jean pocket, and I pulled out my phone, flipping it open without bothering to look at the caller I.D. I knew who it was.

My tongue pushed the lit cigarette along the lines of my cracked lips, and onto the edge, where it sat crammed. "What, Mello?" I nearly mumbled, one hand typing away at the keyboard, the other holding the phone, while my tongue and teeth tried to hold the cancer in my mouth.

I didn't usually respect him as much as I should to someone who stands at a higher authority by more then a measly mile.

I sighed out slowly, my dry weary eyes staring, searching for Mello's current location, in case he needed my help in navigating his way to either infiltrate a building, or to run away from a Kira induced Mafia.

"What makes you think that?" He finally replied.

Quickly, I froze; did I say that out loud? It wasn't a frozen position of horror, but or cofusion. After quickly thinking it over, I relaxed, deciding that it didn't really matter.

With loose joints, I slumped back into the chair, and pressed the phone against my ear, as my eyes stared at the monitor, waiting the a decent trace signal to show up.

You see, usually, tracers are easy to find, but this was a custom made one- secretly signaled, for important reasons. If Kira caught on to any of these conversations, or our locations, then it was guaranteed that we'd loose already, and you can't overlook the possibility of there being a better hacker then the notorious 4, L, N, M, me, and unfortunately, Kira.

Also, the percentage of one hanging around as a Kira supporter was small, however, I wouldn't push my luck.

The tracers had yet to show up, and I sometimes wished I could have convinced Near and Mello to talk to the military and do that, but again, with Kira gaining more supporters in a day then a you tube cunt dose in a whole year, it was obviously a bad idea.

After awhile, I realized I was still on the phone, and out of realization that I committed something of disrespect, I nearly jolted to a stand, but settled slumped over the edge of the office chair. "Shit, sorry Mell's," I quickly apologized, sighing while cupping my aching head. "I was just thinking a but too much and-"

But I was cut off by a sudden uprising of laughter.

Normally, heh, this wouldn't surprise me, if I were drunk and it wasn't Mello. The only reason why he would laugh is if he caught Kira before Near did, but then Near would at least tell me the case was over, unless his pride was too big he would further analyze Mello's victory.

So I sat silent, listening to the background noise, trying to figure out where he was, but to no avail. "Mell's, what was that about? What's so funny?" I asked with a nervous chuckle, but the line remained silent.

Was he joking around with me?

My face quickly contorted to anger, and I held the phone lightly away from my ear. "Mello!" I snapped, trying to get his attention, that I wasn't playing around. Then, a sigh came, as if he were frustrated. Right, I shouldn't be.

"You know Matt," He finally began, his tone light. "You really do cause nothing but trouble for everyone, or rather, problems."

My first reaction was surprise, that he would say something like that, as if, finally, he was on the same page as everyone else.

My second reaction was hurt, because, the only person I could barely trust, was telling me off.

My final reaction, was denial, and I was right enough to keep it.

The course of shock dimmed, and suddenly, my spark of an educated detectives mind lit up like small sparklers.

"Who is this?" I asked, brows furrowed, pressed against the crease in between. My hand began to fly over the keyboard, trying to find a way to trace the phone in a quicker manner. If I kept the conversation going long enough, I'll be able to track the number down.

The voice instantly changed, and I don't mean by a simple tone, it didn't go from pleasantly cheerful, to demoniacally pissed. I mean by the octaves/

Suddenly, the voice was no longer male, but female. And not dike man like female, but that sexy tone that usually reels the horny men in.

Whether masked through a machine like we usually did or not, it didn't matter, not now, not anymore.

As the puzzle began to place itself into the missing gaps, and my mind kept spinning, randomly capturing anything that could clear my mind in order to figure this out, my mood slowly began to fall into that recognizable depression for long ago. Because, as my heart sped up, I realized that this was bad, very bad.

The fact that this voice was being heard over Mello's cell phone, was very, very bad.

My limbs nearly felt disjointed, and I, began to panic.

* * *

**Author- AH I can't see! (rubs at eyes) I'm tired? D:! I guess that's what I get for thinking that typing from a journal was a good idea.**

**Anyways, I need a new mouse. This thing is a piece of crap!**

**Ok, before you flip out about the years gap, I did that in order to move the story along, since, as I can say, nothing really happened since the last incident, until now, lol.**

**The moment Mello makes the deal with Near earlier in the chapter, was winter of 2009, which was only about a month ago in our time, lol. In order to make a certain calculation from the time Mello was blown up with the task force, and when Kira was captured, I had to add a timeline of possibilities, cause I felt that it was at least a 2 year period. So 2010 is passed, and it's fall of 2011, wow right? Haha.**

**But, this means that the story is beginning to come to it's end! Wow! D:!**

**Anyways, reviews are appreciated as always! I'm trying to get to the high numbers lol, to prove to everyone that yes, I can write! Fuck you stupid English teachers! FUCK YOU!…. Save for the ones in St. F.**

**Anyways, some gag's that I made while I was writing that I thought I should share with you -**

**"My head easily slipped into my pockey" (original line- My hand easily slipped into me [jean] pocket)**

**And a paragraph of typos**

**"I sighed out slowly, my dry weary eyes staring, searching for Mello's current location, in case he ****neede y ****help in navigating, or to either infiltrate a ****bulding****, or run away from a Kira ****enduced Madia****." (Original paragraph- I sighed out slowly, my dry weary eyes staring, searching for Mello's current location, in case he needed my help in navigating his way to either infiltrate a building, or to run away from a Kira induced Mafia.-also edited).**

**Well that's all! Please review! PLEASE! And add my deviant art!**

**Tsuyoi merushi dot deviant art dot Com (without the spaces) and for the slow people, dot, as in actual period, not the word "dot".**


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